Different colored minds

Ive picked up reading

STEVEN POV

The cell is lonely. My body is cold. They have me in a cell alone, which is to be expected. But it's lonely. And I'm cold. And the walls, they're so blank. And I can't help but feel more alone. I thought this was better, somehow, maybe. But it's not. Not because of the hell out there, but the hell in my head. I can't help it. All I feel. This emptiness that consumes me all the time. This aching that will never be filled. I'm alone. Forever.
"Hey, we're bringing by books for the cell mates, anything you want?" It's a guard outside of my door.
"No," I say, looking at the white walls.
"Alright," he says and continues on his way. It's lonely. And awful.
"Wait!" The guard is back in a flash.
"Can you get me a Bible?" The man laughs darkly.
"Like that'll save your soul," like I think it will either. I know I'm dispicable. I know that what I did no one in a million years would ever do. I know. I already know that. But God always saw me as who I was before. Maybe, maybe he'll still forgive me. I doubt it but maybe. Maybe he'll let me be his kid again. If anyone, if anyone... but I can't finish the sentence without seeing the kids I brutalized. I can't help but drag myself right back to that moment. It was that conversation with Jeremy. That was the moment I turned. I can see it clear as day now. That moment I thought that something I could do could punish people. How naive. How stupid I was. God always punishes the wicked, just as much as bad things happen to the good. Because he knows the outcome, and the cost, he knows our limits, and our baggage, and the sin we hold inside.
How, how did I not see it before? And Jeremy. I let him in because he was like me, I let it sink in because no one else loved me. No one else cared like Jeremy. I let the sin in because I wanted love. I wanted someone to love me.

And. Now. Sitting alone in a cold hard cell I realize it. I was loved all along. I was loved by God, and I threw Him away. And then took away his children from this earth. I did that. I broke the rules. I broke the code. And no one, no one on earth could ever forgive me for what I did. So now, isolated by my own actions, I sit alone with Him. Alone in a little cell, an office, sitting in a room with the Most High God.