Backlash Part 1

Chapter 62: The Jingshi

Lan Wangji had been wordlessly holding Wei Wuxian, trying to provide as much comfort as he could. He could feel the tension in Wei Wuxian's body. The way Wei Wuxian stiffened at certain points in the conversation and then forced his posture to look relaxed even though the tension never dissipated. Lan Wangji had wanted to stop the conversation several times. He knew Wei Wuxian was pushing himself.

At the same time he knew Wei Wuxian was deeply worried about the events to come. He knew that this conversation needed to happen. It was the first step in actually doing things to try and change the future. He had contented himself with trying his best to support Wei Wuxian during the conversation. He held him close and gently ran his fingers through Wei Wuxian's hair. Something he knew Wei Wuxian loved and also something that Lan Wangji himself enjoyed doing.

They finished their discussion for the day. They had the beginnings of a plan and steps they could take to try and change the future. Lan Wangji could hear hopefulness and gratitude in WeI Wuxian's voice, and Lan Wangji thought it was at least somewhat genuine. However, he did not miss the continued tension or the way Wei Wuxian began to shake slightly after everyone was out of sight.

Wei Wuxian didn't say anything when everyone was gone, but the shaking was getting steadily worse. Lan Wangji gathered Wei Wuxian in his arms and carried him inside. He closed the door behind them without a word. Then continued to carry Wei Wuxian to sit with him on the bed. Wei Wuxian's hands were balled into fists on his lap. He seemed to be staring at his hands. Not saying anything and not looking anywhere. For a long time neither of them said anything. Wei Wuxian seemed to be thinking about something very intently. So Lan Wangji waited for Wei Wuxian to say what was on his mind.

"Maybe getting engaged wasn't such a good idea..." Wei Wuxian said quietly. Lan Wangji was immediately flooded with emotions.

'Did I do something wrong? Is Wei Ying not happy that we are engaged?' Lan Wangji's thoughts began to spiral as his emotions threatened to overwhelm him. Angry, scared, and hurt... it hurt so much. Lan Wangji forced himself to slow down. He swallowed hard, holding back the onslaught of emotions.

"Why?" He tried to keep his tone empty of inflection, but for once he wasn't certain if he succeeded. Wei Wuxian seemed to be able to hear things in his voice and see things in his expressions that most people did not. Usually that made Lan Wangji happy, but right now he was afraid Wei Wuxian would hear the anger and hurt he was feeling. He was afraid Wei Wuxian would hear it and misinterpret it. That would be so much worse than if Wei Wuxian simply couldn't hear any emotions at all. Wei Wuxian didn't answer right away. Lan Wangji watched as Wei Wuxian's fists tightened. He saw Wei Wuxian lower his head further. He couldn't tell if it was in anger, sadness, or shame.

"I'll taint you." Wei Wuxian whispered in response. Lan Wangji felt a wave of relief.

'Wei Ying doesn't dislike me. Wei Ying doesn't want to leave me.' Lan Wangji's anger had completely vanished. This was another instance of Wei Wuxian trying to push away because of self-deprecation. Lan Wangji didn't like it, but he understood it. He had talked through similar instances with Wei Wuxian before. He could do it again. As many times as Wei Wuxian needed to understand.

"Wei Ying is not dirty." Lan Wangji said firmly. Wei Wuxian shook his head.

"We won't be able to find a way for me to not use demonic cultivation. Even my demonic cultivation alone wasn't enough. To win I had to forge a powerful weapon that I am honestly a little afraid of. There is no way to escape me being a demonic cultivator. Not if we want to keep people alive. I saw the look on Xichen-ge's face. He gave me that look last time too, and then the looks got worse. More pity, more resignation, more acceptance that I was irredeemable." Wei Wuxian said, his words slowly coming faster and faster. "At the end of the war it's going to be just like last time. Nothing but talk about my demonic cultivation. I'll be evil, tainted, and everyone near me will be stained by it."

"It will not be the same." Lan Wangji said after a long time. It had taken a while to process everything Wei Wuxian said, and try to form the right words to sooth him. Wei Wuxian shook his head.

"It will be the same." Wei Wuxian insisted.

"Wei Ying will not be alone. It will not be the same." Lan Wangji repeated. Wei Wuxian began to shake his head more forcefully.

