Wei Wuxian had spent a lot of time trying to think of a way to properly describe the feeling of controlling resentful energy. Trying to come up with a description that fully captured it seemed to be more impossible than controlling it. He could explain pieces of it. Small snatches of what the experience was like. In small amounts it was a flash of cold, a whisper of voices, and a small flare of emotion as Wei Wuxian exerted his will.
With larger amounts it was a different game altogether. Wei Wuxian imagined commanding a large amount of resentful energy was a bit like controlling flood waters. A fast moving river of energy uncaringly ripping apart everything in its path. To control it was something rough and desperate. Convincing it to go a certain direction by throwing up walls to stop it from going one way. Carving into the ground to encourage it to go another.
Wei Wuxian felt the urge to shake his head. Maybe this was a bad analogy. The more he thought about it the more he felt like it didn't really describe the experience at all. The force of emotions laced in the energy. How strongly you had to make yourself feel in order to ensure that you were controlling the resentful energy instead of it controlling you.
Chenqing was a focus. Wei Wuxian could direct much of his attention to Chenqing. He could play and use the music to help direct his emotions. Making it easier to control his emotions, control the energy, and not become lost in the swirl of voices and feelings that laced the energy he was using.
The Yin Hufu changed things even more dramatically. The Yin Hufu was not a focus. It was... A well? A spring? The Yin Hufu was suffused with resentful energy. It was hungry for it, always drawing in more. Wei Wuxian didn't need to do anything to gather resentful energy. The Yin Hufu did it itself. Wei Wuxian only needed to direct the energy.
It was simple in a way. The Yin Hufu could store and exert amounts of resentful energy that Wei Wuxian could not even have attempted to move on his own. Wei Wuxian had no idea what the upper limit on the Yin Hufu was. Wei Wuxian had never used it to its full capacity, and he was pretty sure that his mind would be lost before he could reach it if he ever tried.
If controlling a large amount of resentful energy with Chenqing was like trying to direct a flooding river, then using the Yin Hufu was like having a tsunami pour through your entire being. It was like the entire ocean crashed through you in one giant wave. Filled with shards of ice slicing and tearing through your body. Made out of cold and screams and so much emotion. Anger. Hatred. Misery. Rage. Terror. Pain.
'So. Much. PAIN.' It wasn't a matter of trying to block the foreign emotions out while enduring the physical energy of all that resentful energy flowing through him. The feelings were inside of him. They were in him. They hollowed him out until Wei Wuxian could not remember what he had felt before. He felt everything that suffused the resentful energy, like he was nothing but a vessel for it.
The resentful energy was angry.
Wei Wuxian was angry.
It wanted to kill.
Wei Wuxian wanted to kill.
Wei Wuxian commanded it to kill the QishanWen sect cultivators.
The cultivators were dead.
The resentful energy was still angry. Wei Wuxian was still angry. It wanted to vent. It wanted to release all of that rage and hatred and terror. Wei Wuxian wanted to release all of the rage and hatred and terror.
Vaguely, Wei Wuxian remembered wanting to only attack the QishanWen sect cultivators. Like a fading dream, Wei Wuxian remembered an indistinct desire to not hurt anyone else. Why had he been concerned about that? Why did he care who was hurt when he was so angry? Why did he care who was hurt when he was in so much pain?
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Backlash Part 1
FanfictionAt the moment of his death, Wei Wuxian is sent back in time. He wakes up in the Cold Spring of Cloud Recesses during the time when he was there to study. Traumatized and exhausted Wei Wuxian attempts to end his life, only to be stopped by Lan Wang...
