Different colored minds

Memory lane

JOE POV

A memory sears my temples.
I'm sitting on the grass outside by the field next to aliana. Her hands have pulled her knees up to her chest.
"What do you want to be when you grow up joe?"
I look at her blankly, then look out at the football field.
"I don't know, play football I guess."
"I mean, besides that," she chuckles, the light reflecting off her teeth. "You're so smart, I bet you could do just about anything."
"I don't know," I chuckle. "Have you seen my grades?"
"Grades don't mean you're smart, it just means you're good at telling people what they like to hear."
"What makes you say that?"
"I mean, I understand subjects just fine, but I can't get good grades. If I based my intelligence off of that, I'd REALLY be stupid." I look at her confused.
"Then what do you think makes you smart?"
"What you do with the information you retain? And how you treat other people, knowing what you know." She grins. "Can you keep a secret?"
"Yeah," I laugh.
"I want to be a lawyer."
"A lawyer?! I didn't see that coming."
"I gotta find some way to defend the weak."
"But why a lawyer?"
"I don't think mental disabilities are represented well in court. I want to change that. But i have to know the legislature for that."
I simply gawk at her.
"Good luck with that," I finally laugh. I reach down and pluck a piece of grass.
"I think you'd make a good lawyer too. Or a prosecutor." I look over at her, my brows furrowed.
"You're strong, smart, and good looking." She counts them off on her fingers.
"You have some big dreams for me missy."
"Someone has to." She reaches over and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear.
"But whatever you choose to do, I'm sure you'll do great at it." Her face is inches from mine, but before we can kiss I shove the memory to the recesses of my mind.

I stare up at the bland ceiling of my room. I've never given law much thought before now. Maybe because I've been avoiding thinking about aliana. There's no point in thinking about dead dreams, that's what I've always thought before. I still think that now. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn't help. I still think about her. Or the things we did together. It's not like I couldn't get those memories elsewhere. Or maybe that's it. Maybe I'm scared I'll never have those kind of memories again. I'll be left in this dumb world with people like my dad who only care about themselves and what's important to them. But then again, wouldn't that make being a prosecutor the best option for me? My dad would be proud. I would get money. I can cover my leg with a suit. It would be perfect. And I hate that even more. How did she know? Why does she know this stuff about people? What they can do with their lives. I guess it doesn't matter right now. I still have time to decide. Besides. If the rest of the world really is as blind As my dad is, I'm sure they'll be just as talented at overlooking crucial points as he is. And that is what I can monopolize on. I smile. I guess looking back at memories can't be all bad.

I clench my fists.

But it's still not worth it.

The pain she brings back to me is never worth the cost of the memories. Her smell. Her hair. I can't be thinking like this. I need out.

I would do soemthing with Steven, but he hasn't wanted to hang out. I guess I could try picking apart my homework. I sigh. I can't even shoot hoops now.

Life is so boring.

I know I can't let my leg defeat me but I feel like it already has. I could go on. I could keep moving forward but there's no point.

I'm not depressed.

I'm being realistic.

I know it's a lie deep down but I'm too tired to fight it. I've always faced Shit on my own so I don't know why I just want to throw in the towel now.

Maybe my dad is right. Maybe I'm throwing a pity party for myself. I hate it when he's right.

I twist around in bed. That's what this is, isn't it? I'm throwing myself a pity party. And it's better that way. I'm better this way. I should be alone. I should do nothing. I should give up.
I should be allowed to give up and roll over and die if I want.
And again I know it before I finish the thought. It's bullshit.
I sit up and look at the desk. I look at the text book on the desk.
There's only one way out of a pity party. Hard work. Impossibly hard work and god.
I find a podcast on the current facets of the government on my phone and then roll over to the desk.
I know how to get out of a pity party.
I don't want to get out of my pity party.
The words drown on in the background as I open my book. I don't understand a single problem.
I've had two offers to help with homework.
I've had my parents breathing down my neck.
And I still don't want help.
I don't want to get better. It's as easy as that.
I don't want to live without my leg.
I don't want to live without my best friend.
And I don't want to live without the woman I love.
I should have been able to do this all alone. I shouldn't have to rely on others. This is so stupid. I can't get my shit together without them but I can't get my shit together with them either.
How do I get out of this mindset?
How do I move forward?
Why don't I want to move forward?