Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Seventy Eight

Chapter Seventy Eight

They gave me pills.

They gave me lots and lots of pills.

They gave me so many pills to take every single day and now, I don't even feel like myself. Yes, the want to go and jump off a bridge is gone, even if it's only for a few moments, but instead I'm replaced with this emptiness. I thought I felt empty before, but the pills full of 'happiness' just made it even worse. It's like my mind is a barren wasteland. There is nothing there.

Very few thoughts roam through my mind every day and the ones that do, I usually spend all day thinking about while staring blankly at a wall. I try to get up and do something productive but it's hard. I find it hard to move. I find it hard to find the will to even get up and go and get something to eat. Usually one of the boys ends up bringing me something, even if I don't ask them. 

That's another thing, the boys took me to their opening night concert and all I did was stare at the ground, the music echoing through my empty body. All those people were out there, having loads of fun and I could barely even move from my seat. The One Direction boys tried talking to me, tried to 'cheer' me up, but just like the music, their voices just echoed around my empty body. I couldn't find the will to answer them or fake a smile.

The doctors, they told me that these pills would make me feel better, but if anything, they make me feel worse. I would honestly rather think about jumping off a bridge or swallowing tonnes of pills then feel like this. I would rather be able to fake a smile then feel like this. I don't feel like myself. Whilst I don't even remember how I used to feel back before everything went downhill, I know it wasn't like this. It definitely wasn't like this.

I could smile, I could talk, I could get up and walk around. I could have a shower without spending half an hour in there just staring at the wall as the boiling hot water scalds my skin. I could sit and read a book for hours without losing my place every few seconds. I could go most nights without crying myself to sleep. I could fall asleep without the need of a certain Australian drummer. 

"Milly, how are you feeling today baby girl?" Ashton asks me as he comes into the bedroom.

My eyes slowly flicker up to look at him before coming back to rest on the bare wall before me. Ashton looks like hell. His beautiful curly hair is lying limply around his face and dark bags line his eyes. I guess he's like me and hasn't been getting much sleep. But unlike me, he isn't used to it and the lack of sleep is taking its toll on him. 

"Baby girl, please talk to me," Ashton pleads as he sits down next to me on the bed, "It's killing me to see you like this."

I want to talk to him but I can't. I cannot find the will to open my mouth and let the words pass by my lips. I want him to now that it's killing me too, not being able to talk to him and joke around like we used to, but I can't. I can't even move my lips.

"Is it the pills they're making you take? Is that what's making you feel like this Mil?" he asks, his voice slightly hysteric, "I know you aren't going to talk so can you at least give me a way to know if that's what it is. I don't know, blink once for yes and twice for no."

Blink.

I hear him let out a heavy sigh before his head comes to rest lightly on my shoulder, "They're supposed to make you feel better Mil, not like this. I think we need to take you back to get them reevaluated." 

I feel my eyes open wider in fear, my usually even breathing stuttering. I cannot go back there, I cannot go back to that hospital and for the first time in nine days, I stutter out a word, "No."

"What do you mean 'no' Milly?" he exclaims as he moves in front of me and looks into my eyes, not caring that I actually spoke to him, "You have to go back! You can't continue like this, it's not healthy. Staring at a wall all day, not speaking to anyone, it's not good for you. You have to go back and get them changed!"

I will not go back to that hospital. I hate hospitals with a passion. I know it's not the hospitals fault that I broke my knee in the first place but I still hate them because that's where I spent a lot of time with my knee. It brings back bad memories. I know Ashton would understand if I told him that and he would find another way to get my medicine changed but I cannot get the words to pass by my lips.

It seems as if that single word I spoke before was the only thing I will be saying for a while.

"Milly! For God's sake would you talk to me please! I want to help you but you won't even talk to me! You won't look me in the eye for more than a few seconds and the only time you will come near me on purpose is at night when I lay down next to you! It hurts me more than you know but this is getting ridiculous," he yells as he stands up from the bed and paces around the small room.

I know he's right but I still can't talk to him. I can't find the motivation to do it, despite the aching in my chest as I think about the curly haired drummer hurting. I hate hurting him but I feel like this is something I have no control over. I can't control the fact that my lips don't want to move and my body and mind wants to be alone.

"You know what, I'm done. I'm freaking done! I've tried so damn hard to help you lately Milly but you won't even acknowledge me. When you're ready to get over yourself and your mental illness, come and talk to me but until then, stay the hell away!" he screams at me before storming out the room, the door slamming behind him.

........................

Wow.

Ash, I thought you cared about her. 

Obviously we were all wrong :(

But seriously, I think Ashton may have over reacted. What do you guys think about it??

I am actually so tired and I have a cold and my nose it so itchy from hay fever and I think I'm dying but you know what, who cares. No one. 

Meh...I am actually going to have to do schoolwork tomorrow guys. I've been back at school for two weeks and I already have three assignments. I'm going to try and knock one of them out of the park tomorrow. I don't know which one though, either music or software. Not my CaFS one cause that will need a lot more thought.

QOTC: If bread is square, why is sandwich meat round??

Good question, I would like to know the answer.

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo