Backlash Part 1

Chapter 2: The Infirmary

'Lan Zhan. Why?'

Lan Wangji had felt that something was wrong. Everything from the look in Wei Wuxian's eyes to the way he moved was off. Wei Wuxian's eyes had seemed dim. The warm light that always sparkled in his dark eyes appeared to have been snuffed out. Lan Wangji didn't understand what happened. Before Wei Wuxian fell he had been laughing and teasing like usual.

To spy on others would be improper. Lan Wangji was not certain this counted as spying. He was only following to ensure Wei Wuxian's safety. The back hills could be dangerous depending on how far out Wei Wuxian went. It was worthy of concern that he was not returning to the main compound of Cloud Recesses. Lan Wangji had not expected that the danger to Wei Wuxian would be from Wei Wuxian himself.

Lan Wangji held Wei Wuxian close. When Wei Wuxian raised Subian to his throat Lan Wangji reacted. He had scarcely processed what had just happened when Wei Wuxian engaged him in a fight. The terror slowly spread through his body as the reality of the situation finally sunk in. Wei Wuxian had just tried to kill himself. Wei Wuxian wanted to die.

Lan Wangji stared down at Wei Wuxian. He didn't dare move, afraid it would pull Wei Wuxian from his sleep. Wei Wuxian's words echoed in his mind over and over.

'Lan Zhan. Why?'

'Why what? Wei Ying, What were you trying to ask me?' Lan Wangji felt like someone had gripped his heart and was squeezing it tighter and tighter. 'Wei Ying. Why do you want to die?' That question felt like a sharp blade stabbing into his heart.

'Was it my fault?' The thought came unbidden and froze Lan Wangji on the spot. Lan Wangji closed his eyes. He could feel Wei Wuxian's soft breaths as they brushed across his neck. He could feel the steady heart beat against his chest. Even with these assurances that Wei Wuxian was still alive, Lan Wangji did not feel at ease. Wei Wuxian had wanted to die. He was alive now, but that didn't mean he would stay that way. The thought of never seeing Wei Wuxian again filled him with pain. Lan Wangji thought about what it would mean for Wei Wuxian to die. Lan Wangji could never see him smile again. He could never again hear his laugh. He would no longer get to listen to the rhythmic chatter as Wei Wuxian's mind raced quickly from one thought to the next. His world would be quiet and empty once more. He would be alone. Lan Wangji felt like something was breaking inside of him. He always chastised Wei Wuxian and pushed him away. Wei Wuxian always persevered anyway and Lan Wangji had begun to rely on that. Only now did he realize just how much he wanted Wei Wuxian in his life.

'Wei Ying. I'm sorry. I-I do want to be close. Please don't leave.' For the first time in a long time Lan Wangj felt tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He swallowed hard and took several deep breaths. Only once he felt certain that he wouldn't wake Wei Wuxian did Lan Wangji adjust his grip and stand. He cradled Wei Wuxian in his arms. Wei Wuxian's hands were gripping the front of Lan Wangji's robes fiercely. It was like he was afraid the person holding him might disappear. Lan Wangji couldn't resist the urge to pull Wei Wuxian closer in his embrace.

'I'm here, Wei Ying. I won't leave. So you... don't leave me too. Please.' Lan Wangji begged silently as he slowly began making his way out of the back hills. He tried to focus on what to do next, but it was hard to think. His mind continued to circle anxiously around what had hurt Wei Wuxian so badly. He replayed their every interaction. Every time he had rejected Wei Wuxian's friendship. Every time that he had responded to him with anger. Every time he had pulled away. He had been scared. Around Wei Wuxian all the things he felt became so loud.

Wei Wuxian made a small sound in his sleep, and it was only then Lan Wangji realized he had tightened his hold on him. Lan Wangji forced his arms to relax slightly and Wei Wuxian shifted lightly in his sleep. Wei Wuxian pressed himself closer to Lan Wangji like he couldn't tolerate any space between them. His hands gripped Lan Wangji's robes tightly as Wei Wuxian buried his face into Lan Wangji's chest. Another soft sigh slid quietly from Wei Wuxian's chest as he relaxed in Lan Wangji's hold.