Backlash Part 1

Chapter 80: Can't Sleep Alone

Wei Wuxian couldn't sleep. This wasn't really a surprise. Wei Wuxian and sleep had a complicated relationship. Starting first when he was hunkered in allies as a small child. Having to sleep in filthy and uncomfortable conditions. At any moment having to flee from street dogs or irritable vendors who felt he was too close to their stalls for their comfort. He spent his eight years at Lotus Pier adjusting to the idea that he didn't need to fear for his safety when going to sleep at night.

Then Lotus Pier was gone and Wei Wuxian was thrown into Burial Mounds. Suddenly his time on the streets looked quaint and comfortable. Not only had it been impossible to distinguish night from day in the Burial Mounds, but there wasn't really ever a safe time to sleep. He would hide himself in any small sheltered space he could find. The smaller the better, less noticeable and better able to offer physical protection to his body. Sometimes he would hide high up in the branches of a tree. Neither of these plans were completely safe, and he had left there with the scars to prove it. Wei Wuxian had no way to know how long it was like that before he managed to protect himself with an array.

From there things never really improved. Even if he should have been safe in camp during the war, or in Lotus Pier just after the war ended. The reality was that Wei Wuxian didn't feel safe, and the nightmares certainly didn't help anything. When he returned to the Burial Mounds it was sort of better? It was worse, because the Burial Mounds was the setting in which he experienced absolute hell. Yet it was also better. Wei Wuxian had been able to cleanse a lot of the resentful energy from the section in which they lived. It made the space mostly safe.

There were even people who would wake him up if he wasn't waking from his nightmares on his own. There were people who would sit with him and talk when he needed a distraction. He had family who would sit with him until he fell asleep, just so he could feel safe enough to even try. Those experiences and nightmares came back with Wei Wuxian alongside all the knowledge of things to come. While they hadn't stopped being a problem, Wei Wuxian felt he could say that things had gotten better.

Of course now Wei Wuxian was forced to remember that a lot of that was because of who was with him. Lan Wangji had been by his side more often than not ever since he came back. When Wei Wuxian had a nightmare Lan Wangji was right there to soothe him. If Wei Wuxian woke up he could wake Lan Wangji at any time, and Lan Wangji would hold him. Wei Wuxian had only had the guts to do that a few times, but each time Lan Wangji had soothed him without complaint.

Wei Wuxian had started to get used to actually relying on someone for support. Actually going to someone for help. Now here Wei Wuxian was trying to go back to dealing with everything alone. That had been a bad idea. Actually it had been a terrible idea. Why had he thought this would be fine? Wei Wuxian considered his own question. Had he thought it would be fine? Today had not been a good day.

Wei Wuxian had returned to Lotus Pier, and it was awful. When they were moving through the market it had taken everything Wei Wuxian had to not flinch and jump. He was surrounded. Just like the siege. Just like when he died. There were too many people and they were too close. Wei Wuxian felt like he couldn't breathe. His body screamed in alarm while he tried to engage in friendly banter. His mind knew that these were just normal people doing normal everyday things. That didn't matter to the instincts that had been beaten into him through years of war and betrayal.

Close was dangerous. Close could hurt you. Close could kill you. Wei Wuxian felt like he couldn't breathe. He needed space. He needed space between him and so many people. He needed to be able to see what their hands were doing. He needed to be able to keep an eye on who was approaching him. Surrounded like this gave him no space to maneuver and no chance to see if one of these bodies had a sword in hand ready to run him through.