Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Seventy Six

Chapter Seventy Six

*Milly's P.O.V*

I can feel this excruciatingly sharp pain in both my arms and my legs feel  heavy yet there is a tingling feeling in my toes and fingers. All I can smell is the eye burning antiseptic smell that you would usually associate with hospitals. But what stands out the most is the strong warm hand that rests in my own, the grip tight and but soft at the same time. 

"Milly? Oh my god!"

Why does that person sound so panicked? Why does that person sound like they could start crying at any moment? Why does that person sound so heart broken? And that's when I realise where I must be and why that person's voice sounds like that. I tried to end it all and someone, Ashton I think, found me and must have called an ambulance. Now that I think about it, the way I did it honestly wasn't the best way to have done it. It was easier for them to save me this way. If I had taken pills or jumped off a bridge, maybe I wouldn't be lying here in this hospital bed.

"Baby girl, can you hear me?"

Ashton.

I almost let out a sigh of relief when I hear his voice. That is the only thing I regret about trying to commit suicide. It would have hurt Ash so much, he would have been so hurt. But I guess that wasn't what was spinning through my mind at the time. All I could think about was the guilt in the pit of my stomach and the voices in my head telling me that I'm a terrible person and should just end it now. I didn't even stop to think about how this would affect Ashton, or even Niall. It would have hurt them more than I could imagine. Well, I think that they care about me enough that it would hurt them.

"Mil, please? Can you open your eyes?" Ashton pleads again, his voice breaking which twists my heart painfully. 

I feel my eyes flutter a little bit before they open slowly, the harsh lights of the hospital blurring my vision even more. I hear a few sighs of relief throughout the room which sends another pang of guilt moving through me. I hurt them. I scared them. I may or may not have made them cry. I tried to kill myself and they had to pay the price. I cannot comprehend the guilt that is coursing through my veins right now, it's hot and heavy and it makes me want to cry until all the water in my body has evaporated from my cheeks. 

"Thank god," Ashton sobs, what I have now identified as his hand tightening around my own, "You gave me a heart attack baby girl."

I look over at him, his beautiful hazel eyes glossy and full to the brim with unshed tears that I caused, "I'm sorry."

My voices is low and raspy, very much unlike my usual voice and I think Ashton has realised that because I see a tear escape and roll silently down his soft cheek. I reach up, my hand shaky with a few needles pricking my skin, and wipe it away. I cannot stand to see Ashton cry. It hurts me more than the guilt of what I did, to know that boy I am in love with is hurting causes such an indescribable pain in my chest.

I watch as he gulps before taking my hand in his own again, "You have nothing to apologise for gorgeous. You did nothing wrong. Please don't be sorry." 

Gorgeous. He called me gorgeous. I know that I am not gorgeous, I'm not even pretty, but when that word rolls of Ashton's tongue, it sends shivers down my spine and causes butterflies to erupt in my stomach. For him to say something like that to me means more than I think he realises. I may not believe him due to my low self esteem and trust issues, but like any girl, when a guy you care about says that to you, it makes you feel better about yourself, even if it only lasts a second before you're back to being that insecure girl with a hopeless crush.

"But I do," I mumble, my own eyes filling with hot tears, "I tried to commit suicide and I hurt you all more than I hurt myself. I have everything to be sorry for."

"No baby, you don't," Ashton says softly, his comforting voice relaxing the muscles in my body, "Yes, it hurt us and scared us but you know what? You don't have to apologise for what you did. You had every right to do what you did. The voices in your head were screaming at you and you finally gave in because you've been strong for so long and you couldn't hold on anymore. You don't have to apologise for wanting to leave this earth Milly."

"Ashton's right Milly," I hear Niall say from the other side of my bed, his voice soft as well, "You don't have to apologise to us. You don't even have to explain why you did it."

I let out a sigh, the tears finally streaming down my pale cheeks, "But I do have to apologise. It was the guilt and the voices inside my head that caused me to do it and now I feel even more guilty than before."

"Why would you feel guilty love? You didn't do anything," Liam asks me, his Wolverhampton accent calming me even more.

I don't know what it is about Liam's accent but I've always found it calming. Maybe it's just the way he is much older than he's years or maybe it's the fact that he uses very calming words and his accent just intensifies them. I don't know what it is but even Ashton has noticed how his voice can calm me down. Even though it can, Ashton is the only one that van really calm me down. Sure, Liam has a bit of an effect but Ashton's voice, his accent, his giggle, it's like morphine to me. It takes away the pain, the jitters, the anxiety.

"Because I hurt you all. You have no idea how much that guilt fuels the voices in my head and makes me want to commit suicide even more than I did before." 

Guys...I've just been thinking, this book really needs to come to an end soon but I feel like there hasn't really been a climax in this story. I feel like there have been a few bumps along the road but no mountains to climb. I don't know what to do...

I would love to finish this book on like chapter 100 but if I can't think of something intense to happen then I don't know what I'm going to do -_-

Actually...scrap that. I just thought of an sort of alright idea. It still needs a few tweaks but I think it'll work. Hopefully. Fingers crossed!

QOTC: Is a pessimist's blood B-negative??

hehehehehe

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo