Backlash Part 1

Chapter 7: The Infirmary

'Wei Ying is precious. Protect Wei Ying, always.' Lan Wangji's words repeated in Wei Wuxian's head as though on a loop. Wei Wuxian suddenly felt numb. He repeated the words, but his mind seemed unable to accept them.

'Lan Zhan is too good. He shouldn't say things like that to me. He doesn't know what's coming. He doesn't know what I've done.' Wei Wuxian suddenly felt like he needed to move away from Lan Wangji.

'I can't let him be close to me. What if he starts to hate me like Jiang Cheng? What if he dies like everyone else?' Wei Wuxian felt tears pressing at his eyes as the intense desire to push Lan Wangji away rose in his stomach. 'Better for him to understand now what kind of person I am. Better for him to leave me now. Better to get it over with.' Wei Wuxian felt a deep sorrow stabbing him as he thought about Lan Wangji leaving. He didn't want to see Lan Wangji slowly grow to hate him, like Jiang Wanyin.

"L-Lan Zhan. I already lived through the next handful of years already. I have lived through a war. I've seen the bodies at LotusPier piled high and burned. Massacred because of me. I have used demonic cultivation to slaughter the Wen soldiers. Then animated their corpses to continue to fight our enemies. I have seen civilians slaughtered to slack the thirst for vengeance of so called righteous cultivators. I saw my Shijie take a blade for me. I left Jiang Cheng with no family except an orphaned infant nephew. Orphaned by my hands. I have watched everyone I try to protect die one after another. I have been slandered until my name became synonymous with the source of all evil and misfortune in the world. I am reduced to the most vile and despicable. A stain that taints everything it touches. I don't disagree anymore." Wei Wuxian's voice sounded empty. He felt there was nothing left of him. He had given everything he had and it did nothing but bring suffering. He thought things would be better if he just went away. He had forgotten how much he had contributed in the war. While his methods were considered morbid and horrifying, there was no doubt they had made a difference. So he couldn't die yet, but he could go hide himself somewhere. When the war starts he could appear and kill enemies. Then just be gone. It might turn out better that way.

"Wei Ying is good." Lan Wangji's voice was thick with emotion, but steady. Wei Wuxian felt almost like he had been slapped.

'What did Lan Zhan just say?' Wei Wuxian rolled his head slightly on Lan Wangji's shoulder so he could see his face. Lan Wangji wasn't loosening his embrace at all, but Wei Wuxian was able to see Lan Wangji's cheek. It was streaked with tears that Lan Wangji had begun to release silently.

'Lan Zhan is crying? He's supposed to be leaving. Pushing me away and looking at me with disgust. Like how his Uncle looks at me. Funny I never noticed his Uncle has always given me the same look. Even when everyone else liked me I guess his Uncle always knew I'd destroy everything I touch.' Wei Wuxian's thoughts were disrupted as Lan Wangji continued to speak.

"Wei Ying always puts others first. Always tries to protect. Always accepts the blame. Wei Ying is precious to me. So I will protect and stay with Wei Ying, always." Wei Wuxian could feel the dampness of tears on his cheeks as they trailed down Lan Wangji's neck.

"Don't you hate me?" Wei Wuxian protested weakly in his confusion. Lan Wangji felt like he had been gutted..

'Wei Ying, you think I hate you?' Lan Wangji wished to go to every instance he pushed Wei Wuxian away and strike himself. He had been scared to get close to Wei Wuxian. He had been scared to allow himself that proximity. He had been too afraid to acknowledge how he felt and terrified to let Wei Wuxian know those feelings. Besides all the fear and confusion about how he felt, there was also the deep fear that Wei Wuxian might reject him if he knew. What did any of those fears matter if Wei Wuxian died thinking that Lan Wangji hated him? Lan Wangji couldn't bear to think about it any longer. Tears were still sliding down his cheeks. He turned his head and planted a soft kiss on Wei Wuxian's forehead.