Different colored minds

Moral dilema

ALIANA POV

I hate disappointing people.

When I disappoint people I get horrible stomach aches and I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong.

I hate disappointing people because unless I say sorry I won't forgive myself. And I don't let myself off the hook. It changes to nightmares.

I hate disappointing people because I feel like it makes me a bad person,

And more than anything else, I want to be remembered as a good person.

Not because I want some kind of glory or something, it's more than that.

the most surprising part of the great gatsby is gatsby's funeral at the end of the book.

And how lonely and small it was in proportional to how much he gave.

A discrepancy between his goodness and his reward because they didn't understand how much he was giving. They cared more about the outside than the inside.

I guess at the end of the day that's what it was.

He couldn't stop running after a piece of himself he was insecure about leaving behind. The great gatsby wanted his past to be his present. It consumed his present and transformed his future, and unlimitedly ended his life.

I want to be remembered as a giving and gracious person.

I don't want no one to go to my funeral.

I guess I'll be dead by then so it won't matter. Why should it? I'll be long gone by then. I'll be somewhere else. Which brings me to the other thing I can't get off my mind.

What if god doesn't want me because I'm not straight. More than that what if he doesn't want me because I stand up for others who aren't gay.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, because I've seen more of Christ in my gay friends than I have in my Christian friends.

They're a family pursuing the choice of love instead of just the feelings.

I know so many Christians who, the second they hear someone's beliefs disagree with theirs, they brand that person as someone they don't want to be around. It makes them uncomfortable so they hide away. Which, if they really were fearless because of the love they had for Christ they would just be kinder and less judge mental. It's okay to have a belief system and not disrespect what others believe. They have the freedom to choose what they believe just as much as any Christian does. So why do they think they're so special?

I guess I should be including myself since I'm a Christian.

But I'm not a Christian because I want to follow the rules, my love for Christ is what makes me want to love people more.

I've heard I'm passive aggressive. Maybe this is an example of it, but no matter how much I try I always feel this way. As Christians we need to be better stewards of the lost sheep in the herd because Christ died for them on the same day he died for us.

Just because I sin does not mean I don't love god. It means I'm human. I'm faulty. And that is where god comes in. Hopefully one day I will be better. I will sin less. But it's not going to be because I forced it. It's going to be because Jesus lives in me and he is doing a good work through me.

If I'm trying my hardest to love at my deepest it's going to hurt when I disappoint people. But maybe that's okay. Maybe the disappointment shows I care enough not to want to hurt them, even if I don't understand how I have. Christs final command was to go and spread the gospel. To share with everyone else that he died even know we didn't deserve it. That he's a mystery. That he loved us first.

So why did he make me this way? Why can't I just be straight like everyone else? Why can't I just want a man. But I don't. I want the deep conversation. I want the little things kind of love. I want someone to hold and nurture and protect. I want someone who needs a guard to keep them safe. And no man has ever let me be that. Let me have those things. I may have loved joe. But it's not the same.

Abelle's face flashes across my mind and my worst fears face free in my mind.

What if abelle is like them? Is like everyone else. What if abelle and I stop talking? What if abelle doesn't want me? What if abelle leaves? What if abelle doesn't want a relationship the way I do? What if abelle loves me less than I do love her? What if abelle will be disappointed in me and then won't forgive me ? What if she won't tell me what I did wrong and leaves? What if she gives up on me?

And I guess I won't know until I see her next.

I won't know because I can't know and that is the worst part.

No one can pry me out of my head. I've begged god to and he hasn't done it yet. Apparently there's something left in this mental state to accomplish. I guess there's got to be a reason I'm living. There has to be a reason I'm alive. All of this suffering has to count for something.

Maybe abelle won't be like everyone else.

Maybe abelle will surprise me.

Maybe abelle will decide to stay.