Different colored minds

a shift in perspective

PAMELA POV

My brother came home. He knocked on the front door. Was let in. And cried for a very long time. He didn't tell us where he went but he said sorry for running away. That he just doesn't know what to do anymore.
I listen to my parents talk when they don't think anyone is listening. The worried ways they try and accommodate us. The ways they want to see us succeed. I know there's hope. I know this isn't the end. But for some reason it doesn't matter. It still feels like I'm stuck with no way out. I tell myself only one more year until I graduate, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I'm so torn. My mom and I are close, and so are my father and I to some extent. But it doesn't make living with them easier either. I feel like I'm closing up, I'm watching my mind shut the rest of the world out. It's like a honing device. And I'm lost.
"Pamela," the math teacher looks at me. "What's got your head in the clouds?" The room feels dead silent.
"I don't know exactly."
"Well try and keep the daydreaming out of my class."
It's a cruel set of words in front of a large group of eyes. It's intimidating. Invalidating. And ignorant.
"Okay," I say with a small smile. I don't know what else to do. If I fight the teacher on it then the other students will hear me and that will be worse. I just want to fly below the radar.
"Hey Pamela," there's a whisper next to me. I turn to see joe.
"Yeah," I whisper back.
"Did your brother get home alright?" My brows crease. What?
The teacher continues talking.
"He made cookies with my mom and I and promised me he would go home afterward."
My heart stops. That's why he came home. He made a promise to Joe.
"You okay?" He asks. I'm confused by this question and am going to ask what he means but I find a lump in my throat.
"That must have been really stressful for your family."
He's the first person whose asked me how I was doing. How I felt about it all. And I'm speechless.
"Thanks for making cookies with my brother." I say simply. "He needed the fun." And I smile. He looks at me with slight sadness.
I guess I always assumed Joe was completely apathetic towards the world. I used to think he wasn't caring or kind. This one event blue that expectation out of the water.
I blink and the page before me swims. None of this is okay but someone is here. Someone gets it. It's just not who I expected.
"You didn't answer my question," he whispers. His warmth makes my skin tingle. I gulp. No.
I know this feeling.
It's happened before.
Something like electricity pumping through me. So he can see when I'm lying?
"Which one?" I ask back.
"How are you?" He asks again.
I blink again. How did he notice me?
"Sad," I finally say quietly.
I know my brother. He's going to use this person as a mentor. Someone to look up to. He's going to use joe for that. I know how this goes because any chance he has to lean on me he doesn't. He never even gave me the chance to be irresponsible.
He never depends on me. And I never feel like I can depend on him then.

And I know the few times that I've asked for advice how it goes. It's like how I talked to him about the first day of school. He saw me crying about how hard it was and told me I had to toughen up. That I have to be stronger to be Able to take on the world. That I'm weak.

I use it as fuel to progress but I will never trust peoples' opinions of me. People will always underestimate what I'm capable of and how much they are willing to use me for it. They've always been that way. I'm an easily usable person. I make myself that way. I give myself freely. I've always felt like god would do the same in my shoes. If I can't show how much I care when it hurts how much did I care when it didn't?
My eyes flick towards Joe's.  They're still boring into me like woodpeckers.
I think he wants me to expand but I have nothing to say. I've seen him in the halls. He doesn't give a damn about other people. He only hangs out with people if he wants to. He's only nice to people when it's convenient. He only cares when they're doing what he wants. He's everything that I hate. He hates clinginess. He hates getting deep. It's no wonder that my brother found him. Found someone that doesn't care just like him. But that doesn't mean I have to care. I don't want my feelings.
I don't want the weight of my feelings.
"I was surprised. You know when I realized you two were related," he continues. He wants to talk?
Why?
I'm nothing like him.
"I'm surprised that he was with you," I state. "How did you get to know eachother?" I can feel the chill in my voice. The conversation where I'm only a fraction of myself.
"He was walking by with a pile of books with no one and no where to go, and he reminded me of someone. So I helped him out," he shrugs.
I blink.
So he went out of his way to be nice to my brother.
My heart thuds louder and I hate it for every inch it gives.
Why him?
Why some stupid boy that doesn't care about anyone but himself?
But then why did he let my brother in? Who did my brother remind him of?
I won't ask him. People like him aren't worth the conversation. 
"Thanks," I state pointedly and then continue pushing my pencil into the paper.