Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Thank You

Thank You

So...hi everyone.

I bet you weren't expecting to see me posting an update on this book ever again.

Well, to be honest, I wasn't expecting to be doing this either.

Almost a year ago, I published the last chapters of this book and the acknowledgements, finally being able to mark it as complete after almost two years of writing it. When I first started this book, I had a plan to explain to you guys where my inspiration for this book came from. It was always my plan but when I finished, I was so overwhelmed I completely forgot about it and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I remembered.

That leads me to today, almost a year later when I have finally decided to that I should share this. Even though I was planning on telling you about this, I'm really freaking nervous. I've only told a few people the whole story, while some people already knew it without being told but it's different publishing it here.

This story was written based on personal events and personal feelings, albeit, largely magnified. 

The first thing you should all know is that I was a ballet dancer. Ballet was my life. I was planning on doing my intermediate exam and hopefully learning how to teach ballet. Obviously, that didn't pan out.

In May of 2014, I broke my ankle, almost 4 months before I was to do my intermediate exam. I went through two x-rays and a cat scan before they finally realised my ankle was broken. I like to consider myself lucky because if I had listened to the people at the hospital the first time, and walked on my ankle thinking it was just a sprain, I would have screws in my ankle right now. 

My doctor who saw my second x-ray really saved me from a lot of pain.

Anyway, if finally healed up and I was fine for a while. I did physio and went to classes. It was really good to be back, although I did find it very sad at times. I couldn't do what I used to do. Everything was hard and I had to get permission from my physio before doing certain things.

I do remember that there was this other girl in my class, and it was just after I had gotten my own cast off that she hurt her own foot or ankle. I wasn't sure what happened but she had a moon boot. Eventually, she came back and it was much like me, she needed permission from her physio and had to take it easy. 

Except, it was only a few weeks between her coming back and her being able to use her pointe shoes again. That was hard for me to watch. This girl, who has also had a foot/ankle injury was up on her points way before I could even properly do a plie. 

Eventually, I was allowed to put my pointe shoes back on but I couldn't do much. I was basically put back to square one. Stuck on the barre while all the other girls pranced around the room in the pointe shoes.

 So that was in 2014.

 At the start of 2015, I went back after the holidays and it didn't take long before I started noticing how much pain I was in every time I did certain moves, like plies and rises. This made me worry but I also thought that it could have been because I had taken a break. 

Not only that, but a little while later, I had finally progressed to being able to stand up on the block of my pointe shoe in the centre without a barre. Except, that first day, I almost had a full-on panic attack. No one noticed either. I was near the back, close to the barre in case of an emergency, almost in tears and barely able to breathe. I was completely freaking out.

It was then that I realised I had to make the decision between dancing with the pain and anxiety or stopping. The longer I thought about it the harder it was for me to make the decision even though part of me knew from the start that it wasn't a decision, it was a come to terms with the fact that I couldn't dance anymore. 

I finally realised that and, it was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I had been dancing since I was five and to give up something that meant the most to me is not something I would wish on anyone.

Since then, I've had my ups and downs. 

I won't lie and say it's been easy.

It's been really freaking awful. 

I know that I always tried to put up a facade when I was at school and in front of people but it was really difficult. I remember this time at school and my friends and I were doing would you rathers. The question was 'would you rather have no arms or no legs?'

I had answered 'no legs' saying that at least I could still feed myself and have some independence. Then, this girl who didn't like me for whatever reason said to me 'but then you wouldn't be able to dance ever again'.

That stung. It was like another bullet to the many others already in my chest. The silence after that was palpable. I think a lot of my friends knew, I didn't like to talk about it though, and that comment just made things so awkward.

And I think that was the day that it all became real to me. I'd kind of gone through the motions, quietly thinking to myself that maybe I'd wake up and everything would be okay but that moment, I realised it wouldn't be okay. Nothing was okay and it wouldn't be.

My favourite thing in the world had been ripped away from me for some reason that I will never know. Maybe it was to lead me here, to all of you. Maybe it was to lead me to discover my love for writing and my passion for stories.

I would like you all to know that the things Milly is feeling have been magnified throughout most of the book. I have not tried to commit suicide, nor have I debated it. I have felt a lot of the emotions Milly has experienced but that is not something I have felt.

I can promise you that.

After 3 years you would think that this would be easier to write but I have felt close to tears throughout most of this. 

It doesn't get any easier. Part of me still thinks that this is some sick joke and one day, I'll wake up and I'll be out there, on the stage wearing my pointe shoes and a tutu.

But I know that isn't true and I have to be okay with that.

 Not only that, but it's taken an hour and a half to write this because I wanted to do it right. I wanted all the ends to be tied up.

So that is where all my inspiration for Milly's story came from.

I don't know what else to say really except that 'Say You Won't Let Go' just came on and I'm having flashbacks to writing that chapter. 

Anyway, I hope that clears some things up. I know that I now feel like I've finally finished this book. This book means the world to me because it's allowed me to express my emotions and feelings towards this topic. It has helped me to cope with the entire experience. Even now, it helps. 

And now, I would like to, finally, finish this book and sign off.

It amazes me at how many of you still read this book and I am so proud to be the author of this. I am also so grateful that all of you have been here with me. 

If you're reading this, thank you. Thank you so much and I really hope that you aren't leaving. I really hope that I'll see you on some of my other books.

I love you so much.

Swag on.

~ TJ xoxoxoxo