Backlash Part 1

Chapter 88: What is Home?

Wei Wuxian sighed heavily as he pushed the brush back and forth on the table. He and Lan Wangji were still at the inn. Once Wei Wuxian had calmed down they ate. Following that they had talked for a bit until the exhaustion from such an eventful day caught up with Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji had not wanted to go back to Lotus Pier yet and Wei Wuxian was too tired to know if he even disagreed. Wei Wuxian had climbed into bed and immediately curled into his favourite position. The one where he was mostly on top of Lan Wangji. After nuzzling Lan Wangji's chest Wei Wuxian fell asleep just as Lan Wangji wrapped his arms around him.

That was back when Wei Wuxian had fallen asleep. He was awake now, and could guess it was some obscene hour of the night based on how high the moon was and how deathly silent the streets were. Wei Wuxian had things he wanted to think about. Things that he needed to turn over in his head, and sadly it wasn't a topic he enjoyed thinking about.

This afternoon Wei Wuxian had made a mistake. He knew that his conversation with Jiang Fengmian had unsettled him. Wei Wuxian was sure that Jiang Fengmian had meant well... Wei Wuxian sighed. Wei Wuxian was mostly sure that Jiang Fengmian had meant well. That was hard to acknowledge. The fact that he wasn't completely confident in Jiang Fengmian's intentions. Wei Wuxian rested his head on the table with a dejected sigh. Doubting Jiang Fengmian's intentions made Wei Wuxian feel so guilty.

Wei Wuxian took two slow breaths to calm himself down. Wen Qing always told him that a person's intentions doesn't change how their behaviour makes you feel. How could he be unhappy with Jiang Fengmian? Jiang Fengmian had saved his life, and Wei Wuxian had caused his death. Wei Wuxian bit his lip. Wen Qing and Lan Wangji both said it wasn't his fault, but letting go of that responsibility seemed impossible. Wei Wuxian took another slow deep breath.

Regardless of that mess, the conversation had bothered Wei Wuxian. He knew it. It made him anxious and unsettled. It raised a lot of doubts in his mind. He knew this, which is why he planned to immediately go to talk with Lan Wangji. Except Wei Wuxian didn't immediately go talk with Lan Wangji.

Jiang Wanyin had been waiting for Wei Wuxian to get out of the meeting. Wei Wuxian had seen the slightly awkward and nervous look in Jiang Wanyin's eyes when he asked Wei Wuxian to go into town with him. Wei Wuxian had still tried to say no at first. Except how could he say no? Jiang Wanyin was right about how they hadn't really talked in months.

Wei Wuxian had sort of been avoiding Jiang Wanyin. Not like he was actually trying to avoid him, but if Lan Wangji was going to stand in the way to prevent more uncomfortable conversations Wei Wuxian wasn't going to make much of a fuss. Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin had talked, mostly acting as if nothing had happened other than the frequent remarks about Wei Wuxian betrothal. Wei Wuxian knew that Jiang Wanyin didn't like the idea of Wei Wuxian leaving. Jiang Wanyin didn't hate him yet. This Jiang Wanyin still wanted Wei Wuxian around. This Jiang Wanyin wanted to be the Twin Pride of Yunmeng.

Wei Wuxian looked back at the time he had promised Jiang Wanyin that they would be like that forever. How Jiang Wanyin would be the sect leader, and he would be Jiang Wanyin's subordinate. It was something that hadn't happened yet, but for Wei Wuxian it was a promise he made years ago. A promise that he now looked back on thinking he had been very young and foolish at the time.

It was the first time Wei Wuxian thought of himself in his teens and felt like he was young. He was sort of in his teens now, and even if you looked at his age from an standpoint of experience he was still in his early twenties. He was in his twenties when he died. Twenty two? Twenty three? Wei Wuxian didn't have much reason to keep track but it was somewhere around there. There wasn't that much difference between seventeen and twenty two.

Wei Wuxian sighed as he lay his head on the table. He was getting off track. Probably because trying to sort through his relationships with the Jiangs was about as easy as seeing through mud. There was a mountain of guilt and expectations piled onto Wei Wuxian like boulders. He simultaneously felt like they belonged there and wondered if they didn't.

Jiang Fengmian rescued him from the streets and brought him to Lotus Pier. He probably saved Wei Wuxian's life. So Wei Wuxian felt it was reasonable to say that he owed him. Wei Wuxian was given a home and a family. Except he wasn't entirely sure about that part. He was given a residence. Wei Wuxian felt confident in saying that much. What made something a home instead of a residence? Wei Wuxian's gaze travelled to the sleeping figure of Lan Wangji.

'Home should feel safe. Somewhere you can retreat to. Somewhere you can feel comfortable, like you belong.' Wei Wuxian thought to himself. Of course with that definition came the disappointing realization that Lotus Pier was never his home. True, Wei Wuxian had felt safer in Lotus Pier than he had on the streets, but there had been an almost constant underlying fear when he lived there. The fear that he would be abandoned.

Wei Wuxian lived in constant fear that one day he would be driven away. Either because he wasn't good enough, or took too much attention away from Jiang Wanyin, or angered Madam Yu too much. When he first arrived he had been terrified of eating too much food, using too much bath water, needing his clothes washed too frequently, wasting too much money on medicine for illnesses or injuries. Some of those anxieties faded over time, but most of them never left him.

Funny enough no one seemed to notice these anxieties except for Jiang Yanli. She had tried to ease some of them, but she was a child herself. Shijie had no power in Lotus Pier. She wasn't the person who would decide if he could stay. That would be Jiang Fengmian and Madam Yu. Wei Wuxian was quite certain Madam Yu had always wanted him gone. Every time there was an argument between Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian Wei Wuxian would always come up. Besides feeling guilty these arguments also terrified Wei Wuxian. It felt like one of these days Jiang Fengmian would finally see that Wei Wuxian was too much work to keep, and then Wei Wuxian would be sent away.

So Wei Wuxian felt he could now say he was not given a home, but a residence is still a gift. Even if Wei Wuxian had wanted a home and family, just having a roof over his head and food to regularly eat was a blessing. He'd also gotten the privilege of education and learning how to cultivate. Wei Wuxian hesitated. Didn't all disciples get an education and the chance to cultivate? Did Wei Wuxian think they owed something to the YunmengJiang sect? Well yes they owed something, but did they owe what Wei Wuxian felt like he owed? No, but they also weren't rescued from the street and treated like family to the Jiang Clan.

'Was I family?' The question startled Wei Wuxian so badly that he jumped. His knee bumped into the table sending the brush clattering to the floor. Wei Wuxian wanted to curse his clumsiness.

'This isn't the time to be loud! What if I wake Lan Zhan?' Wei Wuxian scolded himself.

"Wei Ying!?" Lan Wangji was out of bed and pulling Wei Wuxian against him just as Wei Wuxian barely finished the thought. Wei Wuxian blinked up, more surprised than he really should be. Lan Wangji's eyes were still slightly unfocused from sleep. He was searching the room, as if for an attacker, while pulling Wei Wuxian protectively against his chest.