Different colored minds

Unexpectedly happy to see you

STEVEN POV

I can't leave the house now. My parents have been reading all of my text messages. They check on my room every few minutes.

I think the worst part is that I already quit weed. I was trying to get better. But now, trapped in a cage I can't get out of, I'm alone. And I've lost my vigor to get better.

I'm the disappointment child now. It got around school that I failed my drug test within a week. The team hates me, and makes sure to let me know. I don't know why they have sticks up their asses though, half of them were doing it too. I think they're just upset I got caught. That for some reason because they can see it, they can judge it, even if they themselves are doing it in the shadows. Like Aaron. He's still high most of the time and no one is the wiser. They made him captain after I left like it was a given. They all have had his back and taken care of him. Just like they didn't do for me. I just keep feeling like Aaron had to be the one to tell. He's on top of the food chain now and there's only one way he got there. Through me.

I would never tell on them though. That's another thing. I don't want more people to have to pay the price the way that I have. What if they've got it worse than me?  I can't just think about what my resentment can cause. I have to think better. Think through the pain. I have to make a way for myself through the pain. There has to be a way out.

I broke my parents trust. I know that. But it was too fragile to begin with. They've been waiting for this kind of thing, expectantly waiting for the moment I fuck up. To some extent it's kind of touching, but it's also because they don't care about the deeper things going wrong. They just care that there are consequences. Joe and I used to always talk about it. How frustrating it was to be a prisoner in our own homes. Not be able to move ahead because they hold you to an impossible standard they've never been able to measure up to either. It's exhausting.

Bang. There's a clang against my window. I look out of it to see Jeremy aiming another pebble at the window. He notices we've made eye contact and points to the bolt on the window. I get up to unlatch it. Never thought I'd see the day I'd be this happy to see him. I guess I really have been lonely.
"Hey man, I'm sorry about you getting caught, you okay?" He stands on my wooden floor boards his eye flicking towards the door.
"They got you locked up pretty good, don't they," he says with a frown.
"A bit more than normal, but nothing out of the ordinary."
"I get that. My mom's the same way. They're pretty ignorant aren't they."
"They know a lot about the wrong subjects."
"But don't we all."
"I wish there was a way to make them pay, make them realize what they did. They can punish us. But who punishes them?" It's reminding me of long midnight conversations joe and I used to have. The way he's angry and trapped like me. Maybe it's time for a new friend.
I shrug.
"They should get on that. Someone needs to set the standard. Or else assholes will just do it again when they have kids."
"Good point."
"But no one wants to listen to someone else tell them they're abusing their own child."
"I don't think they even know they're doing it." I say looking towards the door.
And for some reason a quote made by Dietrich Bonhoeffer rings in my ears.
'Through the medium of prayer we go to our enemy, stand by his side, and plead for him to God.' The passage was talking about praying for your enemies because they don't know what to pray for for themselves sometimes. We're interceding for them.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Sometimes being gracious and merciful fucking sucks man."
Jeremy chuckles.
"Then wanna do something that doesn't suck?"
"What do you have in mind?"
"I've been thinking you and I should go to the shooting range. Get some of the anger out."
"What? How are you going to do that? You know my parents won't let me leave the house."
"But what they don't know can't hurt them. I'll come back when I figure out how to pull it off." He's walking towards the window again.
"I'll talk to you soon." And with that, he clambers out of the window. "Stay safe. It won't be long."

And despite myself I actually feel excited. For the first time in what feels like forever someone understood what I was going through. Someone took the time to be there for me. Someone took the time to take me out of my misery. Maybe Jeremy is a better kid than I thought he was. I mean now that I don't have joe and I definitely don't have the team, maybe it'll be nice to finally have some free time to make a new friend. Someone who will take care of me and I will take care of them.

My eyes settle on a textbook and all of my emotions still. I can't do this. I don't know how to succeed. And then everyone will look at my grades and see a failure. I will never succeed.