Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Forty One

Chapter Forty One

8:34p.m

I sent that message three hours and four minutes ago and I already feel like I've lost another piece of me. I feel like another piece of me has just fallen out and shattered onto the floor along with all the other sharp pieces that cover it.

Sending those messages to Ashton was the best idea I have ever had but I finally needed to stop. They weren't getting me anywhere and they can't help me anymore. The fact that I could write my emotions down and send them to someone really helped me but now, I can't be helped.

I'm just too broken, but that's not anyone's fault. It's not even my fault. It's not my fault that I lost the thing that meant the absolute world to me because of an injury.

Without dance, I feel lost. Dance was the only thing that kept me happy. When I was a child, I wasn't like everybody else. Every other child would talk and laugh and play with their friends but I would just sit there, I barely ever talked, I cried a lot when I was on my own.

Then my doctor suggested that my parents put me into a dance lesson, see if it helps even the slightest. My parents, of course, tried because they wanted to do whatever they could to make me happy, to make me talk.

After that first lesson, everything changed for me. Instead of seeing everything in black and white, I finally saw in colour. the colours started to fill the world around me and I changed.

I made friends, I started talking. It helped so much. My parents then put me in a few other classes each week and I just kept getting better and better. After that year, dance was my life.

I would dance everywhere. I did almost every single class they offered at my studio. I competed in eisteddfods all over the place. I did exams. It just changed me. I loved it so much and there was nothing I could ever say that would convey how much I owe my doctor for suggesting it. There are no words at all.

But then I hurt my knee. It affected me a little bit but I always thought 'it's just a little injury. I'll be back into dancing soon, don't worry about it'. But boy was I wrong.

After it healed, it was never the same. It would just be painful to walk on, I couldn't walk very far without crying from the pain. So we went to the physio and he sent me away where I ended up having an operation. And that is how I ended up where I am now.

That is how I ended up sending depressed messages to a boy who will never read them.

A lot of people don't realise how much this has affected me. My parents don't even think it's as bad as it is. Niall doesn't even know how bad it is. The only person who knows is 'him' but he probably doesn't even know. He will never read my messages.

But that didn't stop me writing them to him.

They just helped me, not a lot but just a little bit. Just enough to get me through each day without giving up.

Everyday, I would come home, about to give up. About to never get up and try again. But then I would see one of the posters in my room and I would jump on Twitter and message him. I would send him my feelings, my thoughts, anything. I don't know why but I just did.

And that was the best thing I ever decided to do.

I feel like without him I wouldn't even be here anymore. So many times I have thought about giving up in more ways then one but then I would remember him and how much he cares about us all. Then something would snap in me and would just write down my thoughts instead of letting them roam around my head. Then I would send them off, hoping that one day they will be seen.