Backlash Part 1

Chapter 43: Empathy

Author note: Even though we are viewing Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji as children I am still going to use their courtesy names in the narration.  Mostly for consistency, and because Wen Qing is the observer who knows them at the age where they have courtesy names.

Wen Qing froze. 'A-Zhan? As in Lan Zhan? As in Lan Wangji?' Wen Qing looked closely at the two young boys. Now that she had an idea of who they were she suddenly could not believe she hadn't recognized them. This was Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji when they were just children. Wen Qing suddenly glanced around at her surroundings like it would come to life and attack her. This was not supposed to happen.

Something had gone wrong. Something had gone completely wrong, because as the subject of empathy not only should she not have awareness of the situation, but Lan Xichen's consciousness should be here observing her memories. Now her consciousness was here observing his memories. This was completely backwards. She had not put up any resistance to empathy. It was not like she would have suddenly pulled Lan Xichen's soul into her body instead, so what was happening? Wen Qing stopped herself immediately as she felt her anxiety climb.

'Calm down. A-Ying said the number one reason for something to go wrong is when the person performing it was not calm. I don't know if that also applies to me right now, but it will not hurt me to be calm.' Wen Qing slowly quelled her anxiety and suddenly other emotions began assaulting her. Pain. Sorrow. Wen Qing glanced at the scene of the two children in front of her.

"A-Zhan. Muqin is gone. We can not visit her anymore." Lan Xichen said softly. Lan Wangji did not answer him. Instead Lan Wangji continued to kneel and stare at the door. Lan Xichen felt like his heart was breaking all over again. He took the cloak in his arms and carefully draped it around his didi. This had been going on for six months so far. Every month on the day they would visit mother, his didi would wait outside her door. Wait for her to open the door. Wait for a door to open, that would never open again. A sound of footsteps made Lan Xichen's heart squeeze.

"A-Zhan. What are you doing out here again?" Lan Qiren's voice was filled with disapproval. Lan Wangji did not reply. He only continued to kneel and stare at the door of their mother's residence.

"A-Zhan." Lan Qiren's voice was beginning to grow irritated. Lan Xichen quickly stepped between the two of them and bowed to his uncle.

"Shufu, please don't be angry. A-Zhan doesn't understand." Lan Xichen's tone was pleading. Lan Qiren scowled.

"A-Huan. You are the future sect leader, and will have to assume those duties at a much younger age than most. You should learn now that you cannot show favouritism." Lan Qiren's tone was gentler, but still scolding. Lan Xichen's heart squeezed. How could he not show favouritism? This was his didi. As his ge he was supposed to take care of him and protect him. How could he fulfill his duties to his didi without showing favouritism? Lan Qiren rested his hand on Lan Xichen's head.

"A-Huan. As the future Sect Leader you must always be fair. If one does wrong they should accept their punishment, even if it is someone you care about. How would A-Zhan learn to be righteous if you shielded him from everything?" Lan Qiren asked. Lan Xichen glanced down at the ground.

'I... I don't know. I just don't want A-Zhan to be sad anymore. I want him to be happy again. I know he isn't supposed to come here anymore, and last time he got sick from kneeling out in the snow for the entire day. Is it favouritism to let him keep kneeling here if he wants to? I'm worried about him. I don't want him to keep going like this.'

Wen Qing scowled. Lan Xichen is a child at this time, of course he doesn't know the answers to such questions. Lan Qiren probably didn't know the answers to such questions. Wen Qing also knew she was biased. Lan Qiren was speaking to Lan Xichen about being a good sect leader. He seemed to be forgetting that Lan Xichen is a young child, who's didi is suffering. Wen Qing would rip the world apart to protect her didi, both Wei Wuxian and Wen Qionglin. She defined herself by the values she learned from her family, and her identity as a jie. No one could ask her to treat one of them like any other person, because they were not any other person. She was not an indifferent third party. She was a jie, to ask her to ignore that was like asking her to rip out her own heart.

Lan Xichen stood to the side as Lan Qiren explained to Lan Wangji that their mother was dead. That their mother would never come back and never open the door again. She was gone. She was not here. There was no one on the other side of the door. Lan Wangji raised his head ever so slightly to look at Lan Qiren.

