Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Fifty

Chapter Fifty

After a few hours of talking to the boys, and me being extremely quiet, they say goodbye and we hang up. As I close the lid to my laptop, I can feel Ashtons' stare on my face. I ignore him by staring at my hands, which are sitting in my lap. My wrists are stinging but I try my hardest to ignore the pain.

"Milly," Ash says warily and I inwardly cringe because he never calls me by my full name.

"Yeah Ash," I mumble while looking at him from the corner of my eye.

"What did you do?" he mutters while turning me around on the stool to face him.

"Nothing, I just needed a minute," I say while my eyes flicker from my hands to his face and back again.

"Milly, please don't lie to me baby. I can't take it," he says while pushing himself up from the stool to stand right in front of me.

"Nothing Ash. I didn't do anything," I lie.

"Milly!" he says while running both his hands through his hair, "I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were Ash."

"Well, you may as well have because it's like you think I don't know what's going on," he says angrily while pacing away from me, his hands still in his hair.

"Well what is going on Ash? If you know what's going on, why did you ask? Because right now, you're getting mad at me for having emotions, and that hurts more than you know 'cause you know that I wish I didn't have emotions. You know that"

"I do know that Mil, I do and I'm sorry. But all I want to know is why you hurt yourself?" he mumbles as he comes back over to me.

Once he reaches me, he picks up one of my wrists and pulls up my sleeve, his eyes glossing over when he sees that bandages. I watch as he slowly starts to unwrap them, the red colour of my blood slowly starting to show. Ash lets his tears fall as the bandage falls from my wrist to the floor.

"No, no, no, no baby. Please tell me you didn't. Please baby girl," his whispers over and over.

I just stay quiet, staring at the scars that line my pale wrists. It hurts me more than before to realise that I've become someone I said I'd never be. I said to myself as I was growing up that I wouldn't be the girl who self harms. I said to myself that I would never be the girl who lets her emotions get in the way of her friendships. I said to myself that I would do whatever I could to be that girl who's always happy and makes other people happy too.

And look where I ended up.

Here.

With a famous pop star standing in front of me, crying as he looks at the scars that line my wrists. The scars that line the depressed girls wrists. The scars that line the depressed, friendless girls wrists.

I promised myself.

I promised.

And I broke that promise.

I broke it so much.

I feel like I've let everyone down and they don't even know about it. I feel like everyone just automatically knows what's been going on. And that they are all going to look at me different and feel let down. 

I don't know how to fix it because the damage is always going to be done.

These scars are going to mark my body for the rest of my life.

And the worst thing is, because I'll never get rid of these scars, it will always remind me of my past and everything I lost.

I want to forget everything.

I want to forget everything that I lost.

But the thing is, these scars will remind me of everything I'm trying to forget.

Which makes it impossible.

"Baby, what are you thinking?" Ash mumbles while running his thumb over my cheek.

"That I'm never going to just be able to forget," I say as a tear slides down my cheek.

"Forget what?"

"Everything."

"Why would you want to forget the most important part of you Milly? Why would you want to just throw away your whole life?"

"Because it's killing me Ash."

"Baby no, no. It's not killing you. It's jut trying to get to you, but you need to be stronger than it. You can be stronger than it. I know you can be, you just need someone or some people to help lift you up again. And that's what I'm here for. That's what the boys are here for," he says while wiping away my tears and looking straight into my eyes.

"I don't think you understand Ash. I can't even be lifted up anymore. I'm too far under for that," I say while thinking back.

"What do you mean baby girl?"

"Nothing. Don't worry Ash," I say as I look down.

"Alright... Now let me wrap this up then we can go cuddle and watch a movie or something, okay?" Ash adds.

"Okay," I mumble, smiling slightly at the thought of cuddling with Ash.

Maybe, just maybe, Ash could pull me up.

I don't think it's possible but he seems so hopeful that he can do it.

That he can save me from the demons that are dragging me down.

But even if he does help me, there will always be demons.

You can't fight all of them off.

Even the happiest of people have demons. They just don't haunt them. They are just hidden away, in the shadows waiting for the right time to pounce. 

Even the people that spend their life running away from the demons, they always catch up. There is no way around it. It's inevitable. It always happens.

And these are the things that people don't realise until their demons have caught up to them. And it makes me envy them, because I want to just keep running, not knowing that one day that will catch up. Not knowing that no matter how far I run, they will always find me. That's the life I want. 

I don't want to spend my life wondering when those demons are going to take me away. I want to spend my life running and not worrying about when they will take me away.

That's all I wish.

It may seem strange that I'm not wising for the ability to dance again but the thing is, I could dance my demons away but they would always come back. But if I could just get rid of them, maybe I could forget my love of dance and find something else that makes me happy.

Just maybe.

"You ready baby girl?" Ash mumbles while holding his hand out to me.

I nod, place my hand hesitantly in his and just hope that I can forget my demons for just a few hours.

OMG!!!! SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING LAST WEEK! WHOOPS, I'M SO SO SORRY!

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