Backlash Part 1

Chapter 162: It Was Never About Suibian

Wei Wuxian was standing in the middle of their tent. Suibian gripped tightly in his hand, each knuckle gone white with force. He stared at it intently, his thumb moving across the ridges of the engraved characters of its name. The gesture is both fierce and reverent.

"Someone asked to spar with me." Wei Wuxian said at last.

Lan Wangji did not say anything to this. He waited patiently for Wei Wuxian to continue. Wei Wuxian was holding in his emotions. Once he started to put things into words everything would move faster. First his words, then his emotions, and then finally Wei Wuxian would be able to hear and accept comfort. Lan Wangji was confident enough in their relationship that he could keep himself calm and wait. Wei Wuxian would tell him when he was ready, and Wei Wuxian would not keep anything from him long term.

"In my first life, everyone asked me about Suibian." Wei Wuxian said quietly. "It was constant. Every event. Every greeting. It was always... 'Where's Suibian?' 'Where's your sword?' 'Why aren't you carrying your sword?' Over and over. Always the same questions. Always feeling like a slap across my face."

Lan Wangji felt a dull ache in his chest. He already knew that one of those voices had been his. No matter how well meaning Lan Wangji had been, those words would have still stung. The Lan Wangji of then did not know Wei Wuxian could not use Suibian.

Unlike now, Suibian had been lost. The sword skills Wei Wuxian loved. The cultivation he had worked hard for and taken such pride in. They were all gone and every day Wei Wuxian was reminded of that over and over with every question about where his sword was.

"People said so much about me, just because I didn't carry Suibian. They acted like I was going out of my way to personally snub them. Like I was trying to insult the entire cultivation world in one go. Somehow I was both incredibly arrogant, but also had no pride as a cultivator. Then people would start using me to insult the YunmengJiang sect."

Wei Wuxian winced at his own words. A pained grimace as his hands shook with anger. Lan Wangji felt a sharp ache in his chest. Wei Wuxian was so protective of his family, his sect. Whether it was the family he made in the Burial Mounds or the people he had been surrounded by at Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian was completely devoted and fiercely protective. Nothing hurt more than the implication that he was bringing his family harm.

Wei Wuxian was always thinking about those he cared about. He used to focus on protecting them from others. Until the Lotus Pier Massacre during his first life. The day that Wei Wuxian's heart shattered and every spiteful word he had weathered over the years engraved themselves into his soul. That was when Wei Wuxian started to guard his family not just from outsiders, but from himself.

Wei Wuxian accepted the mantle of being a stain. He created distance between himself and his family in public. He dressed separately from them. His black and red attire visually disconnected him from the YunmengJiang sect. Denounced connection between them and his own actions. An effort to protect them that must have been painful for someone who had only ever wanted to be loved, to belong, and to do the right thing.

"I was never able to make it stop last time. The talk about where Suibian was... Why wasn't I carrying it? All the way up until everyone wanted me dead..." Wei Wuxian's voice fell quiet towards the end of that sentence. Lan Wangji watched Wei Wuxian take a slow breath to centre himself. "I'm trying to do better with this life. If not carrying Suibian was such a problem, I figured I'd just need to carry it. I still have my golden core. I can use it. There's no danger in carrying Suibian."

Wei Wuxian began to pace. Suibian was still gripped tightly, but Wei Wuxian's free hand began to move and gesture as Wei Wuxian spoke. His steps grew steadily faster and the movements of his hand more free.