Backlash Part 1

Chapter 23: The River

After the discussion with Lan Xichen was over, Jiang Yanli went to find Jiang Wanyin. As she had been leaving Lan Xichen requested she inform Jiang Wanyin about Wei Wuxian moving from the infirmary and their parents visiting. She had agreed. Of course she had agreed. True Jiang Wanyin had not been speaking with her for the last few days, but no one needed to be burdened with that. Lan Xichen would probably have offered to take care of it, but she still had the best chance of getting through to her didi. She found Jiang Wanyin just after he finished his meal. Jiang Yanli walked quickly to catch up with him.

"A-Cheng." She called to get his attention. Jiang Wanyin paused in his step. He waited for her to make it to him. He wore a light scowl, his gaze curious but hesitant. It hurt Jiang Yanli's heart. He used to be excited anytime he saw her, but it seemed he was still upset from the last time they spoke. She had been giving him space to try and work through things himself. She understood that everything was stressful right now.

"A-Jie?" Jiang Wanyin inquired when she reached him. His voice did not sound as warm as it used to when he called her.

"Could we talk?" Jiang Yanli asked. She tried to not sound as nervous as she really was. Jiang Wanyin frowned slightly. Jiang Yanli was worried he would refuse, but eventually he nodded. She let him lead the way to a spot of his choosing. He stopped beside a river. There was no one around and their view was mostly filled with trees. Privacy was probably for the best. Jiang Wanyin had probably been embarrassed by all the outbursts he had had around others recently.

"What did you want to talk about?" Jiang Wanyin asked. He wasn't looking at her as he asked. Instead staring across the river.

"A-Die and A-Niang will be visiting soon. They sent a letter ahead of them. They will probably be here sometime in the next two days." Jiang Yanli kept herself calm as she said this. Jiang Wanyin tightened one of his hands into a fist.

"Cleaning up after him again. It's not enough that he causes trouble at home." Jiang Wanyin gritted out. Jiang Yanli internally winced. "Now A-Niang and A-Die have to come all the way to Cloud Recesses. If he wasn't going to take studying seriously he should have made a fuss back home, or run off when we were supposed to leave. At least then he wouldn't have caused this whole mess." Jiang Yanli breathed past the tightness in her chest.

"A-Cheng. A-Xian didn't do this to try and hurt any of us." Jiang Yanli spoke gently.

"How do you know?! Has he explained it to you?! Or does he prefer to talk to outsiders?!" Jiang Wanyin began shouting. Jiang Yanli knew he was feeling hurt. The reality that Wei Wuxian had tried to kill himself. The reality that neither of them had realized he was suffering that much. The reality that he wasn't comfortable speaking to them about it even now. It was painful. Jiang Yanli had felt utterly useless and she was certain Jiang Wanyin was feeling the same.

Jiang Yanli had reminded herself that what mattered was what Wei Wuxian needed from her. Not what she might think he needed. She had done her best to try and find things she could do that were helpful. She offered to listen, but didn't insist he talk. She made him things he enjoyed and visited with him every day. They didn't always talk, and when they did talk it was not about what was bothering him. The important thing was that he seemed to appreciate it. It seemed to be helping him in some fashion, and really that was all she wanted in the first place. Jiang Yanli took a slow breath. The other thing Wei Wuxian needed from her was to help Jiang Wanyin.

"A-Cheng. You know he loves us. He never means to hurt us." Jiang Yanli said gently. Jiang Wanyin was shaking slightly.

"Yes. He never means to hurt us. He never means to do anything wrong. Except he did hurt us! How could this not hurt us?! Yet he doesn't explain! He never said he was hurting like this! How can he not understand how that would make us feel?! He promised..." Jiang Wanyin choked back what might have been a sob. "He promised to stay by me always. He promised when I became sect leader he would be there to support me. He promised me I wouldn't have to do it alone. Was he thinking about that when he tried to slit his own throat?! Was he thinking about how much it would hurt us?! Was he thinking about the fact that he was abandoning us?! Breaking his promises. Leaving us. Shutting us out. Is this how he shows us how he cares?!" Jiang Wanyin shouted. Jiang Yanli took a step towards him. She hated seeing her didi in so much pain.

