Backlash Part 1

Chapter 9: The Infirmary

Lan Wangji awoke at five as he usually did. Although he had stayed up a bit later talking with Wei Wuxian, it was not enough to override his internal clock. The first thing he noticed upon waking was the warm weight of Wei Wuxian sleeping in his arms. He had never felt like this when touching someone before. For such a long time touch seemed like an obligation. One he tried to avoid. Most of the time it was actively uncomfortable. Occasionally it simply did not make him feel anything. What he had discovered only recently, was that with Wei Wuxian it was different. Holding Wei Wuxian like this made him feel at ease. It relaxed some ever present tension that he previously hadn't realized was there. Lan Wangji was filled with warmth. He gazed at Wei Wuxian's sleeping face and felt a desire to hold him even closer. Lan Wangji wasn't sure he had ever felt this happy before. He had actually managed to tell Wei Wuxian how he felt, and Wei Wuxian returned the affection. Lan Wangji was certain he had never experienced such vibrant joy. He only wished it was the only thing he was feeling. Wei Wuxian was peaceful now, but when he awoke who knew what he would be feeling. Yesterday had been filled with desperation and sorrow. Wei Wuxian seemed so self loathing.

'I have been slandered until my name became synonymous with the source of all evil and misfortune in the world. I am reduced to the most vile and despicable. A stain that taints everything it touches. I don't disagree anymore.'

'Wei Ying. Whose words were these? Who made you think of yourself this way?' Lan Wangji felt his heart break a little. Why did Wei Wuxian believe these things? To Lan Wangji it was abundantly clear how kind hearted and righteous Wei Wuxian was. When they were dealing with the waterborn abyss, Wei Wuxian did not hesitate to risk his life for someone else. He had nearly died in his attempt to rescue them. After the fact he credited Lan Wangji, since Lan Wangji pulled him out of the water. Wei Wuxian had no frustration or disdain for the person who he nearly died trying to rescue. Following the event he was once again his normal playful self. All he expressed was gratitude toward Lan Wangji for his help. To Lan Wangji it was abundantly clear that this was an act of selflessness. Wei Wuxian did what he thought was right. When it didn't go as planned he did not regret his decision. Why would anyone think he was evil?

Lan Wangji was then reminded of one thing which he knew would cause much outrage if it was widely known. The resentful energy that struck the healer that had tried touching Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian himself said that he became a demonic cultivator. It would be a lie to say that this didn't make Lan Wangji a bit nervous. Resentment was known to be harmful. GusuLan had several musical compositions that were specifically for the purpose of expelling resentment from the body.

'When you first saw me using demonic cultivation you asked me to come with you to Gusu. You asked me that many times. It seemed like every time we talked you were either telling me how dangerous demonic cultivation was or asking me to come back to Gusu with you. I thought you hated what I was doing. I thought you probably didn't even particularly like me. So you were probably asking me to come back to be punished, or so that you could force me to stop. To be fair you thought it was something I had simply chosen to do.'

Lan Wangji supposed he had probably been quite worried about Wei Wuxian at that time as well. Unfortunately it seemed his words had not communicated this to Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji was glad Wei Wuxian had mentioned that he had done this. If he hadn't, Lan Wangji would probably have said something similar this time. However, now he knew that these words had hurt Wei Wuxian. For Wei Wuxian they had been evidence of hatred. Now no matter how worried he was, Lan Wangji would make sure to find a different way to express it. It was clear that in the years Wei Wuxian had experienced Lan Wangji had made mistakes. How else could Wei Wuxian have arrived to the present with the desire to kill himself? How else could Wei Wuxian think Lan Wangji hated him enough to kill him? He didn't know why Wei Wuxian had learned demonic cultivation. From Wei Wuxian's words it seemed that whatever the reason was he hadn't disclosed it.