Different colored minds

A letter

STEVEN POV

Im finishing my education in prison. The walls are just as cold and bare. And I do feel alone a lot of the time. But my soul is free in the lord. We talk all the time. And sometimes I even catch myself trying to forgive myself for what I did. Which I never thought I would be able to do before. I hate myself. And most days I would rather kill myself. But when I think of the lord and that he still might love me. It gives me hope. And that hope makes me want to be a better man.
"Steven, you have mail," I look up. And watch as hundreds of letter flood through the hatch. My heart stops. Who are they from? What do they want? And with another heart breaking lurch I realize It must be the kids... the kids whose lives I ruined. I look down at them all. Scrunched in a bunch at my feet. And then I pick one up with a name I know. Joe. I rip it open.

Steven,
I wanted to come visit but it looks like we'll have to wait to do that for a few years from now, so I wrote you a letter.
I found our retro games in various equipment you only used. It reminded me of the old days. I will always love you. I'm sorry I wasn't a better best friend. You're right. I was selfish and short sighted. I didn't see what was going on in your life and I was blind to your pain because I was too focused on myself. I hope one day you can forgive me.
I hope you're doing well Steven. Stay safe. You can send me mail here. I'm praying for you. And I love you brother. -Joe

Im crying, two sentences in. I was so lonely. I was so alone. And this little letter is all I needed. But there's one thing that's bothering me. We never played retro games... but we did use a stupid code to talk when we were younger. I read it again.
I
Found
Our
Retro
Games
In
Various
Equipment
You
Only
Used.
I
F
O
R
G
I
V
E
Y
O
U

I can't help but sob. I tear open the other letter.

We've all been going to church together.

I hope you're doing okay.

We all pray for you.

I hope you get better soon.

The lord will keep you.

Jesus loves you.

God still wants you.

God loves you Steven.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

All those people. I barely talked to, and all I did to them was kill and brutalize them. The tears are coming fast. The burn in my soul is strong. No. This isn't how this is supposed to go. They should hate me. They should hate me. They should hate me.

I can't stop sobbing, all of the letters now strewn around my body.

And my mind in torturous detail remembering each of their faces comforted in pain.

I regret.

And it makes me hate myself.

And I don't deserve to die.

But if god died for Paul who lived off of murdering Christians and god had plans for him. He has to have plans for me too.