Different colored minds

a college diploma

MAVERICK POV

I'm laying down, wide awake and staring at the ceiling.

The conversation I had with my parents a few hours ago at dinner won't let me be at peace.

"Your father and I have been talking, Maverick and we've decided if you want us to, we'll help you pay for college. We want to support you as you grow into the man we know you are."
I'm sitting across from them. I'm poking my fork into my steak. I'm shoving the steak into my mouth.

I'm responsible for someone else's dreams now.

They want me to carry them forward.

And one day, after all those years I can buy my mom a new dish washer just like I always told myself I would.

I clench my fists.
"Thank you. I hadn't even considered that before, and I'm very grateful." I want to pay it forward. The dreams they've let me live.

One day I want to pay for my childrens' college education. I want to teach them how to succeed. And now is the moment. The moment it begins.

"I'm honored." I smile.

And now I can't sleep.

What if I fuck this up? I'm not THAT smart! I'm hella fucked up and for the life of me, I can't help but disappoint people. I'm not saying that for some pity party, I'm saying it because it's a fact of life. I will always disappoint people, my brain will always be different, and I'm never going to be what they consider smart my whole life. And I will, one hundred percent, without a doubt, disappoint them.

I gulp. It's a large responsibility at a very young age. Being responsible for an investment. A large sum of money. If I fail. That's my parents sweat and tears I'm wasting. That's time I'm never going to be able to give back to them.

And no matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect or what they need.

And not only that, they don't know I'm a highly successful streamer. What would they even do if they found my Channel? What would they do? Would they think I betrayed them? I lied to them? I wasn't real? I was being insincere? I don't care. I'm pulling them into scenarios in my head.

I don't get answers staring at the ceiling. The stars won't talk to me either. And the moonlight streaming in through the window is lonely and cold. I'm alone waiting for the tides to change.

It's so odd how stationary and yet busy everything is. It feels as if a rock is thrown into a pool and the water is left to undulate. Up until this point it's been them. My parents have fueled dreams that i don't know if I have for myself. I don't even know what I want for breakfast so how will I know what I'm good at? How will I know what career is right for me? Some people say they fall into a career, I guess that's streaming for me but my parents won't accept that. There's no way  they'll accept streaming as a feasible career.

There has to be another way to make income but I know how much of my existence is rather bland. I can't imagine wanting to get better at something i only might get a job in. There's no point in worrying about the unchangeable but there is able reason to.

I take a deep breath and turn on my stream. I've been grinding through dragon age on the stream. This is when I feel alive. When I can do what I'm good at—connecting. It's odd how second nature it is now. I feel almost as if my conversations are only a subcategory of streaming. Everything is organized into productive assets and things to let go. It's just playing the options.

There's a way out into the future for me. There has to be a way for people like me to make it. The ones who don't fit the grain and need another way out. And I wish the world was open wide for those opportunities. I can't understand why I'm going to hold down a normal job when I can barely get through school. I used to feel like my parents understood me.

Like they understood stuff was tougher for me. Maybe they do, maybe they're too enabling, but then again wouldn't everyone else telling me I suck help with that. I mean it's not like society has ever gone easy on me. It's not like any of this shit has been easy.

Maybe I just wish it was easy. Maybe I just wish that when they'd bully me it would make me get better. I would suddenly be as efficient, socially adept, good smelling perfect person just like them. The world is colder from here but it's still there. I've had just as much time in this world as the next person. I don't get excuses. I just am what I am. And I guess that's the only way I'll get better. Try to pressure myself to get better. Maybe it's good they're bullying me so I don't have to do it myself. I don't have to deal with it all by myself.