Peyton
"Hey, you," I said into my phone after I saw Janet's name on the caller ID. It'd been a week since I'd left LA, and we had talked or FaceTimed everyday since. No matter how long or brief the conversation was, I was always excited to hear her voice.
"Hi," she said in a very somber tone.
"Uh oh, what's going on? Why do you sound sad?"
"We finally got the results of Joseph's tests. Turns out he has Pancreatic cancer and it's pretty aggressive."
"Noooo, oh my God. I am so sorry to hear that, J. How are you handling it?" All I really wanted to do was hold her. Nothing more, nothing less. This distance was going to kill me.
"Um, it's a lot to take in. He declined any treatment, so they're not giving him a lot of time considering how bad it is. 30 days, if that."
"Damn. No treatment? Is he sure he wants to do that? It could help. Give him more time."
"He's pretty set on it. He said he doesn't want to spend his days pumping different things into his body when he's just gonna go anyway. He feels that he's lived a long life and has experienced enough joy and happiness to last him another lifetime, so he's content and wants to spend his last days with his family."
This sounded all too familiar. My mom had made that same heart wrenching decision during her last cancer bout. After fighting, and beating, breast cancer three times and cervical cancer over a 20 year span, by the time they found the tumor on her brain, she was just tired. Too tired. And I couldn't blame her.
"This is just all so sad though."
"It is. I haven't really cried about it. I've just been trying to be there for everyone else. I'm sure it'll hit me though," she said. She let out a long sigh and continued on, "I think I just have so many unresolved issues with him, that I wanted to talk through with him, but just kept putting it off. I just thought I'd have more time, ya know?"
"I understand. First, please take care of you. You can't help anyone if you're not good yourself. Have your time. Have your moments, then help and support when you can. Second, now that you know that time isn't on your side, you have to have those conversations, J. They're going to be hard, but what's worse is living with regret or guilt that can never get resolved. Talk to him so that you both can hopefully understand each other. Get your true peace with him while you still can."
I didn't want to sound like I was preaching, but the regret thing is something that I live with everyday. That, on top of grief, is not something that I'd ever want her to have to deal with. But that was up to her.
"I know. And I hear you. I especially want Eissa to spend a little time with him. He deserves to know his grandfather, even if it's only a little time." She then got quiet for a bit. "Selfishly, I just wish you were here. I know I'd feel a little better if you were."
As sad as this situation was, I had to admit, it made me feel good that she wanted me there, just like I wanted to be.
"That's not selfish. I wish I could be there with you, too." I had the sudden urge to see her face. To look her in her eyes and so I could see how she really was. I switched the call over to FaceTime. Soon, her beautiful face was on my screen.
"I look terrible," she said trying to hide most of her face under a blanket she seemed to be wrapped up in. Her eyes were laced with sadness. It broke my heart.
"You're as beautiful as ever."
"You can't even see my whole face."
"Don't need to. I know what you look like." Her eyes squinted and her cheeks peeked above the blanket, letting me know that she was smiling.
