Backlash Part 1

Chapter 96: Deja Vu

Wei Wuxian thought he had gotten used to the strange feeling of deja vu that had been accompanying him since his return. Seeing places as they had existed in his past. Seeing people younger than he last remembered them. Seeing people that he had watched die. Wei Wuxian had never actually gotten used to that last one. There was something deeply unsettling about watching people that you had seen dead. Watching them walking, talking, eating, living, and knowing exactly when their time would end while they had no idea.

Wei Wuxian thought that his only problems would be his ongoing triggers and the horrible events he knew were in the future. He didn't recall much of note happening at this discussion conference. So he felt completely unprepared for the experience that assaulted him through the opening ceremony. The pounding of the drums. The participating disciples standing in formation. The whispers around him. The conversations and gestures of the sect leaders as they took their seats. It was a vivid reliving of a time in his past unlike anything he had experienced thus far.

Only now was Wei Wuxian realizing how much his experiences of the last six months had changed. Although the people and places were the same, all of Wei Wuxian's time and activities had been vastly different. Since waking up in the past his time had been spent in a very different way. To be fair he hadn't exactly been in great shape when he willingly threw his life away while destroying the Yin Hufu. Aside from piecing himself into a functioning person, he had spent all his time on creating and recreating things that could help protect people he cared about from the coming war. He was worrying about an extended family that hadn't actually met him yet. Fussing over siblings that in his last life he was only kind of familiar with at this point.

Wei Wuxian heard a sharp voice talking with some disciples and deliberately did not turn to look. Things with Jiang Wanyin had not been getting better. At this time in his last life he probably would have been joking with the disciples waiting for the competition to start. He would have been teasing Jiang Wanyin to help them both blow off steam and calm their nerves. Wei Wuxian couldn't do that now. He didn't want to do that now.

Wei Wuxian's feelings regarding Jiang Wanyin were complicated and painful. Wei Wuxian had spent hours trying to untangle them on his own, and hours trying to make sense of them with the support of Lan Wangji. The end result was still a messy not that hurt to look at, and now was not the time for him to try diving into it once more. He tried to focus on how he felt right now, and specifically what he felt besides guilt.

Apparently he wasn't supposed to make decisions based off of guilt. Lan Wangji insisted Wen Qing had said this, but Wei Wuxian did not remember it. It was entirely possible that Wei Wuxian had not been in a state to absorb that recommendation at the time she said it. Wei Wuxian trusted Lan Wangji. If he said something had happened, then it had happened. So Wei Wuxian was trying to learn to figure out how to untangle guilt from his other motivating emotions.

It was frustratingly difficult. Wei Wuxian had only recently come to realize that a lot of the things he did were motivated by guilt. Trying to impress Jiang Fengmian. Trying to annoy people so Wei Wuxian could take their wrath instead of his friends, siblings, or disciples. That was an entirely too common situation in Wei Wuxian's experience. Trying to pretend he was happy for his family. Accepting outbursts of anger and following them with promises and reassurances.

Giving. Giving. Giving. It was like he was constantly giving but never able to give enough. He always wanted to give more. Needed to give more. Had to give more. Apparently this was not healthy. According to Wen Qing and Lan Wangji it was also not something he should do. He was working on it. He'd managed to not go and give Jiang Wanyin whatever reassurances and apologies he seemed to be looking for. To Wei Wuxian's surprise other than being verbally harsh to him Jiang Wanyin seemed to be doing alright. Jiang Wanyin being verbally harsh wasn't anything new, so Wei Wuxian felt perhaps he really was doing something right by standing up for himself.