"You can't say that yet. You haven't seen me on the battlefield. You haven't seen me when I am named Yiling Laozu." Wei Wuxian protested, his voice was tight and forced.

"Wei Ying will not be alone, because I will not leave." Lan Wangji said calmly. Wei Wuxian began to shake harder.

"You'll change your mind." Wei Wuxian whispered under his breath. "Everyone changed their mind." Wei Wuxian's voice sounded so small and wounded. Lan Wangji wanted to cry and chuckle at the same time. He hated to hear Wei Wuxian so hurt. At the same time, Lan Wangji did not recall anyone ever saying he was someone easy to change the mind of. Lan Wangji was notorious within Cloud Recesses for being incredibly stubborn. Further Lan Wangji was certain Wei Wuxian knew that he was stubborn. It was the anxiety and hurt in Wei Wuxian's heart that was speaking. These feelings didn't allow Wei Wuxian to simply accept things that he had already learned.

"I will not leave Wei Ying." Lan Wangji said firmly. He could see how badly Wei Wuxian was shaking, but he also sensed that Wei Wuxian was not ready to accept physical comfort yet. Wei Wuxian had been sitting in his lap the entire time, but he had been sitting up straight. He didn't lean against Lan Wangji. He did not embrace Lan Wangji. Nor was he seeking Lan Wangji's touch.

"You can't know." Wei Wuxian whispered. "As a demonic cultivator I become an arrogant monster. Demonic cultivation is bad for your temperament, right? If I change, why would you stay?" Wei Wuxian asked with tears stinging his eyes. Lan Wangji frowned gently at Wei Wuxian.

"The Wei Ying of today is not the same as the Wei Ying who climbed over the wall of Cloud Recesses." Lan Wangji said softly. "Wei Ying has changed, but Wei Ying has also stayed the same."

"I thought I didn't change, but everyone else said I did. Xichen-ge believed that demonic cultivation changed me. Even you warned me endlessly about it changing me. What if everyone is right, and it turns me into a monster." Wei Wuxian said in a breathy whisper. Lan Wangji felt his heart ache. The words of his future self had cut Wei Wuxian deeply. Words of worry that with a mountain of accusations turned into another knife of distrust.

'My Wei Ying is too kind. Even though my words have hurt him he still puts his trust in me.' Lan Wangji commented silently. Lan Wangji took a steadying breath. He extended his hand, letting it rest over Wei Wuxian's heart.

"My Wei Ying's heart is beautiful, innocent, mischievous, and brave. My Wei Ying's heart has never changed, and will not change." Lan Wangji said firmly. Something wet landed on Lan Wangji's extended arm. He saw tears fall towards Wei Wuxian's lap. He couldn't see Wei Wuxian's face. Wei Wuxian had lowered his head so much that Lan Wangji could not see his expression at all. Lan Wangji moved his hand from Wei Wuxian's chest and gently lifted Wei Wuxian's chin.

'My Wei Ying. Are you afraid you will become someone you are not? Are you afraid I will leave you?' Lan Wangji brought both of his hands up to cup Wei Wuxian's cheeks. He gently used his thumbs to wipe away Wei Wuxian's tears.

"I don't want you to leave me..." Wei Wuxian said in a choked whisper. Lan Wangji leaned forward and kissed Wei Wuxian's forehead. He pulled back just enough to be able to look Wei Wuxian in the eyes from a few inches away.

"Love Wei Ying. Never leave." Lan Wangji stared intently into Wei Wuxian's eyes. Making sure Wei Wuxian heard and understood those words. Lan Wangji read the uncertainty in those dark eyes behind the kaleidoscope of tears. Wei Wuxian began to open his mouth, and Lan Wangji could tell it was to protest and doubt. Lan Wangji leaned forward and silenced those doubts with his lips. He kissed Wei Wuxian gently, with complete focus and devotion.

After a long time Lan Wangji pulled back. He searched Wei Wuxian's eyes once more, and finally found what he had been looking to see. He could see Wei Wuxian accepting his words, his promise. Wei Wuxian abruptly threw himself against Lan Wangji's chest and wrapped his arms around Lan Wangji's neck. Lan Wangji finally relaxed as he wrapped his arms around Wei Wuxian securely. Wei Wuxian buried his face in Lan Wangji neck, and Lan Wangji placed a soft kiss in Wei Wuxian's hair.

"I'm here. Never leave." Lan Wangji murmured softly.