"I will wait. Every month, I will kneel for Muqin. She promised to teach me how to paint." Lan Wangji's small quiet voice didn't seem to hold any one feeling. It was like the inflections had become muted. The fluctuations of tone had become so subtle that Lan Xichen felt scared. It was like his didi was moving far away and he couldn't hear or see him clearly. He couldn't tell how he was feeling.

This was the first time Lan Xichen remembered hearing Lan Qiren truly scold Lan Wangji. Lan Qiren's voice was filled with anger and frustration. Lan Xichen was so scared. He had never heard his uncle sound like this. Time felt so slow, and every word his uncle spoke made Lan Xichen feel like he was being struck. His Uncle wasn't yelling. His voice was not shouting, but Lan Xichen was so terrified of the anger and frustration being directed at his didi.

'W-What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to watch? Shufu said I have to be fair. Shufu has been running the sect all by himself. That's supposed to be my job because Fuqin hasn't come out, but I'm too little so Shufu does it all for me. Shufu has been taking care of us, he should know what the right thing to do is. Shufu is righteous and follows the rules. He wants to raise me to be a good sect leader and A-Zhan to be a righteous young man. So this must be what is right. So why does it hurt to hear him talking like this?'

Wen Qing's head was filled with Lan Xichen's confused thoughts. She felt his desire to protect Lan Wangji. Felt his heart break as he forced himself to not act on it. Felt the tears he was fighting back. The fear that his didi might be scared, or hurt, or sad. Felt the burning desire to do the right thing that was suffocated by the feeling that he didn't know how to tell what that was. Wen Qing would have thrown herself between the two and given Lan Qiren a piece of her mind, but Lan Xichen was paralyzed. A mountain of expectations related to fairness, leadership, and righteousness, and all of them tied back to the wall of rules that didn't always match these feelings in his chest.

It seemed like an eternity of suffering passed as Lan Qiren scolded Lan Wangji. Lan Qiren ordered Lan Wangji to leave over and over. Lan Wangji refused every time. Lan Qiren threatened Lan Wangji with what the punishment would be if Lan Wangji continued to disobey. Lan Wangji looked up at Lan Qiren with an expression devoid of emotion.

"I will accept punishment after I wait for Muqin." Lan Xichen felt his heart shatter at those words. Lan Qiren had never punished Lan Wangji for kneeling here before. This was the first time he had threatened it. Lan Xichen prayed his uncle would take it back, but Lan Qiren only looked at Lan Wangji. Lan Qiren's expression was filled with disappointment and pain.

"I will see you in the ancestral hall promptly at half past five tomorrow morning for your punishment." Lan Qiren said quietly before he turned and left. Lan Xichen tried to talk to his didi and ask if he was alright. He tried to comfort him. Tried to ask if there was something he wanted to eat that he could bring him. Lan Wangji did not say a single word for the rest of the day. Lan Xichen tried talking to his uncle the next morning about the punishment. He asked his uncle to reconsider. His uncle became upset by his repeated requests and told him he should remember his identity as the sect heir. The sect heir should uphold justice. Lan Wangji knew the punishment was the consequence. He continued the behaviour anyway and was accepting the consequences. Wishing to skirt the rules and reduce the agreed upon sentence was unbecoming of a sect heir who should uphold righteousness.

To Lan Xichen's horror his uncle went through with the punishment. He not only went through with the punishment, but scolded Lan Wangji. He scolded Lan Wangji again. He specifically scolded Lan Wangji for making Lan Xichen worry, and forcing Lan Xichen into a difficult position. Lan Xichen was the sect heir and would have many responsibilities and burdens. Lan Wangji, as his didi, should be supporting Lan Xichen, not making things harder for him. Lan Wangji bowed to Lan Xichen in apology, but said nothing.

Lan Wangji did not say a word that entire month. When the date arrived the next month. Lan Wangji knelt in front of their mother's house. Again Lan Qiren scolded him. Again Lan Qiren left with a look of disappointment and pain. Again Lan Wangji reported to the ancestral hall the next morning to receive punishment. Not a word was spoken by Lan Wangji. Not in apology, explanation, or acknowledgement. Lan Xichen felt like his heart was breaking every day. His mother was dead, and what was happening to his didi? His didi was still present, but it felt like he was disappearing.