Different colored minds

the roster

ALIANA POV

I stare down at the list of names of the students who tried out. The tally next to them represents each member of the team's vote on someone joining the team. Ultimately after gathering everyone's votes it's up to me to decide who to pick for the team.
It's hard.
I can see the two most popular names. The tally is overwhelmingly clear. But I also know that the two girls who are picked did not perform better than Abelle. They are close friends with most of the cheer squad. That is why everyone chose those two. They didn't particularly like or want anyone else on the list. They never gave them a chance.
I'm torn.
I can see what the squad want, I've already heard some of the girls gloating about the two they want most getting on squad But my gut feeling won't leave me alone.
I want to be a well loved leader but I will not stand for picking someone just because my squad likes them better. It's not fair or good or right. It's favoritism, it's exclusion, and it's wrong. But now there's a war within me.

What if I'm wrong? What if they genuinely think the other people are better? Not only that but cheer is based around the team. It's based on the bond and respect we have with eachother. I could keep my mouth shut, pick the two people that they want me to and then leave it. I'd be the dream captain of the team. Success in the team's eyes would be achieved. But this is not who I am. And the idea of ignoring something blatantly unfair is below me. It's not what I want to promote. And most importantly it's not what I want to be remembered for.
I pick up my phone and dial one of the numbers on the sheet of paper.
"Hello, is Xylia there?" There's a crackling on the other side of the phone.
"You're talking to her."
"Wonderful! Well I would like to inform you that you have made it onto the team."
"Oh my gosh! Really I'm so excited. Wait till I tell my mom! Thank you so much. Oh my goodness! I have to go she'll be thrilled. Oh my goodness." I smile hearing her banter with me on the phone. I know why serenity and the other girls like her. She's bubbly and happy. She's got a great vibe. And soon we're off the phone, my soul filled with joy.
I put my hand on the paper again. My finger slides down to the next name I'm looking for. There's a line of tally marks after her name. My index finger against the letters engraved in graphite.
They want her to be the one on the team. It takes a long time before I finally punch in the numbers. I'm about to press call, but I feel it. It's not right. Abelle deserves this. And before I can get myself to stop I'm erasing the numbers and plugging in Abelle's number instead.
She picks up the phone on the first ring.
"Hello?" Her voice is deep and chipper.
"Hi Abelle this is Aliana. I'm calling to tell you you've been accepted onto the cheer team." There's a silence on the other side.
"Really?" Her voice sounds disbelieving.
"Yes," I smile into the phone. "We want you." And with that xylia and Abelle are added to the roster of cheerleaders. A popular chick and Abelle. I smile.
I'm about to pay hell for what I have just done. It would be easier to get off my moral horse and lay down. Let them walk all over me and what I know is right. But if god made me the cheer captain, it was for this moment. I can take the heat. Hell at least they'll be asses to my face.
The world will always be cold to me and I'm okay with that. I don't need the world to want me or like me. I'm already loved, and besides, god's got my back.
"Hey sugar," it's my dad.
I smile.
"Want to come golfing?" He blinks and then smiles happily.
"I'd love to," he smiles.
I don't golf but I watch him golf.
On the way he makes me practice the stick shift car we have. He talks about engines and the world and his views on everything. This is my favorite part about my dad. He needs the space to talk.
We pull up to the golf course.
"How is senior year going pumpkin?" My dad asks.
"Unexpected," i frown and then quickly clear my face of emotion.
"I'm what way?" My father asks.
How do I even begin? I haven't even told my parents I'm bi. I haven't even told them I don't like bulky boys I like boobs. I like men that wear skirts and makeup. I like women that wear no make up at all. Im sure I could love someone who was like Joe again. But the pain inside of me was so much harsher then. I had to promise I wouldn't dye my hair. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't do that. I would be a woman, a traditional woman first.
I can't be with that again. I am a woman but first of all I'm human. I deserve respect just as much as he does. The way I chose to dress is an expression of freedom.
This makes my heart explode larger. Like Abelle. I want to be more like her. Strong and independent. She doesn't care about what they all think. She's herself. That's what I want to be. I want to be allowed to be myself.
And the world will never let me be myself so I hide me behind cheerleading and smiles. I hide behind the cold mask I hold up. No one can kill my dreams if I don't tell them I'm dreaming about them.
"I've made a new friend," I smile.
"That's good," he says absently grabbing a bucket of balls.
I don't elaborate.