Backlash Part 1

Chapter 179: The Rule

"I have a rule about how I use the Yin Hufu." Wei Wuxian began slowly.

Wei Wuxian hadn't actually planned to ever explain this part to anyone. To begin with he had a reputation for not doing well with rules. Combine that with the nature of why he needed this particular rule... Well, Wei Wuxian already felt like he was drowning in having to defend his decisions. He did not want to add more fuel to the dumpster fire that was 'other people's opinions about his judgment'.

"I told you it was disorienting... The Yin Hufu makes it much harder to separate myself from the resentful energy. The emotions in the resentful energy. The voices of the deceased that still have enough presence to have a voice... They become louder and more..." Wei Wuxian struggled to explain what it felt like.

How could he explain that the emotions and thoughts of the resentful energy are inside of him instead of outside of him. How was he supposed to explain that while he used the Yin Hufu it's like he became the resentful energy, and resentful energy doesn't think and feel like a whole person. Interacting with a more intact spirit was one thing. They weren't much different from a living person.

The Yin Hufu channelled so much resentful energy that even if some of it was more intact spirits, the bulk of it was not. It was an amalgamation of the most powerful thoughts and emotions of an uncountable number of spirits that have disintegrated into nothing but power and those few thoughts and feelings. This amalgamation does not feel and think quite like a person anymore. So when Wei Wuxian uses the Yin Hufu, and all of that is pouring through him until he can barely remember that he is a separate entity, he doesn't feel and think quite like a person either.

"It becomes difficult to distinguish between my emotions and the emotions in the resentful energy. My own thoughts and feelings get a bit lost in the mix." Wei Wuxian continued quietly. He wished Jiang Yanli was not holding his hands. Wei Wuxian very much wanted to fidget right now to burn off some of the anxious energy this conversation was generating.

"Because of that I have this rule. I make the decisions about what I am going to do with the Yin Hufu before I use it. I put a lot of focus on exactly what my intention and orders will be. When I use the Yin Hufu, I follow those decisions. I don't make new decisions while using the Yin Hufu. I don't really trust what decisions I might make while using it." Wei Wuxian said quietly.

He waited for a gasp of horror or outrage. He waited for a lecture about how dangerous or irresponsible that was. He expected to be told that it was too dangerous and he should never use the Yin Hufu again. Jiang Yanli rubbed her thumbs gently across Wei Wuxian's knuckles. He blinked open his eyes, not realizing he had closed them.

"So, what can we do to help with that?" Jiang Yanli inquired gently. Wei Wuxian stared at her blankly for a moment. Lan Wangji's arms tightened around Wei Wuxian briefly. Wei Wuxian tilted his head so he could see Lan Wangji's face.

"Called Wei Ying's name. Wei Ying reacted to it, but slowly." Lan Wangji didn't technically frame it as a question, but Wei Wuxian heard the question in the words.

'Wei Ying. Was this helpful? Is this something I should do, or is there something else I can do to help you more?' Wei Wuxian could hear the words in his head as clearly as if Lan Wangji had spoken them.

"That helped." Wei Wuxian assured. It did help, but it would be nice if he could find something that might help faster. Wei Wuxian tried to think about how to explain the half formed idea in his head. "When I'm dissociating and you talk to me... telling me what is happening around me, or telling me what we are doing. It's not the same, but... the disorientation and detachment from myself are similar. So reminding me of what is currently happening, or reminding me of what I do and don't want to do. I think maybe even telling me what to do. As long as it was coming from one of you, I think that might help me. I'm not sure about touching, but that did seem to work for Nuan-er so maybe."

Wei Wuxian tried not to think about who else would most certainly be able to tell him what to do or shake some sense into him. Wen Qing wasn't here. Even if she was, she wouldn't be on the battlefield where Wei Wuxian would be using the Yin Hufu. Wen Qionglin was here, but a battlefield wasn't a good place for him either. Wei Wuxian never wanted to see him ashen skinned and half alive again. Not if there was a chance for him to lead a normal life alongside his family.

Jiang Yanli squeezed his hands and pulled Wei Wuxian's attention back to her. Jiang Yanli looks... happy. Wei Wuxian takes a second to let that sink in. She isn't like, excited happy, but she's smiling lightly. Smiling in a way that looks like she is pleased with something. Which isn't really what Wei Wuxian expected out of saying that he basically becomes a non-person while using the Yin Hufu and would like her to remind him of who he is and what he is doing when it is time to put it away.

"I'm glad you told me about this, A-Xian. I feel a lot better when I know what I can do to help you. Even if you might not need the help." Her smile widened minutely. "I worry. It helps me a lot to know what I could do to help."

The arms around Wei Wuxian pull him in tighter. He gazes at Lan Wangji's face and sees an intense expression in Lan Wangji's eyes. Proud and pleased, and clearly both of those things are about Wei Wuxian and what he just said. Wei Wuxian feels slightly stunned, but lets himself relax automatically against Lan Wangji. That actually went completely fine and now he has to reconcile the fact that all that anxiety was for nothing. It's a good thing. He is glad it went well, but now he's exhausted and he doesn't even have the excuse that something particularly bad happened.

Jiang Yanli gave his hands another squeeze before releasing them. She slowly got to her feet, smoothing the fabric of her clothes. She gazed deeper into the room where Nuan-er and A-Yuan were still sleeping.

"You're really good with them, A-Xian." Jiang Yanli said quietly.

Wei Wuxian felt his heart squeeze. Being able to see A-Yuan again is amazing, and Nuan-er... Wei Wuxian never met her in his first life. He knows it's because she died. Before he met the DafanWen's. Maybe in the work camp. Or maybe she died even earlier. She's so fierce and protective of A-Yuan. It isn't hard to imagine her dying protecting her didi, and Wei Wuxian desperately wants to prevent that from happening.

This time he wants A-Yuan to grow up. He wants his Little Radish to have all the food he needs, and have other children to play with. He wants A-Yuan to have his jiejie, and he wants Nuan-er to grow up too. He wants her to be able to be a child. He wants her to feel safe, and play.

Every time Wei Wuxian caught Naun-er glaring at people he imagined a possessive 'little baby Lan Zhan.' It took all of Wei Wuxian's self control to not coo and encourage Nuan-er to death glare at her extended family. He wanted her to be able to be comfortable around them and glaring wasn't really conducive to that.

Wei Wuxian chewed on the words he wanted to say. This wasn't really the time. They were in the middle of a war. The DafanWen's didn't really know him yet. He hadn't said anything to Lan Wangji, and he hadn't even asked Naun-er's opinion.

"I want to adopt them." Wei Wuxian said quietly.