Different colored minds

Party stink

MAVERICK POV

It's not like I don't want to be at parties that people throw. People don't want me there. I don't wash my hair. I barely brush my teeth. The only thing I consistently do is work out and game. It wouldn't even matter if we did have something in common Because let's be honest here, who would want to have something in common with me?

I have no problem with how I live my life. I couldn't give a crap if they don't think my hair should be greasy But it doesn't mean the talk doesn't effect me. Hearing all the time how much you stink, or that your teeth are yellow, or that you should care more about your appearance can get tedious. I try my best to take care of my hygiene and one day I will be able to proudly say that I wash my hair and brush my teeth more than I do now But it doesn't matter if they won't listen. I'm about to walk outside into a world that doesn't give a damn about my feelings. Not because they aren't capable of it but Because it makes them uncomfortable And they would rather be comfortable with themselves and the way they do things than acknowledge there might be a different way.

Now I'm not saying that hygiene is something I don't care about at all. I think it's considerate of someone to take the time to smell good. It takes a lot of time and effort to do that. I don't find people that smell that appealing either, but who am I to judge. And even the people that do judge me, judgement always boils down to something they haven't dealt with themselves.  they won't be getting any condemnation out of me. Or hopefully, if I can love unconditionally.

Which is a whole other thing that I don't have time to go into.

I take a deep breathe.

I wonder if joe went to the party? If he's not hanging out with those people anymore I don't know what he'll end up doing for tonight. I shrug. I'm sure he's fine.

So instead of letting myself get down on myself for stuff I can't change it is time to do some school work. The school work that I have consists of chemistry and a hunk of history reading as well. At least on the bright side because I can't go I can try and get some homework done. I take another deep breath. I'll have to make sure I finish in time for my show tonight. I guess we'll have to see what the future has in store.

There's only a few viewers tonight. No matter what I do these days, the world all looks the same. I don't know what I can do differently to keep entertaining. This is why I never wanted my career to be based off of video gaming. Who knows what's to come in the realm of entertainment. Nor do I want to know what is to come. I decide that I deserve some time outside of my head. I end the stream early and open my window. Since I'm on the bottom floor I can sneak out if I pop the Window screen out.

The stars are breathing light into the darkness. It's cold outside. The seasons are finally changing. Maybe that's what this is too. A season.

Damn. Fuck my sentimental brain.

I walk down the sidewalk in the darkness. I don't choose to live in an eternal existential crisis, my head hates me. Or maybe I hate my head. It doesn't matter. It's all existential bull shit buzzing around up inside my skull.

I take another breath.

It might be too cold outside for a walk. I should head back home. I turn around in the darkness. A car whizzes past me filled with a group of snaggle toothed teens. They look excited to be alive. I wish I could feel like that. Have a friend to go
Do stupid things with so I end up with snaggle teeth too.

Being left out makes me feel isolated. Being invited in causes me immense existential dread.
And being alone means I have to survive my own brain.
The trifecta of reasons why living seems a bit over rated but who am I to judge.
The house is cold like outside.