Different colored minds

He's really gone

JOE POV

I sit at my desk and look blankly at the board. I don't usually talk to God. But lately, I haven't really had anyone else to talk to. I don't know if he's real. But at this point I really don't care. For some reason whoever he is, is trying to make me pass school. He keeps making this kid come up and talk to me. There's this sense of urgency when he comes up to me every time. Like there's something else he's trying to say, and it's not even him that's trying to say it. I can tell he and I both don't understand. But for some reason he's nice to me, and he's trying to help.

On the other side of that is Steven. if he would rather not be my friend, I could care less. But it doesn't hurt any less. We've been best friends forever. We did everything together. And now he's gone. I think I knew he was gone a bit before he told me he was leaving. I could see in his eyes that we weren't friends anymore. He didn't respect me the way he used to. He didn't want the same things I did like he used to. He changed into a person I couldn't recognize. He stopped reaching out towards me. And I didn't have the energy to reach back the way he needed. So he gave up. It's only fair—

I could have done more. I could have fought it. Told him we can make it. But I'm not going to hold someone captive who doesn't want to be there. I guess I could have asked him why he's leaving But I don't have the time or the energy for that. I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be my friend. For right now all I have to give is going into my stupid leg.

Teachers don't understand how far away each of their classrooms are and my schedule isn't forgiving either. People in the hallways seem to be trying to step in the way lately or stop in the middle right where I need to be. It takes everything inside me not to tear off their heads. But it only makes them talk longer in the end if I get them mad so I don't see the point.

The football team wants me to come back so that I can be their savior for the upcoming games. No matter how many times I tell them I'm done, none of them listen. It's because none of them really care. They only care about what I can do for them. Not what I need. Besides, I don't know why they won't listen to Steven. He's supposed to be the captain. I don't know why of all of the people they choose me as the one they want to lead them into the ranks of enemy territory. Whatever that reason is. It's still overrated. I'm never playing football again. I swore that to myself the day I lost my leg playing. That sport is not me. I have to walk away. It's the best option.

Only, that Maverick kid. I clearly don't want to be his friend and he sticks around? How does he do that? Why does he stay? Why does he even want to be my friend? I won't give him anything. Is he looking for a savior like them? Is he pitying me like them? And more importantly when will it stop?

One day, like Steven, he'll leave. Hell stop caring. He'll move on. Hell I'll move on to new things too. I don't care about bringing anyone else with me though. I don't need anyone. I'm better off the way I am, alone. People are unreliable. I don't know when I can depend on them so I'd rather not depend on anyone.

Or at least, that's what I've learned I'm supposed to do.

In my mind I see aliana. I left her. Maybe she would have been fine with staying. Nah.

She'd get mad at me and leave just like everyone else. And who cares. It doesn't matter anyway. It's not like I can do anything about it now. She has someone. She moved on. Which is what I wanted. I needed. I needed alone time. I wanted alone time. So why. Why, now that I have alone time can't I stop thinking about all of them? Why when I finally have what I've always wanted am I still so empty? Why am I still here? What is left?

I have nothing left to give. I have no one else to care about. And yet, I still care. This is so stupid. I turn over towards my desk. I haven't read anything lately. I should look into something. I should read something good. Like an adventure. Like war and peace. The thought makes me laugh audibly.

Really?

At a time like this that's the book I want. The one that relates to them.
I sigh.
This is exhausting. I can't get this shit off my mind.
And so I read. The world is colder from far away. Things are cool enough to touch here. Thoughts don't have to be my only company. I don't know why it helps but I can't help it.
No matter how old I am I will always be reading.