Backlash Part 1

Chapter 102: Too Many Questions

Lan Wangji awoke at five, like he did every morning. For the first time in Lan Wangji's life he hated that his body woke him promptly at five. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to go outside and be asked a thousand questions. A hundred questions about checking the inventory of everything from the treasury to individual family residences.

How long should they keep permitting the disciples to sleep in the lecture halls? When should they start including the young disciples in the clean up process? How should they explain to the children what just happened? Should they send out notices to the other sects about the attack? Should changes be made to the wards? When should they resume training and lectures? For how long should they refrain from sending disciples out on nighthunts?

Should they send disciples out to search for Lan Xichen? Why had Lan Xichen been so interested in making upgrades to the security of Cloud Recesses in the last months? Why was so much inventory moved into the caves? From food, to fabric, to gold, vast quantities of their stores had been moved to the caves. The elders wanted to know why. There was no reason to do so, unless Zewu-Jun knew such an attack would occur. These items needed to be moved back to their proper places and new inventories taken to assess the sect's losses. Did Lan Xichen suspect something was going to happen? If so, then why did he not say anything?

Lan Wangji hated being swarmed like this. Some of the questions he couldn't answer. Some of the questions he didn't know how to answer. Some of the questions just felt entirely unnecessary to even ask him. Why did they need to ask him about taking inventory? If they decided it needed to be done, then just do it. Lan Wangji hated that they wanted him to decide everything. It forced him to think about why everyone was asking him their questions.

Suddenly Lan Wangji couldn't take a full breath. Panic was creeping down his spine as the edge of his consciousness became fuzzy. There was too much... Too much happening, too many feelings, and all those feelings were much too loud. Lan Wangji felt like he was drowning. Everything in his head was becoming noisy and chaotic. If he could just take it all a piece at a time he would be fine. One thing after the next he could process it in steps.

Except it wasn't a piece at a time. It was all at the same time, and all demanding his attention at once. It was like moving through a crowded market. Suffocating, overwhelming, too much noise to properly understand everything around you. Now and then a sentence or snippet of conversation would come into focus. For a moment there would be something intelligible, but just as quickly it would be swallowed back into the senseless noise.

"Shhhh. Lan Zhan." A warm weight shifted around Lan Wangji. His breath staggered as he was pulled back from his swirling thoughts. A tangle of arms and legs encased Lan Wangji. He felt rather like a tree that had been encased in vines. The vines shifted to pull Lan Wangji closer. "It's too early. Go back to sleep." Wei Wuxian's voice was sleepy.

Lan Wangji's heart suddenly cleared. His Wei Wuxian was so precious. He was always adorable and sweet, but a sleepy Wei Wuxian never failed to make Lan Wangji's heart soar with affection. One of Wei Wuxian's hands began to rub soothing circles on Lan Wangji's back. Even in his sleep Wei Wuxian was responding to Lan Wangji's distress, trying to soothe him.

Lan Wangji pulled Wei Wuxian closer, unwilling to allow any space between them. He buried his face in Wei Wuxian's hair and took deep breaths of his warm comforting scent. Lan Wangji felt the tears beginning to leak from his eyes once more, without his permission. Lan Wangji let them fall. He filled his senses with Wei Wuxian. The warmth and pressure of being trapped in his Love's embrace grounded Lan Wangji.

"My Lan Zhan..." Wei Wuxian mumbled in his sleep. Lan Wangji took another deep breath filled with Wei Wuxian's warmth.

Lan Wangji focused on Wei Wuxian. He focused on the warm weight coiled around him. The soft puffs of breath against his neck where Wei Wuxian had nuzzled his way into. Lan Wangji focused on the most important person in his life, and slowly he started to look at the messy thoughts and feelings that had been overwhelming him.

