Different colored minds

It's time to set you free

STEVEN POV

"Go talk to him," there's a nudge in my ribs.
"I've heard he's been in a better mood this past week."
"Come on, we need his help, you know we do."
"You're supposed to be the captain now. And the captain does what's best for the team."
It's all I hear. Day in and day out. I can't stand it. They don't trust my judgement. I know that now. They trusted him. But he's gone now. He won't be back. That's what they refuse to understand. Because whoever is standing in his shoes now is not him. People change. Joe changed. They just don't get it.
He's gone.
But I guess to them it doesn't matter. They just want to succeed at the—but my thoughts are cut short by a sight I haven't seen in a very long time. Joe standing on two feet. Across from me, far off in the classroom, joined by two crutches is joe. There is a swarm of classmates around him, the buzz of conversation is exciting. It sounds like a hive of honey bees.
"How do you feel?"
"Why are you asking me that?" His hands are clenched. Everyone has always glommed onto joe. He's always been someone people are attracted to. But joe never wanted the attention. In fact he didn't care. Come to think of it, he never told me what he wanted. He never let himself get that deep in his conversations with me but now standing here looking at him I do know what he wants. He's just a scared little boy who wants some alone time. He just wants to be listened to and respected, and then left alone. And he can never feel quite at peace or be patient with his circumstances. And maybe it's this moment. The moment he looks most human that makes me do it.
"Hey joe, wanna come grab lunch with me?" I cross my arms as I stand on the other side of the classroom. A silence sweeps over the group. He looks up, his hands gripping his crutches.
"Sure." And then he hobbles towards me.
Before when I was younger I wanted this moment. The moment where I knew he and I knew eachother for who we were. But now looking in his eyes I see it. He's too broken to focus on other people right now; he's blinded by his own selfish desires.
We walk out of the door together, and once we're in the hallway I begin.
"Nice leg," I start.
"It's the prosthetic," he spits looking down at it.
"Don't like it?" I ask.
"Better than nothing," he shrugs.
I can see the doorway at the end of the hallway, the eyes following us as we walk.
"Why don't we sit outside?" I decide, keeping my pace slow so he can stay next to me.
He doesn't say anything. He just walks.
"I'm sorry I got so mad." I say while he walks.
"It's alright."
"How are you?" I ask.
"Been better," we finally reach the doors. I open them with ease to let us out into the sunlight. Why didn't I notice how much more effort I was putting into conversations with him until now.
We sit out against the concrete wall.
"It's been hard." I say finally. "I'm sure you've been feeling that too."
"Yeah. But it's to be expected. Life is like that at times," He says morosely.
"There has to be some good though," I say. Looking up at the clouds.
"I don't know about that anymore." He mumbles, his head cocked back to look up at the sky too.
"Hey joe? Do you believe in god?"
He keeps his eyes fixed on the sky.
"Yeah. He's a dick who enjoys watching us squirm. Reminds me of a bee keeper." He says absently, but the anger is seething behind his eyes.
"Wouldn't that just mean the devil's working against God," I ask.
"I dont care. He's not doing a good job in my life, so why should I care about him?" His eyes fix on mine.
"I guess you're right." I say looking him in the eye before looking back up to the sky.
"But he can't be all bad."
"No one's all bad. That's what makes us so terrible. We know what good is." He's looking down at his leg now. I can't believe I didn't notice how much of a downer joe is. Not only that, But all he can think about is himself. To be honest, I can't believe I was friends with him for as long as I was.
"Hey joe," I look into his eyes. The same eyes I watched grow into the dead man walking he is now.
And then the words fall out of my mouth like water from a spring, "I don't think you and I should be friends anymore."
His eyes flick towards mine. So he did care.
"you need to focus on yourself, but I can't while I have to figure myself too. I can't do that with you as our friendship stands now," And for the first time in what feels like forever my mouth creases in a sad smile.
"Okay," he says. There's no ceremony. There's no hurt. It's just numb. He's completely numb.

And this is why I'm leaving.

He walks away first like always. He leaves me behind. Like always. He doesn't fight when he has the chance to. He just lets life take him wherever. His shoulders crouch over his crutches.

The winner doesn't care.

And he certainly doesn't.

He was expecting this im sure. Before now I would always invite him to do things. I would always initiate. Hell. I even gave him an opportunity to initiate for the past few weeks. What a dweeb. Maybe heathers was right about jocks. Maybe I shouldn't be on the football team at all. My whole life I tried to be them but now I wish I was anything but.