Backlash Part 1

Chapter 168: No One is Safe

Wen Nuan does not want to be mean to her family. She is not distant and mistrustful because she doesn't like them. Her family is full of many wonderful people. Many wonderful people who keep leaving her. Wonderful people that she can remember feeling safe and happy with. Sometimes Wen Nuan is still happy with them, but she never feels safe.

Wen Nuan knows her family wants her to feel safe. They try to encourage her and coax her, but she does not trust their assurances of 'being there for her'. She has seen the looks they exchange when they think she isn't paying attention. She's pretty sure the looks mean that they are disappointed.

Her didi is happy to cling to and seek comfort from whoever is taking care of them. Her didi cries, and relaxes, and cuddles. Wen Nuan does not. She doesn't cry where her family can see. She doesn't go to them when she is upset. She doesn't cuddle into their arms. She does not feel safe.

First it was Gugu who came to take care of them.

Gugu cried a lot at night. Wen Nuan sometimes wondered if it was her fault. Wen Nuan missed her mother, and she wanted her mother back. She cried and screamed and demanded. Gugu said 'I know' and 'I'm sorry' a lot, but that didn't fix it. Her mother was still gone, and Wen Nuan didn't understand why.

Wen Nuan felt sad and angry all the time. The feelings were too big and she didn't know what to do with them. So Wen Nuan screamed and cried. She'd kick the walls, slam her fists against the floor, and she broke things. She was hurting and she needed that hurt to be somewhere outside of her body. Somewhere she could see it, and other people could see it. Maybe if she could see the hurt she could do something about it.

Then Gugu was gone too.

The soldiers came again and dragged Gugu away. The air smelled of smoke and was filled with screams. One of the soldiers had thrown Wen Nuan into the wall when she didn't get out of their way fast enough. Wen Nuan and Wen Yuan were alone again. The soldiers took people away. The next day everyone's faces were sad and hollow. There were a lot less people in their family than there used to be.

Wen Nuan and Wen Yuan were sent to live with their Shenshen.

Shenshen had a daughter of her own who was even younger than Wen Yuan, and was also taking care of two little cousins who had lost their parents as well. It was loud at Shenshen's house. Wen Nuan's little cousins had frequent tantrums, like the kind Wen Nuan used to throw at Gugu's house.

Wen Nuan missed Gugu. Wen Nuan had thrown lots of tantrums because she missed her mother. Gugu hadn't known what to do, but Gugu still took care of Wen Yuan and tried to calm Wen Nuan down. Wen Nuan watched Shenshen talk softly to her little cousins. Wen Nuan's heart ached as she listened to Shenshen whisper that it was okay to miss their parents. Soft whispers saying that it would hurt for a long time, but everything would be okay eventually.

Wen Nuan watched her little cousins cry in Shenshen's arms. Wen Nuan wondered what it would feel like to be told that when she was the one kicking and screaming. Wen Nuan thought it looked really nice. She considered letting her tears fall. She considered screaming and wailing. She wondered if Shenshen would tell her the same things and hold her close even if she kept screaming and hitting. Wen Nuan saw how tired Shenshen looked, and couldn't bring herself to make things harder for Shenshen.

Shenshen was really nice. Wen Nuan did her best not to make more work for her. She was the oldest, and Shenshen already had to take care of her own daughter, their little cousins, and Wen Yuan. So Wen Nuan tried not to ask for things. She tried to figure things out by herself. When Wen Nuan had a nightmare she muffled her cries so Shenshen wouldn't hear and have to get up.