Backlash Part 1

Chapter 73: Courting Gift

Wei Wuxian had to admit that the last week had been kind of nice. When guest lectures ended all the guest disciples left. Lan Wangji had made it very clear that Wei Wuxian was no longer a guest disciple. They were engaged. Even though they were not actually married yet, Lan Wangji seemed to be convinced that Wei Wuxian was already a member of Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian hadn't realized how much he needed to hear someone insisting that he belonged.

Growing up, Wei Wuxian often felt out of place. He felt like a guest in what was supposed to be his home. Terrified that if he became too much work, or too costly, he would be gotten rid of. Some of that was just because of coming from the streets and losing his parents. Some of it, he was slowly admitting, was because of how he was treated.

It wasn't like everyone made him feel out of place or unwelcome. His Shijie went out of her way to make him feel welcomed. Jiang Wanyin, well, Wei Wuxian used to think it was towards the end their relationship had been ruined, now he was willing to admit it maybe hadn't been that great in the first place. Wei Wuxian loved Jiang Wanyin, and he knew Jiang Wanyin cared about him. He knew that, but it didn't stop it from hurting when Jiang Wanyin lashed out at him.

The words Jiang Wanyin would say when angry still hurt, even if Wei Wuxian told himself that Jiang Wanyin didn't mean it. Jiang Wanyin could be competitive to the point of being mean. Wei Wuxian wanted to prove to Jiang Fengmian that he was worth taking in. He wanted to do well and make Jiang Fengmian proud. Except every time he did better than Jiang Wanyin it always spiralled into a mess.

Jiang Fengmian would be proud, and he would tell Wei Wuxian he was proud. Meanwhile Wei Wuxian could see how much it hurt Jiang Wanyin to watch that. How much it hurt Jiang Wanyin to watch Wei Wuxian receive praise from Jiang Fengmian, while Jiang Wanyin did not. Wei Wuxian tried directing attention to Jiang Wanyin. He would call out Jiang Wanyin's accomplishments and try to encourage Jiang Fengmian to praise his son. It didn't help very much.

Then there was Madam Yu. She hated that Wei Wuxian ever did better than Jiang Wanyin. Hated it and made sure to tell Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin how wrong that was. Wei Wuxian could bear the insults thrown on him. He couldn't bear to see the pain in Jiang Wanyin's eyes though. Madam Yu would yell and lecture Jiang Wanyin. Telling him that he would never be good enough. Telling him that he never worked hard enough. She would yell at Jiang Fengmian in front of them about how Jiang Fengmian didn't love his own son.

It hurt. It hurt Wei Wuxian so much to see this family in pain because of him. Wei Wuxian started to deliberately let Jiang Wanyin beat him, but unfortunately Jiang Wanyin was too skilled to not notice. Jiang Wanyin became irate. He took it to mean that Wei Wuxian was looking down on him. Accused Wei Wuxian of thinking less of him. Nothing Wei Wuxian said could convince Jiang Wanyin otherwise. So that was the end of Wei Wuxian letting Jiang Wanyin win.

Wei Wuxian was slowly becoming willing to admit that Lotus Pier had not been as comfortable as Wei Wuxian had once believed it to be. Every day was filled with stress. Stress that always came down to Wei Wuxian feeling like he was doing something wrong. Whether he beat Jiang Wanyin or lost, both usually felt like he did something wrong. Wei Wuxian didn't used to think much about this, other than the fact that he hated how much he was inadvertently hurting Jiang Wanyin. Then of course things got worse. The massacre, the war, and afterwards Wei Wuxian truly felt like he didn't belong.

Wei Wuxian was sitting under the magnolia tree outside the library. He wanted a change of scenery, even if he was still working on the same things. With the guest lectures over Cloud Recesses felt more peaceful. Wei Wuxian wasn't certain why. The guest disciples had to abide by the three thousand excessive rules, at least sort of. Even though it wasn't too different there was still a quiet and stillness in Cloud Recesses that was somehow deeper than it was before. Most surprising to Wei Wuxian is that he liked it. It felt calming and safe...