Backlash Part 1

Chapter 178: Praise Against Raw Wounds

"A-Xian."

A warm hand wrapped around one of the hands Wei Wuxian had been using to fiddle with his tea cup. He blinked a few times, staring at his Shijie's hand like he didn't recognize it. Wei Wuxian tentatively raised his eyes to Jiang Yanli's face. She didn't seem angry or upset. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. Her soft warm smile and kind understanding gaze released something in his chest.

Wei Wuxian slumped back against Lan Wangji more fully. It was okay. He was okay. His Shijie wasn't angry. She wasn't scolding him that he shouldn't have done that. She wasn't telling him it was too dangerous, or saying he should have let the DafanWen's die. Some part of Wei Wuxian scoffed at the idea of Jiang Yanli suggesting such a thing, but Wei Wuxian knew the fear had been there even if it had been unlikely.

"I'm proud of you." Jiang Yanli said softly.

'Fuck.' Wei Wuxian was not prepared for that. Those warm gentle words broke him and tears welled in his eyes. Wei Wuxian was completely incapable of stopping the tears from spilling down his cheeks.

Over and over he had been told he was wrong. His decisions, his opinions, were somewhere between incorrect and blasphemous. He was evil. He was arrogant. He was unreasonable. Over and over Wei Wuxian was told he should have let the DafanWen's die. That they deserved what they got. The Wen's showed no mercy during the war. Why should the sects show them any mercy afterwards?

Wei Wuxian remembered walking Jiang Wanyin through the settlement. He remembered Jiang Wanyin shouting at him and telling him he should turn the DafanWen's over to the Jin's. They both knew that meant turning them over to their deaths. Wei Wuxian couldn't reconcile handing over innocent people to their deaths with the notion that this was supposed to be the right thing to do? How could that be the right thing to do? How was that supposed to be the correct answer?

Yet it seemed all Wei Wuxian ever heard was that he was wrong and evil. He shouldn't have used the Yin Hufu in the war even though they were struggling. He shouldn't have used demonic cultivation even though it won them the war. It seemed like he was constantly being told that he shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have done anything. Over and over he was wrong, wrong, wrong.

"Wei Ying is safe. Wei Ying did the right thing. Wei Ying protected the weak. Wei Ying is brave and kind."

Wei Wuxian heard the soft mumbled words as they were whispered into his ear. Lan Wangji seemed to be repeating them over and over on a cycle. Wei Wuxian wondered absently how long Lan Wangji had been speaking to him. Lan Wangji had apparently taken the time to turn Wei Wuxian in his lap and guide Wei Wuxian's head to rest on Lan Wangji's shoulder. Or maybe Wei Wuxian had done that himself? His hands were gripping Lan Wangji's robes and Wei Wuxian certainly didn't remember doing that.

"A-Xian." Jiang Yanli's soft voice was much closer than it had been before.

Wei Wuxian forced himself to look away from the white robes in his grip. He found Jiang Yanli kneeling in front of him, at Lan Wangji's side. She had apparently come around the table and was now watching him with a calm, gentle, expression. She held her hands out to him and waited. Slowly Wei Wuxian released Lan Wangji's robes. Lan Wangji was still holding him. It made it easier for him to let go and take Jiang Yanli's hands when he knew Lan Wangji was still holding on.

"A-Xian is so good." Jiang Yanli said gently.

Wei Wuxian felt his throat tighten. He wanted to be someone who was good and did the right thing. It was important to him. It always has been. Wei Wuxian used to be confident in his ability to determine right from wrong. He didn't care so much about the small petty things like staying up past curfew, or sneaking out for late night snacks, or going swimming instead of studying. It was things like saying something when he saw someone treated unfairly. Helping others, and defending the weak.

Wei Wuxian used to be confident that he knew what the right thing to do was. That confidence had been shattered by his first life, and it left him uncertain and uncomfortable now. He strove to do what he thought was right, but he was no longer so confident that his actions were actually correct. It meant something to be told that he was good. To be told he had done the right thing. To be told by two people who he held in high regard, that he wasn't evil, that he was good. It meant so much to him to hear that, even as it rubbed against the still raw wounds of countless accusations.

"Is there something Lan Wangji or I could do to help you when you use the Yin Hufu?" Jiang Yanli inquired gently.

'Oh...' Wei Wuxian's mind momentarily blanked in response to Jiang Yanli's words. It still felt strange to be offered support in a way that didn't make him feel like he had failed at something. There was no judgment in Jiang Yanli's tone. Just a gentle inquiry about if she could be of assistance next time. There were no anxious words trying to tell Wei Wuxian not to use the Yin Hufu, or his demonic cultivation.

Wei Wuxian gave himself a few minutes to calm down and allow the strange feeling of acceptance to try and settle inside of him. Some days it was easier than others. Today was definitely one of those days when it was hard to accept praise and the acceptance of others. He took a few stabilizing breaths to collect himself.

He hadn't thought too much about how others could help. Mostly because he still sort of expected to be judged harshly for using the Yin Hufu. Asking for help felt like it would only be met with screams and shouts about how he shouldn't use the Yin Hufu at all. If Wei Wuxian knew another way to win the war he'd gladly not touch the Yin Hufu, but he didn't. He didn't know another way and, even though Wen Qing's jinbu had not signalled that she was in danger, Wen Qing was missing.

Wei Wuxian had been trying very hard not to think about that. She had apparently told Wen Qionglin she planned to travel a different way before coming to Dafan. She had planned to act as a diversion in order to protect their village from immediate suspicion. The plan was for her to then secretly make her way to Dafan herself. She wasn't in Dafan yet and something inside Wei Wuxian told him it was unlikely she was going to make it to Dafan on her own.

It was possibly paranoia on Wei Wuxian's part to assume Wen Qing was going to be in danger. However, he has lived through one version of these years and she was in danger multiple times eventually leading to her death. It was maybe not paranoia when Wei Wuxian took that into consideration. Wei Wuxian chewed on his bottom lip lightly.

"I have a rule about how I use the Yin Hufu."