Shadows of our end - KDA x Male Reader (Original)

Act 1 - 033

I am lying in a bed staring emptily at my front. It... I am not staring at anything but the moment all my wounds have been mended I have just been staring emptily forward with the same scene running over and over in my head.

"How is he?" I hear someone's voice that I haven't heard before.

"I don't know, Lauren said he'll be fine physically for now."

"And Jhin?"

"Gone," she breathes out. "I think the chances of him coming back any time soon is scarce. I did do a number on him, I will rest and then continue to go-"

"About our offer."

There is a short silence. "Hm. I'll take it after I go back to see it for myself. I have already recovered and if I can't find anything then it is safe to say we won't be seeing him any time soon. I don't think he will take that risk."

"Are you sure?"

"Isn't the first time where I got close to killing him only for him to outsmart me," then with a sigh, "This time is different, I cared more about saving (Y/N)."

"You should have killed him," the voice states.

"I know what I needed to do, but you can't ever expect me to do what I need to do over what I want to do."

"Then I hope we don't live to regret your decision for not stopping him."

"You sit pretty behind your office table, the people just like me will continue to be your pets," then felt her hand on my shoulder. "Or do you not even feel a bit of remorse for them? For not making sure they were lead to their deaths?"

"It was out of my control."

"Was it?" she chuckles, "I'll be around, I don't trust any of you to be good enough."

"We will be happy to have you with us."

He leaves through the doors. I turn over from my shoulder to my back to look at her, mom instantly looks at me with slightly widened eyes. I saw her for a brief moment before slipping out of consciousness. It... didn't even look like I was looking at her at that point.

"Didn't know you were awake-"

"Been awake," I breathe out, "Is Akane..."

"Dead," she confirms my thoughts.

"How'd he die?"

She then asks me, "Do you want to know?"

"I think so," I lift my gaze to the ceiling. "How long were we captured?" I ask instead... "How many days?"

"Four."

"It didn't feel like it... it felt longer. They... tried to get into our heads with promises and lies tricking us against each other. Wanted me to so strongly believe that it was your fault, I don't know what they did to him but he... he was fine at some point and then he didn't want to talk to me. The last words I heard is... him blaming me," I scoff at myself.

"Do you blame yourself?" she asks.

I stare blankly, "Do I blame myself..." There is a silence that I can't describe as I finally breathe out trying to answer no but my voice fails me.

"When I pulled you out an explosion set off on both sides, the other team said that he died long before they got there because of the way they hooked him up to the bombs. There isn't a body to recover."

So he died anyway. Sick fuck. I'll hunt him down the moment I can get out of this fucking bed.

I guess I am lying to myself even more than I thought, the thought of it is harrowing. How do you walk away from this when the person that was trapped with you is being tortured... what do I do when the last thing he said before he died is that he blames me for it all...

Even if he didn't believe it... even if it was because of them...

Why am I not stronger than I am right now?

"What does it take... what will it take for me to kill him?"

"(Y/N)-"

"I don't care if I have to go through all kinds of hell, don't care if I rupture my lungs trying to keep up... I'll do whatever it takes to be stronger than I am now."

"That's sacrificing a lot-"

"I should have died," I breathe out with a frustrated laugh.

"But you aren't," she counters. "I never said that the world isn't cruel, we can pretend that nothing hurts us and that it will all be okay but in what sense does it drive you so far forward into reckless abandon because you want to give a life for a life."

"I just want to fucking kill him."

She nods, "I know," then lifting herself, "Get some rest, there will be plenty of people that will blame you for not being stronger so don't be one of them, it begins with us... and it dies with us," she leaves my side heading out of the room.

***   ***   ***

I sit at the edge of the bed with the nurse writing something down. "Nothing hurting?"

"I'm fine."

She then asks me, "Are you?" I look up at her, "I am not someone who cares about you, so you don't have to lie to me to make yourself feel better because even if I think you are suicidal it is just a note that I make and inform the people around you."

"So either you tell me how you feel or I make my assumptions and inform them from a clinical point of view... do you want them to treat you like a victim? Even though you are a victim?"

I then sighed, "I thought I could find a way to save him he died regardless of anything I tried to do."

"So you blame yourself," she nods, "How is that fair?" then with a chuckle. "Then again this is just a life lesson and how life is far away from fair."

"Yeah..."

She lifts herself. "If you could go back and have it any other way - what would you do?"

"Be better," I answer instantly.

"Be mindful that you don't feel so much that you end up feeling nothing," she breathes out. "Your answer is admittedly better than being a martyr but enough to cause concern that your next course of action is driving yourself so far off of the edge that you want to match the monsters by being one yourself."

"Then again... that is just so awfully like your mother it is scary."

I lift my gaze to see her with a slight smile, "What do you mean?"

"Nothing. What comes next matters more than what happened. There are people all around you that will never understand how you felt, don't fault them for not understanding because few people have the will to persevere from it and not come out changed or broken."

That's if it didn't change me already.

"Thanks... doc."

"Call me Lauren, weird having Kiriko's kid call me anything other than that," she then walks towards the window. "If you need someone to talk to feel free to drop by when I am free but don't expect therapy. I am not a therapist."

I twist my lips to the side, walking towards the door. "Thanks, Lauren. For saving me."

"Doing what I am paid for, I already charged you for ending up back in my office."

I crack a smile as I chuckle, "How is this my fault?"

"I'm a girl of my word," she looks at me over her shoulder, "Go meet your friends, they must be worried about you."

Yeah... I just want to know how I am supposed to face Rey.