Different colored minds

red sports car

PAMELA POV

My mind doesn't slow down before I go to bed. My mind goes faster. If anything it feels like an unending whirlpool of unpleasant thoughts invading my privacy. I roll over in bed, and in the distance muffled through the wall I hear my parents. My dad is yammering away to my mom, a short, mhm, is response. I sit awake in bed, letting their talk lull me to sleep. All of their struggles aside. My parents love eachother. And at the end of the day. That's why we stick it out. Because we love.

The morning fades into my unconscious mind pulling me awake. The sun is up before my alarm goes off. And I roll out of bed. I guess it's a good day to go on a walk. So I grab a coat, wrap it around myself and open the door so as not to wake my family. Cold air from outside hits my throat and sinuses. I scrunch my hands into my pockets and start walking. Dew covers the grass on either side of the road. Sleeping houses with no lights on greet me on both sides.

The world is quiet except for the distant sounds of cars wizzing past on the highway, it kind of sounds like a waterfall or a river. A city in South America when I would open my window. And the silence surrounding my eardrums reminds me of something a friend once told me years ago.
"My grandpa told me that if you listen really carefully you can hear the sound of the earth," most times I think back on it as a fantastical fantasy but sometimes I still catch myself listening hard for the sounds of it speaking.

I freeze, someone is running across the street. In their hand is a rock. In one moment the rock is imbedded in the front windshield of a bright red sports car. I decide it's probably a good time to head home. I turn around and walk as fast as I can back to the house. I take a moment to pause at the front door and look down the street. I don't know how far back he is, but when I look he's no longer there. He must live nearby. A shiver runs down my spine as I open the door.

My mom is waiting on the other side. She has her arms crossed.
"Did I give you permission to leave the house?"
"I..."
She takes a deep breath.
"Im not mad mija, it just made me worried when I couldn't find you. just let me know next time before you go on a stroll in the middle of the night.
My heart is still pounding in my chest from what I just saw.
"Yeah. Okay," I say and then I smile.
"Thank you for worrying for my safety. Love you mom. If you want I'll watch a show with you upstairs," I smile.

My mom looks elated.

This is what keeps me alive on the long days. On the scary days. I come home and watch tv so I don't get stuck in my head. There's white people strolling across the screen. Clean rooms. The United States the way I saw it for a million years. How would someone understand? How could they? I'm supposed to be white just like them. I should know their references. I should be on my phone more. I should block out the rest of the world with my phone. Silence the world with my little box. Invest in the people inside my box.

My eyes drift towards my mother. All of the things we've been through and I don't even know how to tell her what is happening. I don't know how to be open the way we used to be. Dad has to be first. And I get that. Or I tell myself I do. It still feels like treachery.

Why did you stay when he tortures us? Why do you stay when it costs me my normal life? Who knows if I would be free without my gobs of grief, but I imagine I'd at least have consistency. I would have something. I would have life long friends. I would have a town that grew old with me. Maybe id be able to not feel so alone right now. I'd be around family. It hurts bad because it was never my choice to make. It was chosen for me.

The faces smile on the screen and my mom smiles with them. Is this what life is? Living to watch people dance across a plexiglass screen? But there's nothing else to say. There's nothing else I want to say. There's nothing to say. I could tell her school sucks. I could tell her I keep seeing things that dad would think is sinful. I keep trying to make friends and no one stays. I could tell her what I saw today...

Who I saw today but why?

When I can't even tell her about boys. The only thing that all girls will talk to me about. The key to making friends. Finding ways to make them relate to me. Make them want to stay. Make them want to give me consistency when they can't even have that in their own homes?

The faces on the screen do all sorts of things. They say all sorts of things. Why can't I be like them and they'll want me too. Humans will want me too. I won't be alone forever. Why are people worth loving when all they want to do is take? How am I supposed to make it out of this alive when there's no one waiting on the other side? There's no goal to achieve. I always thought I had that. Had soemone willing to be my consistency. But they never want me. Maybe I get a little obsessed. Maybe I just get too clingy. Maybe I'm too energetic. Maybe I talk too much. I've thought through it all and it's still never enough. No one wants me.