Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Eighty Two

Chapter Eighty Two

The shock coursing through my veins causes my entire body to freeze up, allowing his lips to mold against my own for a few moments. But as the shock slowly begins to wear off, my lips  and my brain begin to realise how wrong this is. Not only do I not think of Liam in this way, he's just not Ashton.

The amount of times I've thought to myself of how Ashton's lips would feel against my own is immensely creepy but in a 'I have an extremely terrible crush' kind of way that I'm sure everyone has felt once in their lives. But to feel Liam's lips against my own, only fuels my feelings for Ashton. I've always known that Ashton would never feel the same way as I do and I thought that maybe kissing someone else would help take away those feelings.

I was too scared to try that though but now it doesn't matter. Here Liam is, his lips pressed against my own, and all I can think about is that curly haired cutie that I should be mad at but I know I'm not. 

Finally, my brain kicks in fully and I pull away from Liam before looking down at my hands, not daring to look into his eyes. His beautiful puppy dog brown eyes that would be so full of hurt and confusion that looking into them would only fuel the guilt that has been eating away at me since the day on the plane. Hurting Liam was not something I thought I would be doing anytime soon.

I shouldn't be surprised though, I seem to be hurting everyone as of late.

"I...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," he stutters, his voice a weak whisper, "I'll see you later."

And with that, Liam's gone as well. 

But the worst part is, my heart isn't aching for Liam. My heart is aching for the boy I'm so helplessly in love with. My heart is aching for the boy who told me to get over myself. My heart is aching for the boy I know I can never have, even if he did love me the way I love him. 

I let my eyes wander around the dark hotel room, the only light coming from the moon shining in the open balcony window. As I try to take my mind off of Ashton, my eyes come to land on the one thing my mind is unconsciously calling me to pick up.

My guitar.

I haven't touched my guitar in such a long time and I can almost feel my fingers calling out to just hold the smooth wood in my hands. I quickly stand up before walking over to the desk where the guitar has been sitting. I open the case and pull out the guitar, almost sighing at the familiar feel of it under my fingers. Walking over to the balcony, I sit down against the frame, crossing my legs and sitting the guitar in my lap.

I met you in the dark, you lit me up.
You made me feel as though I was enough.

I begin singing James Arthur's latest song, knowing exactly how accurate it is. One of the most memorable memories I have of Ashton is the day I met him. The day he turned up at my front door in the pitch black. Honestly, that moment changed a lot of things for me. It was the start of what could have been a happier future for me.

Whilst it hasn't really worked out one hundred percent as of yet, I know that he's helped a lot. He lit me up. He made my heart pump faster. He made me smile more than I have in a long time. He made me feel like I'm enough just the way I am, even though I don't believe it most of the time. He made me know what it's like to love someone. All without knowing that he has.

I knew I loved you then,
but you'd never know.

And I doubt he ever will know because I won't be telling him due to his lack of mutual feelings.

I know I needed you,
but I never showed.

I've never really shown Ashton how much I need him but some days I think he understands just how much I need him. Some days it's as if he can read my mind and knows exactly how I will react if he's not there with me. Maybe it's because he felt the same way at some point in his life but never had anyone there to be with him. I don't know what it is but I cannot express how grateful I am that he's here for me.