Backlash Part 1

Chapter 38: The Jingshi

Lan Wangji was only vaguely aware of Nie Huaisang moving toward the courtyard exit. He paused and Lan Wangji could hear a few pieces of muddled conversation.

"Wen Ning, are you alright? Why don't we go talk for a bit? I think we can leave Wei-xiong to Lan-er-gongzi." Nie Huaisang's voice carried lightly across the quiet courtyard. Lan Wangji held Wei Wuxian even tighter.

'Yes. I will take care of Wei Ying.' Lan Wangji didn't want other people buzzing around them. He just wanted to stay with Wei Wuxian and take care of him. He didn't want Wei Wuxian to have to think about other people seeing him or asking him questions. There was a sound of receding footsteps. After the footsteps disappeared the only sound in the courtyard was Wei Wuxian's soft sobs. Lan Wangji slowly adjusted his hold on Wei Wuxian and rose to his feet. Cradling Wei Wuxian against his chest, Lan Wangji brought him inside the Jingshi.

Wei Wuxian slowly calmed in Lan Wangji's arms. His breathing had become mostly steady and his eyes were able to take in the things around him once more. Lan Wangji didn't say anything. Wei Wuxian already knew Lan Wangji would listen. He also knew Lan Wangji would not push him to speak if he wasn't ready. Part of Wei Wuxian did not want to speak. Something instinctive and fearful told him to hold his tongue. However there was a different part of him that was winning.

Wei Wuxian wished he could say it was him pushing himself to open up, like Wen Qing insisted he should. Wei Wuxian unfortunately knew it was not entirely a wilful decision on his part. He was quite certain that the reason he had started talking more was that he was tired. So unbearably tired. Keeping all of the horrible thoughts and feelings inside took so much energy. He just couldn't hold them in anymore. Of course there was still the ever present fear of how others would respond. As much as not speaking hurt, it hurt more to speak and have his thoughts dismissed or confirmed.

"The worst part about what she says is that I believe it." Wei Wuxian spoke quietly into Lan Wangji's chest. Lan Wangji rubbed soothing circles on Wei Wuxian's chest. Lan Wangji didn't speak. He held Wei Wuxian and allowed the silence to remain until Wei Wuxian began to speak again.

"Did you know Madam Yu and Uncle Jiang have been fighting ever since he brought me to Lotus Pier?" Wei Wuxian asked dryly. "If Madam Yu isn't yelling at him, then she's avoiding him, and the arguments always come back to me." Wei Wuxian felt the tears begin to gather in his eyes once more.

"When I was little, I was just so happy to have any home at all. I was so happy to not be on the streets. To not have to spend my days running from wild dogs. I understood that Madam Yu wasn't happy about me being there. I understood that the fights were about me. Even then I thought about leaving, I didn't want to cause them problems. I was just too scared to leave." The tears began to slide down Wei Wuxian's face once more. "I should have left then. Before I could ruin their family. Before I could ruin their home."

"No." Lan Wangji's tone was filled with certainty. Wei Wuxian turned his head to see Lan Wangji's expression. "Wei Ying can't control their actions." Lan Wangji spoke it as if it was as simple as that. Wei Wuxian frowned.

"The fights always came back to me. One way or another I was always brought up. If I hadn't been there..."

"Wei Ying." Lan Wangji interrupted Wei Wuxian mid sentence. Wei Wuxian blinked up at Lan Wangji. "Their fights. Their problems. Not Wei Ying's." Lan Wangji said with complete seriousness. Wei Wuxian buried his face in Lan Wangji's chest and shook his head.

'Why? Why does a few words from Lan Zhan make me feel better?' Wei Wuxian whined internally. Wei Wuxian's mind quickly supplied examples of problems he caused them. Wei Wuxian bit his lip. 'If I say them out loud, will Lan Zhan still think it isn't my fault? Or will he finally agree with what Madam Yu always says?' Wei Wuxian peeked up at Lan Wangji cautiously. Wei Wuxian took a few breaths to brace himself.