'Shufu is badly injured.' That thought didn't hurt as much as Lan Wangji expected it to. Lan Qiren had raised Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen. He was more of a teacher than a parent, but he was still one of the few people Lan Wangji could say he was close with. Wei Wuxian had told him that Lan Qiren was injured during this attack last time as well. Wei Wuxian also told him that Lan Qiren survived the war. The healers expected Lan Qiren to wake up within the week. Lan Wangji was still a little worried, but there was nothing to do but wait. There was every indication that Lan Qiren would be fine.

'Xiongzhang is missing.' That one stung. Lan Xichen was the person who had tried to bring Lan Wangji back for years when their mother's death locked Lan Wangji away. Lan Xichen learned to read the minute expressions of thoughts and feelings on Lan Wangji's face. Lan Xichen had helped insulate Lan Wangji from a world he wasn't ready to deal with. Lan Xichen was the one who saw a glimpse of what Wei Wuxian could be for Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji was not certain he would have realized his feelings for Wei Wuxian if it wasn't for Lan Xichen constantly pushing them together.

Wei Wuxian was undoubtedly the most important person in Lan Wangji's life, but before Wei Wuxian Lan Xichen had been the most important person. Lan Xichen was still very important to Lan Wangji and Lan Wangji could not imagine losing him. Lan Wangji took another deep breath of Wei Wuxian's scent.

Wei Wuxian said this happened last time. He didn't know why Lan Xichen went missing, but he stated he went missing. According to Wei Wuxian, Lan Xichen was probably in the company of Meng Yao. They could expect him to return in about two months. Wei Wuxian hadn't been completely certain of the timing. He only knew for certain that Lan Xichen returned while he himself was missing. When they had sat down and tried to go through what Wei Wuxian remembered to create a timeline they settled on two months as probably how long Lan Xichen was missing.

Lan Wangji calmed himself as best he could. He didn't like it, but knowing that this did match the events before helped. Knowing that most likely Lan Xichen would return, as he had in Wei Wuxian's first life, helped to ease Lan Wangji's anxiety. He couldn't imagine how he would manage without Lan Xichen if he didn't have Wei Wuxian.

How had the Lan Wangji in Wei Wuxian's first life managed? Lan Wangji knew he would be alright, because he had Wei Wuxian. When things were too much, he knew Wei Wuxian would be there. If he couldn't find the words to explain, he knew Wei Wuxian would help him express what he needed to. Perhaps not as politely as Lan Xichen would, but to a certain extent manners were secondary.

'Fuqin...' Lan Wangji's grip on Wei Wuxian tightened. Lan Wangji didn't know how he felt about his father. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel either. Wei Wuxian had of course told him that in his first life Qingheng-Jun died as a result of his injuries sustained in the attack on Cloud Recesses. Lan Wangji hadn't really known how to take that.

When Lan Wangji tried to picture his father all he saw was a door. A closed door that never opened. A door that had no sound from behind it, beyond the brush of fabric and quiet footsteps. Lan Wangji's feelings about his father had always been complicated. Sometimes Lan Wangji had wished to see his father or speak with him. Sometimes Lan Wangji had been sad that the two of them had no relationship. Sometimes Lan Wangji was angry that his father chose to abandon everyone, him and Lan Xichen especially. Most of the time Lan Wangji had been sort of vaguely numb and unfeeling.

That was how Lan Wangji felt when he saw his father in the infirmary. He had looked at his father, but all he saw was a stranger. He could tell himself over and over that this was his father, but it never sank in. When he looked at Qingheng-Jun he felt a vague feeling of disappointment. Lan Wangji wasn't certain if that was what he was supposed to feel. Should he be sad because his father was dying? He supposed he was in a vague sort of way. Except his father had never been there to begin with.

His father's death would change nothing. The absent father would still be absent. Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen would still be the ones fulfilling the duties of sect leader, as soon as they were present and healthy. It took Qingheng-Jun dying for Lan Wangji to even know what his father looked like. Lan Wangji sighed, disappointment might be the only feeling he had left for his father at this point. That was the part that was making him sad.