Backlash Part 1

Chapter 84: Uncomfortable Concern

Sitting with Jiang Fengmian and discussing the disciples was like sitting at a table with a ghost, except it felt weirder than that. Wei Wuxian had communicated with countless spirits in varying levels of lucidity thanks to his demonic cultivation. None of it felt as weird as talking with Jiang Fengmian. Maybe it was seeing Jiang Fengmian alive after seeing his corpse? Maybe it was discussing these mundane things when Wei Wuxian knew they wouldn't matter in a few months? Maybe it was the guilt Wei Wuxian felt about Jiang Fengmian's death that made it weird? Maybe it was all of those things, Wei Wuxian wasn't sure.

All Wei Wuxian knew was that it didn't feel the same way it used to. It wasn't comfortable and easy. Wei Wuxian could have sworn there was something different in the way Jiang Fengmian was looking at him, and something odd in the way he talked to him. Wei Wuxian couldn't clearly say what it was that seemed off though, and since all of Lotus Pier felt off to Wei Wuxian it was possible the only thing that had changed was Wei Wuxian's perceptions of their interactions.

The discussion about the competition didn't take long, but then Jiang Fengmian asked Wei Wuxian to stay and talk. Wei Wuxian tried to keep the dread off of his face. He didn't want to talk, at least not with Jiang Fengmian about anything related to his changes in behaviour. Wei Wuxian already had a list in his mind of who he felt safe talking to, and who he wanted to push himself to start talking to more. Jiang Fengmian was not on either list right now and Wei Wuxian could not bear to add him there until they made it through the attack on Lotus Pier.

"We haven't had a chance to talk much since your betrothal. Are you happy with it?" Jiang Fengmian inquired. Wei Wuxian was stunned.

'Jiang-shushu wants to ask if I am happy with Lan Zhan? This is what he wants to talk to me about?' Wei Wuxian was stunned speechless because he thought he had been rather obvious about how he felt about it. Anyone in Lotus Pier could describe the way Wei Wuxian was always hanging off of Lan Wangji. Not to mention the amount of kissing they had done in public. Though Wei Wuxian was simultaneously amused and miffed that so many of those kisses were done purely to chase Jiang Wanyin away.

"Very happy. Lan Zhan is really sweet. I like him a lot." Wei Wuxian said with an easy smile. Wei Wuxian knew saying 'like' was a massive understatement, but he wasn't certain Jiang Fengmian was ready to hear declarations of love. So Wei Wuxian decided to try and keep things light, even though Wei Wuxian's feelings were anything but light. Jiang Fengmian nodded along, humming his understanding.

"I'm glad you are getting along. I'd heard a few things that I was a little worried about." Jiang Fengmian replied. Wei Wuxian's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Lan Zhan's literally perfect, what could possibly be worrying you?" Wei Wuxian asked.

'Lan Zhan is basically a god. He's gorgeous, affectionate, protective... He's incredibly kind, an amazing cultivator, and is actually in love with me. Seriously, what in that sounds worrying?' Wei Wuxian questioned silently.

"I had heard he wasn't letting you interact with the disciples in the way you used to." Jiang Fengmian said, looking at Wei Wuxian with concern. Wei Wuxian wanted to kick himself. This was exactly the sort of thing he had been worrying about when Lan Wangji was stepping in to help him get out of situations he wasn't comfortable with. Wei Wuxian was worried Lan Wangji would end up damaging his reputation for the sake of sparing Wei Wuxian's feelings, and that was exactly what seemed to be happening. Wei Wuxian did his best to smile.

"Actually Jiang-shushu, Lan Zhan does that for me." Wei Wuxian felt so uncomfortable talking about this, but he couldn't bear to have Jiang Fengmian thinking badly of Lan Wangji. "I don't really feel as comfortable with having a lot of people touching me. I just didn't want to say anything and upset anyone. So Lan Zhan has been getting in the way of people touching me so that I won't feel pressured." Wei Wuxian did his best to explain even though this was exactly the sort of stuff he did not want to talk about.

"I see. As long as you're happy that's good. It was rather worrying to hear about that. Especially since the relationship and betrothal are so new, and things were rather stressful when it started. I don't want you to feel pressured or rushed in this. You've had a lot on your mind and relationships are a great deal of stress on their own." Jiang Fengmian said, placing a hand on Wei Wuxian's shoulder.

Wei Wuxian subtly bit the inside of his lip as he forced his expression to remain unchanged. Wei Wuxian used to find such gestures reassuring, but right now it was uncomfortable. Wei Wuxian felt like an ungrateful brat. Jiang Fengmian was here trying to offer support and concern, but instead of feeling cared for Wei Wuxian felt... Wei Wuxian wasn't exactly sure what this feeling was, but it wasn't a good feeling.

Wei Wuxian had never felt pressured into having this relationship. On the contrary Wei Wuxian sort of felt like he was being pressured into reconsidering the betrothal, and that bothered him. He also found all this talk about relationships being stressful was making him wonder. Wei Wuxian felt like this relationship had relieved far more stress than it had added, if it had added any at all. Was it the same for Lan Wangji? Or perhaps Lan Wangji was very stressed by the relationship. It was not the first time Wei Wuxian had worried he was too much of a burden, although Lan Wangji had been quick to dismiss such thoughts when Wei Wuxian voiced them.

"Don't push yourself. You're young and marriage is a big decision. Marrying Lan Wangji would mean leaving Lotus Pier. A-Cheng and A-Li would miss you." Jiang Fengmian said, ruffling Wei Wuxian's hair. Wei Wuxian had to force a smile. What Jiang Fengmian said just then really hurt. It poked and stirred the heavy guilt that sat in Wei Wuxian's heart, bringing it to the forefront of his mind. Not the place Wei Wuxian wanted it to be.

"It's definitely not a decision I would make lightly." Wei Wuxian assured, doing his best to sound like his old cheerful self. Wei Wuxian was relieved the conversation ended there and he was able to leave to go find Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian was feeling down now and the conversation had given rise to some doubts that he wanted to talk to Lan Wangji about right away. Wei Wuxian was pretty sure he had talked to Lan Wangji about them before, but with them freshly circling his mind Wei Wuxian was having a hard time remembering.

Whether they were new or repeats of previously buried concerns, Wei Wuxian knew the best course of action was to talk to Lan Wangji as soon as possible. Letting these sorts of thoughts fester never did anything good. Right now they were still quiet. A short conversation with Lan Wangji would be enough to put them at ease and work out anything that might need to be addressed because of them. It was important to Wei Wuxian that this relationship be fair. He wanted to make sure Lan Wangji was happy and receiving the support he needed from this relationship too. So talking with Lan Wangji was the best course of action when he was starting to feel anxious about these things.