Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Eighty

Chapter Eighty

*Ashton's P.O.V*

"That's not true," I argue straight away, ignoring the pang of jealousy running through my veins.

"Like I said Ash, you're oblivious. Maybe you should open your eyes a little bit so you can see what we're all talking about," he sighs before walking inside and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

The moment he leaves, the guilt and the jealousy bombard my brain, leaving me confused as the emotions mix together. I'm jealous that Liam loves Milly but I shouldn't be because he just said that she loves me and yet, I know that isn't true. Well, even if it was, it's definitely not now. There is no way she could love me after I yelled at her like I did. I wouldn't love me if I was in her position.

But I know she didn't love me like I love her before that anyway. Especially from the way she freaked out when I told her I loved her that first time. There is no way that she loves me as anything more than a friend. Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up with Niall even though she says he's like a brother to her. And if she doesn't get with Niall, she'll probably end up with Liam because they seem closer than Liam is letting on.

"Where is he?" I hear an Irish voice yell from inside and I can't help it as my throat closes up in fear.

Niall is going to be furious at me. He's going to hate me and probably kill me for what I said to her. I deserve it though. If you love someone you don't say those things to them. You don't say those things to anyone period. And now that Niall knows what I said to her and has probably been in to see her, he's going to murder me.

"Ashton Fletcher Irwin you get your little Australian butt in here right now!" he yells.

I instantly obey him, not wanting him to get even madder then he already is. When Niall gets mad, you don't want to be in a five mile radius of him so fueling his anger is really not the best idea. I pull myself off the cold floor of the balcony before slowly walking inside, my head down and tears on my cheeks. Not that me crying will make him less mad, I just hope it will show him that I regret what I said and hate myself for it.

"You are such a jerk Ashton! Why the hell would you say that to her? I thought you understood what she was going through and then you go and tell her to get over herself? It's honestly taking all my will power to not go over there and start punching you. The only reason I'm not is because I know that Milly wouldn't want me to!"

I look up and into his blue eyes that are filled with fire and rage, my mind running wild as I think about what I'm going to say to him, "I want you to punch me."

There is a silence for a moment before Niall's weak voice rings in my ears, his eyes full of confusion, "What?"

"I said I want you to punch me. I want you to come over here and beat me up because I deserve it. I'm a terrible person and a terrible friend. What I said to Milly was wrong on so many levels and the more I think about what I said, the more I want to throw up and how disgusting I am," I say quietly.

"Well then," Niall says harshly, his voice cold as stone, "I'm definitely not going to beat you up now. Not when you want me to do it so that it will relieve some of the guilt I can tell you're feeling. I'm just going to let you suffer. Oh, and if you go near Milly, I won't try and stop myself from punching you."

My mind goes blank at his words and all I think about is how I'm supposed to apologise if I can't see her. If I can't go near her then I can't tell her how sorry I am for what I said and if I can't tell her how sorry I am for what I said then I can't fix my relationship with her. And as much as I want to head Niall's warning, I can't because I cannot live without Milly in my life.

"How am I supposed to apologise to her then?"

"You should have thought about that before you said what you did. To late now isn't it?" Niall spits before walking away and into the room that Milly and I used to share.

Before I can stop myself, I feel my knees give out from underneath me, and I go crashing down to the floor as more sobs rack through my body. I'm such an idiot. I'm such a horrible and worthless person. All I do is cause people pain and make them hate me. I don't know why I stayed around. If I could go back to the day when Milly messaged me, stopping me from killing myself, maybe I wouldn't have stopped. Maybe I would have continued.

No! No, I wouldn't continue. I wouldn't kill myself. I wouldn't because if I did then Milly would succeed in her attempt at suicide. If anything, I wouldn't even go back to an hour ago to take back what I said. I would go back to a few weeks ago the day I found her lying on that bathroom floor and I would stop her from attempting to kill herself. Then she wouldn't be on antidepressants, I wouldn't have said the things I said and everything would be fine.

And I say fine because it would be a lie. Milly would still be depressed and want to hurt herself, I would still be beating myself up over not messaging her sooner and Niall would never of had to tell me that she'd tried to kill herself before. 

I want to go back to when everything was fine.

Fine is such a stupid word don't you think. It means so many different things and it's just another mask to hide behind :(

So I got this birthday card for my friend cause I'm going to her party tonight and it says 'Compliments are a lot like cake...On your birthday there is no such thing as "too much".' I think it's so cool, especially the fact that the front is covered in pink glitter.

Thank you Big W for having awesome sparkly cards. I'm definitely buy more of those for friends birthdays lol.

Ewww now I have to go and do some of my assignment :(

YAY!!!

QOTC: Can animals commit suicide?

I've never thought about it before actually. I mean, they can it's more the case of would they commit suicide...

ILYSM! 

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo