Backlash Part 1

Chapter 18: The Hanshi

Lan Xichen had fully intended to immediately check on Wei Wuxian. He had only planned to stay in the Hanshi long enough to settle himself after the conversation with his uncle. Settle himself, and perhaps think of some more things to do or say should this last conversation prove insufficient.

'That conversation was certainly insufficient. At best you have protected Wei-gongzi for his current stay. How does that solve future problems should he and Wangji decide to elevate their relationship?' Lan Xichen felt dejected.

In his mind the uncle who raised him had been a bit overly strict, but with good intentions. When his uncle did something Lan Xichen considered extreme, he still believed it came from a place of care and concern. This foundational belief seemed to be eroding beneath Lan Xichen's feet. Lan Xichen felt a deep sense of unease. It felt like everything he might have been certain about was suddenly becoming questionable. He steadied his breathing and tried to recenter himself, but Lan Xichen found it very difficult to find his normal calm.

He felt disturbed and unsettled. No matter how much he tried to set the issue aside his mind circled back to the behavior of his uncle. It circled back to the overreactions. It circled back to the judgemental tone. It circled back to the way he dismissively spoke of Wei Wuxian's suicide attempt. And then it drew him back to being a young child understanding that his mother had taken her life. A cold sour feeling rose in Lan Xichen's stomach. Had his uncle ever spoken of Lan Xichen's mother like that? Had such ideas and words been used to dismiss any concerns about his mother? Was his mother dead because of similar words?

Lan Xichen finally gave up on achieving calm before leaving the Hanshi. By now he did not know how many hours he had spent trying to calm down. Trying and failing. His mind only continuing to spin with one disturbed thought after another. Since calming down was not an option he could only do his best to fein calmness. He would just have to work through issues as they presented themselves. He was not going to become calm with some quiet time to himself as he usually would. Clearly being alone with his thoughts was not doing him any favors right now.

With this in mind Lan Xichen left the Hanshi with every intention of going immediately to the infirmary. Lan Xichen had not gotten very far when sounds of sour laughter suddenly drew his gaze toward one of the pavilions. A figure was slowly climbing to their knees and bowing low to several standing figures. On a normal day Lan Xichen would have maybe been concerned and calmly gone to inquire over what had happened. Today was not a normal day. Today Lan Xichen was filled with guilt and regret over his previous inactions. Today he was filled with anxiety over innocents dying because of willful ignorance.

These restless anxious feelings had Lan Xichen's feet carrying him toward the pavilion before he had made any conscious decision. It was only once he arrived that he recognized the figure who had just straightened to a standing position.

'Meng-gongzi. He came with Nei-gongzi. I thought he had returned already.' Lan Xichen now felt another spike of shame to add to the growing swirl of negative emotions. He did not even know what guests were here. How could he protect those he was responsible for if he didn't even know who they were? Lan Xichen internally cursed his negligence.

Once Meng Yao saw Lan Xichen approach he immediately bowed low and did not straighten. In Lan Xichen's current state, he could not bear such a show of deference. Almost without thinking he reached out to gently take hold of Meng Yao's arm. He pulled Megn Yao up towards a standing position. The sound of malicious laughter was still trailing behind the receding backs of the three guest disciples.

"Meng-gongzi, please wait a moment." Lan Xichen said before he continued after the three who had just walked away. When Lan Xichen caught up with them he did not even ask what had happened. At the minimum they had laughed at someone who had fallen. At worst they may have caused the incident. Lan Xichen had always been perfectly calm and perfectly polite. He addressed everyone with kindness and never raised his voice in anger. Yet, right now that person felt far away. Lan Xichen not only didn't feel calm. He also felt like maybe that always calm, always kind, version of him was culpable to crimes unknown. Was he always kind and patient to the people who did wrong like his uncle had? In doing so he allowed their behavior to continue. Was he being kind when he allowed his uncle to bully Wei Wuxian, a boy who tried to kill himself yesterday?