Backlash Part 1

Chapter 187: Guilt and Consequences

During the war, Lan Xichen rarely thought about the consequences of performing empathy. He thought about that last year of guest disciples before the war. He thought about how, when that year started, Lan Xichen's greatest fear had been that his didi would grow increasingly isolated. Lan Xichen had been worrying over Lan Wangji's solitude.

Some of the space between Lan Wangji and his peers was natural. Lan Xichen experienced a measure of it, being the sect heir. Especially since it was well known that Lan Xichen would be taking on the duties of sect leader, if not the title, much younger than was usual. Not so unusual anymore perhaps. Something sad and ironic twisted in his chest when Lan Xichen thought about how many other sect leaders were now his age or younger.

Still, in that world that didn't know the Sunshot Campaign, Lan Xichen's station created a certain distance between him and most of his peers. It was lonely. Always having to keep in mind his station to uphold his sect's honour. Always watching others keep in mind his station whenever they spoke with him. There was always an extra formality when Lan Xichen interacted with his peers. Beyond what those peers showed to one another.

Lan Xichen did his best to smooth that tense awkward space with gentle smiles and kind words. He was rewarded with the occasional loosening in the posture of those around him. Relaxing a little when they realized he wasn't as strict or as demanding as they might have expected. It didn't remove the space, but it made Lan Xichen feel like the space was a little bit warmer.

His didi did not have the words, or the range of expression to do that. The space around Lan Wangji was like the snowy courtyard Lan Wangji knelt in as a child. A place that was meant to be full of warmth and affection. A place that had been left desolate. A place that no one wanted to approach. Either because it was too painful, too unwelcoming, or simply too difficult to understand.

Even with his position and the space between him and his peers, Lan Xichen had managed to have a few precious friends. It was rare that Lan Xichen had someone disregard the space his station created. A few friends were less wary of the space, but for most of Lan Xichen's life only Nie Mingjue had been able to disregard it entirely.

Lan Wangji never had someone like that. The space between him and his peers remained too daunting for them to dare approach. Lan Wangji responded to Lan Xichen's encouragement and concerns the same every time. He had 'Xiongzhang.' He had Shufu. Lan Wangji insisted that was enough. Lan Xichen's heart ached.

Lan Xichen was all too aware of how his increasing duties were going to take him away from his didi's side more and more often. Lan Wangji had not been able to form any friendships within their own sect, and on the few times he met with disciples of other sects the results had been similar. That year's guest lectures would contain many guest disciples that were Lan Wangji's age. In many ways it had felt like Lan Wangji's best chance to finally make a friend. Lan Xichen had even tried suggesting that Lan Wangji should attend the lectures just to attend. Not while also being in charge of discipline for the guest disciples.

Lan Xichen had not been successful in that conversation. Shufu didn't understand Lan Xichen's suggestion. Lan Wangji doomed that conversation when he insisted there was 'no need.' Lan Xichen had been ecstatic when Wei Wuxian blundered across the space that separated Lan Wangji from his peers. Like it wasn't even there, Wei Wuxian teased, poked prodded, and pursued Lan Wangji's friendship. Even when Lan Wangji himself did not know what to do with such a thing.

That had been it. Lan Xichen's biggest concern, and he had been so thrilled that by the end of the guest lectures Lan Wangji might have a true friendship. Then there was the suicide attempt. Then there was the hollow pain in Wei Wuxian's eyes, and the clear declaration that Lan Wangji wanted more than friendship with Wei Wuxian.