Different colored minds

School again

ABELLE POV

School started a few days later. In fact they gave us six days off to be exact. They have the library blocked off. And things look different. Security is crazy now. There's metal detectors and police officers. But it's not that that's overwhelming. It's the walls.  And the floors. It's the steps you retrace every time you take a step in a direction you went that day. I can watch my steps lead to the library. I can feel my heart pounding and my blood pumping looking around the cafeteria where they put walls around the blown up parts. They gave us a memorial service for the dead people. Told us to talk to eachother. And not shut eachother off. And to get help if we need it. The normal stuff. But no one on earth can protect me from my own head.

I can see myself holding hands with Aliana down the hallway. I can see us kissing by the lockers. I can smell her flowery perfumes. I can almost hear the echo of her laugh. After school is worse. Going to practice without her. But then again so is every time I try and take a step forward. They say it gets worse before it gets better. I hope they're right.

The cheer team doesn't even hate on me when I grab my uniform for cheer. They all kind of look sad for me. Which is weird. They've never looked at me with pity before. Even Serena who I know hates me doesn't say anything when I go into the locker room to grab my stuff. I make sure to knock beforehand too. But when I get in there they look at me different.
"Hey Abelle, you can change in the bathrooms in here if you'd like," one of the girls tells me. "We're happy youre part of our team." I make it to the stalls before I fall apart on the floor. This is what she wanted for me. She wanted them to show love to me. And they do. I look up at the cobwebbed ceiling above me.
"Do you see that? Your prayers made it through?" I exit the dressing room and walk out into the gym. I freeze. Maverick and joe are there.
Im about to run away.
"Hey Abelle! You any good at basketball!"
"Not in a skirt," I laugh.
"They treating you okay, I know aliana would want me to watch your back," Maverick shoots and makes a basket.
Joe looks at me from a far. I gulp.
"Thanks Mav," he looks at me abruptly.
"Did you just give me a nickname?"
"I'm I didn't mean..."
"No, i like it. Has a ring to it."
To be honest. It's never been good with boys as much as it's never been good with girls. They don't respect you as a man or as a woman when you're trans. Somehow you're less than. My entire identity is what they don't want. I'm the grey. The in between. The one in the wrong because the right didn't feel like it. I'm the shadow of what I want to be.
"Um, well, if you want me to, I can keep calling you that." He smiles at me.
"Sounds good." He passes the ball to joe.
"Let us know if you ever wanna play a game of pick up sometime." It's joe that says it. "I think you're a strong cheer leader, I've seen how smooth you are. I bet you've got mad money moves," he makes the ball go through the hoop.
"I'll keep that in mind," I smile. And for the first time in what feels like forever i feel like people are accepting me for who I am. Not for who they want me to be.
I clench my fists though.
"Joe I know you dated her first. So I'm grateful for your kindness. But I've figured out by now you have to be Christian. And by the way you talk..."
"So you're not?" Joe and maverick ask abruptly. There's a knot in my stomach. I feel lost. The ground feels like mush. I shrug noncommittally. Being a Christian means change. And change is hard and scary and it hurts. I don't know if I'll ever feel convicted about being trans but Alaina is right. There are things I feel conviction about. I just know that since it's the most obvious "sin" in my life people like to poke at it. People like to critique what they can see. And pretty soon I understood. They weren't listening to me when I talked. They never got me help when I asked. They never took the time to understand my soul, so why on earth should I care how they feel about my body?

Forgive them.

Her words are hard in my head. They are set on repeat in her voice.

'That's okay. Take your time. Christ will be here today as well as yesterday and tomorrow. He will never leave you or forsake you. We are the ones who forsake him," maverick shoots another hoop.

I blink. Hold on. I feel it.

The feeling I got from when I was with her.

He loves god like she did.

The thought makes me smile and break apart into tiny pieces again.