"A-Cheng." She said softly as she placed a hand on his shoulder. Jiang Wanyin brushed her away so forcefully that Jiang Yanli stumbled.

"And you just keep making excuses for him! Just like A-Die! No matter what he does, you're the first one to excuse it!"

"A-Cheng." She tried to cut in to help him calm down, but he didn't give her the chance.

"You don't need to say it! I get it already!" Jiang Wanyin shouted. "It's always me who's overreacting! Always me who shouldn't be so angry!" His voice seemed to be growing louder by the minute. "He tried to leave us! He chose an outsider over us! Over me! Why can't I be angry?!" Jiang Wanyin's eyes were red with tears that he was refusing to allow to fall.

"A-Cheng, it isn't like that." Jiang Yanli began.

"How is it not like that?!" Jiang Wanyin shouted.

"A-Xian has feelings for Lan-er-gongzi. Yes he is willing to talk to him about some things that he isn't ready to talk to us about. That isn't choosing an outsider over us." Jiang Yanli insisted.

"Isn't it?! He'll talk to Lan-er-gongzi, but he won't talk to me, won't let me help him! Even after all the times he promised he would always be there with me! What is that, if not choosing Lan-er-gongzi over me?!" Jiang Wanyin shouted in her face. Jiang Yanli was struggling to keep herself together. She braced herself internally as she stood her ground against her didi in a way she had never expected to need to.

"A-Cheng. What matters more to you? What A-Xian needs, or what you think he needs? Do you want him to be happy and want to live? Or do you want him pretending to be happy to make us feel better while he dies more every day?" Jiang Yanli tried her best to sound firm. Her voice trembled slightly but she kept her expression determined while she looked Jiang Wanyin in the eye. She watched emotions chase each other across Jiang Wanyin's face until he turned away from her. She didn't stop him as he stormed off.

Once he was out of sight Jiang Yanli staggered. She gasped as the tears she had held back finally escaped in quiet sobs. She dug her fingers into the rough bark of a large tree, using it to help keep her on her feet. Jiang Yanli was trembling slightly. As the tears slid down her face she felt overwhelmed with guilt. She felt like she had hurt Jiang Wanyin. Her heart ached, because she knew under all of the angry shouts he was hurting. However, what he was doing wasn't helping anything. It wasn't making him feel better. It wasn't making Wei Wuxian feel better. It was only causing more pain and the only thing that would change that was if he tried something different.

In the past Wei Wuxian would come and soothe him. That could not happen this time. Wei Wuxian could not continue to swallow his pain to make them feel better. That behavior had brought them here. That behavior almost cost them Wei Wuxian. Jiang Yanli had decided things could not go back to that. Even if it was hard. Even if it hurt Jiang Wanyin. Even if her heart ached to see her didi struggling like this. He had to do this. She had to let him do this. She had to let him figure out what to do with what he was feeling. She had to let him figure out how to accept what Wei Wuxian could and couldn't do right now.

When her tears ran out Jiang Yanli began to make her way back to her room. She closed the door behind her and sat on her bed. It was still early, but she felt exhausted. She was trying to help Wei Wuxian as best she could. She was trying to help Jiang Wanyin as much as she could without jeopardizing Wei Wuxian's wellbeing. Jiang Yanli had always had the two of them around. In the past their arguments had always been easily resolved and the three of them would sit together. If she was upset they'd always come to her. Now they were all in Cloud Recesses, but Jiang Yanli felt utterly alone.

Soon her parents would be coming to Cloud Recesses. Soon her mother would be coming to Cloud Recesses. Jiang Yanli felt cold. She couldn't let Wei Wuxian be sent back to Lotus Pier early. He needed to be with Lan Wangji, and he needed to be away from her mother.  Maybe he... Maybe he shouldn't go back at all.