Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Seventy Five

Chapter Seventy Five

*Ashton's P.O.V*

Most people go through life, thinking they know and understand every emotion and feeling on earth. They understand how it feels to be sad and they have seen the depression among their peers. They have experienced heartbreak and they have suffered through the green eyed monster known as jealousy. They have felt the cold blooded fear and they have witnessed the panic in their friend who has anxiety. I was one of those people. I thought I'd witnessed or experienced every emotion that is out there. I felt that way until I was sitting in this hospital room with the limp hand of the girl I love resting in my own.

It's an indescribable feeling and even if I could describe what it feels like, I wouldn't because to explain that kind of emotion would be such a burden to whoever has never experienced it firsthand. I don't know if the boys will feel that same way I am right now or if it's different for everyone, but as I stare at her pale face, her little freckles standing out on her cheeks, I know that I never want to be sitting in this god damned hospital chair as I stare at the face of someone I love. I would never wish it upon anyone. It's one of the worst and scariest feelings you can ever experience.

"Baby girl," I sigh as I rest my forehead on our joined hands, "Why? You were doing so well. It had been a few weeks since you last harmed yourself, so why now? I know that you were having a bad day today but you should have talked to me about it instead of doing this because now we're all worried sick."

I know it was more than just a bad day though. To do something this extreme, it means she was having more than just her normal bad day that I know she goes through at least six of the seven days of the week. For her to do something this extreme, she must have been feeling a lot more than she let on and it really tears me apart inside when I realise that I was too blind with sadness to realise that. Her words to me hit home and I was blinded by them and my blindness caused this. My inability to see behind her wall and her mask allowed this to happen.

Just like when I didn't reply to her messages.

I take a deep breath as I think about how I'm going to say this to her, even though I know she can't hear me, "Niall told me about the last time you did this. He told me that you had said goodbye to him and you were about to say goodbye to me. He told me that you made him promise not to tell me. Why didn't you want me to know sweetheart?"

That's what hurts the most. Knowing that for some reason, she didn't want me to know. Did she want to keep it from me so I wouldn't be thinking the same thoughts I'm thinking right now? Did she want to keep it from me because she didn't trust me enough to talk to me about it? I don't understand why she didn't want me to know, and whist I respect her decision not to tell me, it still hurts to know that she didn't want me to know.

I take a deep breath as I continue to stare at the slow and shallow rise and fall of her chest, tears still running down my cheeks, my heart still breaking, "I've never told anyone this but I feel like you need to know. Someone needs to know and I need to get this off my chest."

I take another deep breath, my eyes stinging with more tears. I don't know why I think telling her unconscious and lifeless body will make me feel better but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to tell her my most precious and guarded secret in the hopes that she may somehow hear what I'm saying and it will help her. I know that that sort of things only happens in fairy tales, the person unconscious on the hospital bed hears what is being said and they take that knowledge and use it to help themselves or others, but I can still dream.

"God, I have no idea how to say this to you Milly. I know that I can trust you with all of the things going on inside my heart and head," well most of it. I still can't tell you to your face that I'm in love with you, "But this just seems that much harder for me to do. It feels like there is this weight pushing down on my chest and I can't breathe. Is this how you feel all the time Mil because this is really not healthy."

Not only is this feeling not healthy, it's incredibly dangerous. To keep things bottled up inside only adds to that pressure, making you feel worse. Even though I asked her limp body, I still know that this is how she feels almost every moment of every day. She's said it to me before, over and over again, as she sobs into my chest but experiencing this feeling only adds to my understand of why she is so broken. She's so closed off from everyone with so many walls blocking people from getting in, that she can't talk to anyone to get the dangerous thoughts out of her mind and off her chest and it only keeps adding to the pressure.

It only makes it harder to breathe.

And that's why I'm going to tell her this. I need to tell her these things so I can breathe again, so I can help Milly. I am going to tell her these things so that I feel better and I can help her feel better because I know that if you want to help someone, it's a lot harder to do if you are broken and in need of help as well.

"You're probably going to hate me for this but I need to tell you. Back before I first saw your messages, I was sobbing on the floor in my bathroom with a razor in my hand and blood covering my wrist. I had told the world I'd stopped but in reality, I was only getting worse. My mind was a mess as I scrolled through twitter and your message popped up. That was when I realised that I needed to be strong. I had to be strong because my fans looked up to me when they couldn't be strong themselves."

I feel a sob escape my mouth as the words I've wanted to say to her since the first day I held her in my arms finally escape my mouth, "You saved me from ending it all and you don't even realise it."

So guys, this is the same chapter as I published this morning, I am just hoping now that the comments work and the story part 'can be found' Just let me know on my page if it still doesn't work.

This chapter is so sad, it hurts my fragile heart!!

God I am so tired guys. It hasn't even been a whole week of school and I'm ready for another holiday. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do my HSC if I'm being honest.

The lines in this authors notes are going to be so messed up because I'm doing it in my phone. Lol.

I have no idea how many times I say this but my authors notes are so boring. I am literally the least interesting author in the world, let's be honest here guys.

QOTC: How often do you cry when a character is killed off in a book??

I usually cry all the time, by only if I have grown attached to the character. If they are evil or have only been in it for a few chapters of what not, I won't cry but other that, I full on sob. I just grow attached to characters so easily it's a bit ridiculous. 

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo