Different colored minds

Unconditional love

ALIANA POV

Practice has been messy with the new members. Serena isn't the only one that's uncomfortable. Several girls have made comments. Not only that, but changing clothing is also an issue.
"Hey aliana," Abelle comes up to me after class.
"I'm going to change in the family bathroom," I can see in her eyes the toll those girls have on her. She's banged up and bruised just like me. Before I can stop myself I reach towards her hand.
"Abelle. I think you're strong. And I'm so glad you're on this team." She looks at me, more like pierces me with her stare. It's intense like an unending fire.
"You're so kind aliana, and thoughtful, why?"
"No one thought of me and I don't think other people deserve that. They deserve someone that thinks of them."
"But why me? I know you're a Christian..."
"Because your beliefs deserve just as much respect as Mine. And Jesus always stood up for the oppressed and the outcasts. He took care of people like us. He didn't abandon us because we were different. Or judge us because we weren't all we were chalked up to be. He doesn't need that. He knows my heart. And I know he died to save me. So I want to pay that kindness forward." Her eyes look sad.
"God doesn't want me, I've always known I wanted to be a girl. I've never once been happy in my body. If he knew what he was doing why would he make me want to be a girl so bad?"
"I don't know. To be honest with you, I..." but my sentence is cut off. Maybe the thought is better unsaid.
"You better not be inviting her to the changing room traitor." It's Serena walking down the aisle. "We don't want him."
My hand is still in hers as Serena saunters away.
"Hey Abelle," I say. she's looking down.
"Hey, listen to me. You're beautiful. You're talented. And you earned your spot by your atheleticism and your grace. You have just as much right to be here as they do. They don't deserve to steal your joy."
"What makes you different? You understand?"
My fists clench. I can't talk about this. I don't know how to talk about this. But if it'll help.
"I wanted to be a guy since I could remember. They were faster and stronger and didn't care about stuff as much as I did. They let it roll off their backs. They could become a pastor or a boss. They could walk alone at night. They could be a gentleman to a girl who doesn't have much love come her way. They could stand up and fight for what they believed in and people would respect them. And all I was told was I couldn't be that. I had to be smaller. I had to shut up. I had to keep myself in line."
"Then why are you still a girl?"
"Because women need to be told that they CAN do whatever they put their mind to. When I set my eyes on Jesus his purpose is set before. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And I need to prove that to myself. That Jesus doesn't love some of humanity, he loves all of us. That there's a place for us. He will fight for the one left behind. This body I'm in right now is temporary. And this name I have and this gender I own are all so fleetingly temporary. When I get to heaven I get my true name. I get my true body. And I get to be married to my true husband, Jesus. So while I'm here I have to bring as many people with me into that acceptance and love as I can. Because at the end of the day. We are all alone in our minds with ourselves and the Holy Spirit if we let him in."
"Well you do you. More power to you for that."
There's a strange lump in my throat. This unending sense that I'm not doing enough. That I won't reach her. That I won't be loving her enough. That she thinks she's beyond love. But she's not. She's lovely and graceful and wonderful. I'm about to say as much when my thoughts are interrupted by her voice.
"I have to head to the family bathroom now," Abelle looks crestfallen.
"I'll go too," I blurt. She blinks.
"I don't like changing in the stalls anyways. I shouldn't have to change in front of people," I shake my head. Abelle giggles.
"What?" I laugh back.
"I didn't know it made you uncomfortable too," and now we're both laughing as we walk there holding hands. She's so easy to talk to. Easier than anyone I've known before.
"Bathroom stalls were never a good idea,"
"I mean the shit people get away with in bathrooms, no pun intended," I laugh.
"For real," she giggles as we near the destination.
"See you soon," she winks at me and I gulp. Why the FUCK is she so hot? She's my kryptonite with those emeral eyes and that long jet black hair and her smile. She caught my soul by surprise and I can't get enough. I'd love her whatever she decides to be. I'm pretty hooked. Does that make me a bad Christian to date a no Christian? I guess there's one to talk to about it.

Alright god,
Here I am again at my wits end. I know you want me to be equally yoked. But I keep getting this feeling like this was ordained. I have peace. And I don't know what to do. I know that you make water in dry land and you part seas that no one else can. I just know how I feel. And I know there has to be a reason. There has to be a reason. So I guess I'm giving this to you because that's the right thing to do. Help me because no one is going to understand this. And I'm already on the outside. This is another excuse to keep me out. I want to spread your love and I need to know how to give despite not  receiving. I need to be your light and care when people don't know how to care back. I just don't know how to execute that. You do. So give me your eyes. Give me your heart and maybe I can love and live to give glory to your name. To give out of an abundance. I want to be a well that does not run dry so they see you. So they know you. So they love you and in turn love each other unconditionally as well. I know I'm asking for the impossible. That's why I'm praying to the maker of the universe. Give me life to give to others when they have none.
I love you and you know I'll be talking to you again soon. You are beyond amazing. Just as you are. And I want your will.
Amen

Maybe god is fake.
But my prayers aren't.
And even if my prayers are bouncing off of the ceiling for some.
I know my god exists.
Because he loved me first.