Backlash Part 1

Chapter 90: What is Family?

"I was thinking about what the YunmengJiang sect gave me. What I owe them. What I've done to them. How I feel about all of it." Wei Wuxian said quietly. "I used to always say that they saved my life. They gave me a home and a family. I owe them everything. The guilt of... of that... and what I... I..." Wei Wuxian let out a huff of frustration.

'Why is it so hard to say?!' Wei Wuxian shouted internally.

'Because I don't even know what I am trying to say.' Wei Wuxian grumbled to himself silently in response to his own question. He took several slow breaths to calm himself down. Focus. Start from something he could explain. Something he could at least organize in his head.

"At first I thought about them giving me a home. I thought about what a home is, and... I determined that Lotus Pier wasn't ever really my home. I never felt completely comfortable or safe there. It was a residence. A place I could sleep that had a roof and offered shelter. It just always felt like I could lose it at any moment. It could be taken away... I could be thrown away." Wei Wuxian explained quietly.

'Okay. I already walked through that part on my own. It's not comfortable to say, but at least the thoughts are in a coherent order.' Wei Wuxian coached himself. Lan Wangji's arms tightened briefly around Wei Wuxian. A silent statement protesting such treatment, promising to not do the same. Another slow breath before Wei Wuxian continued.

"So... They gave me a residence and food. The ability to learn and cultivate." Wei Wuxian listed off. "These are things that every disciple has access to. Disciples do owe something to their sect, but... I don't think I would expect from them what I expect from myself." Wei Wuxian said tentatively. It was very hesitant, because that was suspiciously close to acknowledging that what was asked of him might have been wrong.

"Mn." Lan Wangji agreed firmly. Wei Wuxian was aware that Lan Wangji strongly agreed with Wen Qing about a lot of things. Especially when it came to the YunmengJiang sect. Doubly so when it came to Wei Wuxian's expectations of himself. He was grateful for Lan Wangji's patience and silence. Wei Wuxian needed the space to think about this without someone immediately jumping loudly on one side or another of the argument. Lan Wangji gave a brief affirmation to which opinion he favoured and then just waited.

"I wasn't treated just like any disciple though. I was included in events and dinners like I was part of the Jiang Clan. I was given... family?" Wei Wuxian's last sentence turned into a question, and he hated it as much as he felt like he needed to ask it.

"I... I was always told I was 'practically adopted.' That Sect Leader Jiang treated me like a son. That I was raised with Shijie and Jiang Cheng like we were siblings. That the Jiangs gave me a family. At the same time Madam Yu made it quite clear I was not family. I just... I'm wondering if they are my family? What... What is family?" Wei Wuxian asked quietly.

"I... I don't think family has to be blood. Jiejie and A-Ning are my family. I feel certain about that. It isn't the same as how I felt with the Jiangs, but similar in some ways at least. Shijie... Jiang Cheng... Jiang-shushu..." Wei Wuxian's voice got increasingly quiet. "Am I family to them?" Lan Wangji pulled Wei Wuxian close with a small sigh.

"The question is wrong." Lan Wangji said softly. Wei Wuxian turned to look at Lan Wangji. Eyes shiny with unshed tears blinked in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Wei Wuxian asked. Lan Wangji frowned slightly as if trying to think of how to explain.

"Loved them? In the past?" Lan Wangji inquired somewhat uncomfortably.

"Yes." Wei Wuxian answered. This question was at least an easy one.