Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Seventy Seven

Chapter Seventy Seven

All the boys, except for Ashton, left after I muttered those few words. Ashton just looked at them all for a few moments and then they all stood up and left, telling me they would be back soon. I know Ashton is just worried but honestly, he doesn't need to worry. While the words I spoke may be true, I'm not going to try it again. Not for a while at least. As much as I don't want to be alive anymore, I guess I owe it to Ashton to stick around for a little while longer, to see if I could possibly get better.

I thought I was getting better. Having Ashton around was definitely helping me get better but then, on the plane, all that progress came crashing down and I'm back to square one. I don't think he realises that the voices in my dream pushed me closer to the edge he was slowly helping me back away from, before they pushed me back over. I fell and I tried to hold on to a branch but my fingers slowly slipped and I fell back into the black abyss that is my depression and self hate.

I hear a strangled sob escape from Ashton's lips and when I look over to him, he has tears running down his cheeks quicker than before, "Ash."

"Baby girl," he sniffs, his voice breaking, "I...I just. Why Milly? Why would you want to do that? You know you can talk to me about anything. I'm here for you and you know that but damn Mil. I think I died a little bit inside when I found you."

"I know and I'm sorry. It's just, I felt bad for what I said to you and I just, I thought I hurt you more then you were letting on and I felt so guilty for it. And now, here I am. All because the voices in my head rule over my life," I sigh.

"They don't have to control your life Mil."

"They don't have to but they do because I can't stop them. I cannot stop them from screaming at me every second of every day. I thought I could escape them in my sleep but they still manage to wiggle their way into my dreams."

I suppose that's why I was worse before Ashton came along. I mean, yes, he has helped me in many other ways but he also helped me to fall asleep. Something about sleeping next to him, his warmth radiating around me and covering me in a blanket of comfort, helped me to fall asleep and at the time, sleep was an escape from the voices in my head. So when I could fall asleep for longer periods of time and more often, the voices were lessened and I didn't hear their taunts. 

Maybe if Ashton didn't read my messages and come to see me, I'd be dead  by now and the voices would have disappeared along with me.

"Milly," Ashton says quietly, his hand grasping my own, "I know that you feel bad for what you said to me but don't. Yes, it hurt me because I care about you but I know what it's like to have voices tell you that you're not good enough and that no one wants you. I know why you wanted to push me away. You were scared you would get hurt in the long run but I'm not going to hurt you baby girl. To leave you and hurt you like that would be impossible to do without hurting myself in the process."

I take a deep breath as I look into his hazel eyes which are full of enough emotion that I could swim in it, "I want to believe you but so many people have told me that and then left me. It's hard for me to trust anyone when they say that."

"How can I prove to you that I'm here to stay Mil?" he pleads, his hand gripping onto mine a little bit tighter. 

I shrug my shoulder at him, a sigh escaping my chapped lips, "I don't know Ashton. I don't know."

And I can honestly say I have no idea. I suppose it's because it's hard to think of ways to help yourself get better. It's hard to think of ways for someone to help build your trust back up enough that you don't push them away every few moments because you're scared they will leave. It's also hard to think of these things when no one has ever cared enough to ask that question. 

"I'm going to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere baby girl. Now, move on over so I can give you a hug," he laughs while standing up.

I move over on the bed and Ashton climbs on before carefully wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. I rest my head against his toned chest, right above his heart that echos loud and clear in my ear, reminding me that he is still breathing. I know, it sounds so stupid to say that because it's so obvious. I mean, obviously if he's sitting next to me it means that he's still breathing but I mean something completely different.

Ashton was in the same place as me once upon a time but he's here, with his arms around me, breathing. He may have scars but they just prove that he's battled his own mind and survived and I suppose that should be enough to help me make it through this. If Ashton can do it, I should be able to do it as well. 

I guess it's more than that though. Ashton is such a strong person. Yes, he's physically strong but I mean that he has a strong mind and I know for a fact that I don't have that. I am nowhere near as strong minded as Ashton is and I know I never will be. To be as half as strong as him would be such an amazing thing because to be as half as strong as he is means that I should be able to get through almost everything life throws at me. But I know that that won't happen. I'll never be anywhere near that strong.

I guess I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

SO SAD :(

GUYS!!!! I SAW THE TRAILER FOR FALLEN BY LAUREN KATE TODAY AND I THINK I ALMOST DIED! MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED AND I ALMOST CRIED AND I WAS IN MY SOFTWARE CLASS WHEN I SAW MY FRIEND WATCHING IT AND I WAS AN EMBARRASSING MESS!

The video up the top is the trailer. Y'all should all watch it because it's freaking amazing and I love the series. It's great. And it was worse watching that trailer and knowing everything that happens, that's why I dies more then anyone else watching it who's never read the books would have.

I really have to read those books again. But then I have so many other books I need to read and not enough time to do it. At the moment I'm re-reading If I Stay by Gayle Forman...so sad :( 

What are you guys reading at the moment??

I'm also reading The Crucible by Arthur Miller in English and I'll be reading The Twelfth Night by Shakespeare in Extension English soon. So many books...Not that I mind. I love reading almost as much as I love writing.

QOTC: If 'pro' and 'con' are opposites, shouldn't the opposite of 'progress' be 'congress'?

I never thought about it that way before but it's a very interesting idea.

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo