Backlash Part 1

Chapter 91: Can't be how I used to

Lan Wangji had not so subtly informed Wei Wuxian that they could stay at the inn the entire day. Sneak into Lotus Pier to improve the barrier and slip back out like they were never there. Lan Wangji hadn't said it in so many words, but he was rather certain Wei Wuxian had understood his meaning. At least the surprised look and smug grin seemed to suggest as much when Wei Wuxian began to tease Lan Wangji about rules and manners.

Lan Wangji was aware that what he was suggesting was not appropriate behaviour. Of course sleeping in the same bed as his fiance was also not appropriate, but Lan Wangji was not going to stop doing that any time soon. Rules carved in stone had never felt so flimsy until months ago when bending them saved Wei Wuxian's life. It shook Lan Wangji's foundation and it was never as stable or certain as it was before. He was no longer certain there was any rule or appropriate behaviour that mattered more than Wei Wuxian's happiness.

'That is not true. I know nothing matters more to me than Wei Ying's happiness.' Lan Wangji acknowledged silently.

Unfortunately even Lan Wangji understood that it probably wasn't the best answer right now. He did reinforce that they always had the option to leave. Although Lan Wangji did not like it, he knew Wei Wuxian needed to talk to Jiang Wanyin. Not necessarily a long conversation, but enough to communicate that he was doing better right now. If Jiang Wanyin responded in his usual way, then most likely this would be the first time Wei Wuxian might be trying to set a limit or explain to Jiang Wanyin that their dynamic could not remain the same.

That was an important conversation and a difficult one. It was a conversation Wei Wuxian had been resistant to even attempting for a long time. Lan Wangji honestly didn't expect Wei Wuxian to even consider trying to have it during this visit. Of course Wei Wuxian hadn't actually told anyone at Lotus Pier that this was going to be a short visit. Wei Wuxian did not feel like he had the confidence to say that to anyone other than Jiang Yanli, and Lan Wangji suspected that she already knew.

"Idiot. Where were you?" Jiang Wanyin's voice was supposedly playful. That was what Wei Wuxian had called this tone before. Lan Wangji did not like it, but then again he also just generally did not like the person who was speaking.

Lan Wangji could see the quirk of a fake smile as Wei Wuxian reflexively began to respond with his usual mannerisms. Lan Wangji held his breath, preparing himself to drag Wei Wuxian away if this began to take an unhealthy turn. If Wei Wuxian was going to lie and soothe Jiang Wanyin at his own expense, then Lan Wangji was going to make sure this ended after no more than thirty seconds.

Wei Wuxian seemed to pause for a moment. The fake smile froze. Then it slipped back down to a smaller smile. Wei Wuxian took a deep breath to steady himself and seemed to have to physically hold himself back from slipping into his older patterns.

"I had a panic attack." Wei Wuxian said in a quiet voice. It was not strictly the truth. Lan Wangji was proud enough that Wei Wuxian was not just dismissing it like nothing happened. If it was easier to call it a panic attack then Lan Wangji had no issues with Wei Wuxian telling Jiang Wanyin that. It wasn't as though Lan Wangji thought it would be helpful to actually talk to Jiang Wanyin about Wei Wuxian's specific difficulties.

"From the dog? You've freaked out about dogs before, but I don't recall you running like that. You used to just hide behind me or A-Jie. Also that doesn't explain why you didn't come back. All A-Jie would tell me was that you were safe, but wouldn't be coming back last night." Jiang Wanyin protested unhappily. Wei Wuxian took another slow breath.

"It took a long time for me to calm down enough to feel safe coming back." Wei Wuxian said slowly with some hesitation. Jiang Wanyin stared at Wei Wuxian like he was speaking some strange arcane language.

"What is that supposed to mean?! Lotus Pier is your home! Are you saying you aren't safe here with me and A-Jie?!" Jiang Wanyin demanded angrily. Wei Wuxian flinched at the sharp accusing tone. Lan Wangji took Wei Wuxian into a loose embrace. Not too intimate, and not blocking Jiang Wanyin's view of Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji considered it excessively considerate.

"Now Lan Wangji is back to draping himself all over you! Do you never spend more than ten seconds apart? I had to wait right outside the door to even invite you to spend some time without your shadow! Then you took off after thirty minutes!" Jiang Wanyin's shouts were full of accusations and disrespect. Lan Wangji wasn't sure if he was more angry about Jiang Wanyin calling him by name, or the fact that Jiang Wanyin had admitted to deliberately ambushing Wei Wuxian when he was alone.

"Jiang Cheng. I..." Wei Wuxian was shaking slightly as he tried to gather the courage to explain himself properly.

"No! Enough! You cause a scene at Cloud Recesses! You don't speak to me for months! When you finally come back, late, you still won't act normal!" Jiang Wanyin screamed. "I can see what we are to you! Now that you have Lan Wangji you don't need us anymore! You can finally turn your back on us! Years together, training for the day I take over as sect leader! How many times did you talk about helping me?! Of course your words are all revealed to be crap! You have Lan Wangji now! Someday you'll find something better and abandon him too!"

"Jiang Cheng! It's not... I don't mean..." Wei Wuxian was beginning to panic, stumbling over his words trying to desperately explain.

"Shut up! I don't need you to placate me like a child! I should have gotten the hint in Cloud Recesses when you ignored me!" Jiang Wanyin spat. Suddenly Jiang Wanyin's mouth was sealed shut. His muffled shouts rendered unintelligible by his immobile lips. Jiang Wanyin's gaze turned accusingly towards Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji simply stared back at Jiang Wanyin with cold eyes. Jiang Wanyin was aware of the GusuLan sect's silencing spell. Lan Wangji didn't need to explain it, so he didn't bother.

"You cannot even listen. How could Wei Ying feel safe around you?" Lan Wangji said coldly. He turned his back on the YunmengJiang sect heir and put all his focus on the trembling man in his arms. "Wei Ying?" Lan Wangji questioned softly. His eyes desperately searched Wei Wuxian's face, trying to see how much he was hurting. Wei Wuxian took several deep breaths, then looked at Jiang Wanyin.

"I'm sorry Jiang Cheng. I can't be how I used to be. I can't always be the one who makes things better for you. There isn't enough of me." 'I can't even keep myself in tact, how can I possibly keep you together?' Wei Wuxian wondered.