"Milly? Milly, come on hun it's time to wake up," I hear Calum whisper, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder.
Yeah, it would be time to wake up if I had even fallen asleep. I have been lying here for about an hour with my eyes closed but the voices in my head won't shut up. They just keep screaming at me, repeating the words I already know. Bringing me down even further than I thought I could be.
"Milly, I know you're awake. I know you don't want to wake up, but you need to love. We've got to get off the plane and go to the hotel," he sighs.
He has no idea how badly I wish I could never wake up. He has no idea how badly I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up, never open my eyes again to see the way my life has become. To never wake up would be a blessing in disguise. The voices would go away and so would all the pain and hurt. And all that would be left is a peaceful darkness.
I hear Calum sigh again before he mumbles something to himself that I don't hear. And then, his arms wiggle under my body and he picks me up, bringing me to his chest, "I'm sorry Mil but we have to go."
I rest my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck and keeping my eyes closed, before I let my weak and broken voice ring out in the silent plane, "If Ashton asks, I'm asleep."
"Mil," Calum says wearily, his sentence trailing off at the end.
"Please," I beg while opening my eyes and looking up at him only to see him already looking at me.
He stares at me for a few moments before he lets out a long breath, "Okay but you really need to talk to him Mil. He's really upset."
"Thanks Cal," I mumble while closing my eyes again and ignoring the last part of his sentence.
I feel so bad that I had to do this to Ashton but it's for the best. It's for the best for him because honestly, it isn't keeping from getting hurt like I thought because it hurts like a hole being blown in my chest. A hell of a lot. But I suppose it will help me in the long run when he would have realised that I'm not worth it and that he doesn't love me. Doing this is saving me from the future.
"Is she okay?"
His voice moves through me like a tidal wave, igniting the fire in my bones and causing tears to try and escape through my closed lids. I don't know how I'm going to live without him. The regret fires up and becomes one thousand times worse worse when I hear how broken and raw his voice sounds but there is no going back. The damage is done.
I want to call myself an idiot for pushing him away like this but that's not true. It's better for us both and I just need to tell myself that one million more times before it finally sinks in.
"She's just asleep," Calum lies, keeping up on his word.
"Do you want me to carry her?"
No, Calum. Please say no. I should have known he would ask that. I should have known this would happen and I should have told Calum to say no. Oh God, he's going to say yes. I know he is.
"If you don't mind," Calum answers and I feel all the air escape my lungs, "I have to go and grab a few more things off the plane."
I feel Ashton place his arms underneath me and just like that, I'm in his arms once more. I can deny it as much as I want to but I know that this is where I want to be. I want to be in his arms. I want him to hold me and tell me its okay but I know that's never going to happen again. It can't happen again.
"Milly, why have you got to do this to me?" I hear Ashton mumble, his voice soft and broken, "It hurts like hell that you're pushing me away like this but I suppose you have a reason. I know I don't know everything about your past but I would love to know it all. I would love to know everything but I know that you don't want that anymore."
But I do. I want that so much but I can't deal with this constant fear of him breaking my heart when he finally leaves me. I can't deal with the voices in my head that constantly tell me that I'm not good enough for him. I can't be with him when every time I look at him or he looks at me, the voices in my head tell me that he doesn't care.
"God I wish I knew how to fix this baby girl. I wish I knew how to make this better and make you feel like you don't have to push me away but I don't know how. But I do know that I'll stay here by your side even when you don't want me to do that because I'm not leaving you."
At his words, I let a sob escape my mouth. A broken hearted, painful sob that rocks through my bones and shatters my heart and mind. The tears squeeze past my closed eye lids and begin streaming down my face.
"Baby girl? What's wrong?" Ashton's panicky voice rings in my ears.
"Why?" I stutter out, my eyes fluttering open and more tears streaming down my cheeks, "I've been nothing but horrible to you. I've pushed you away and I've hurt you. I don't deserve you treating me like this. I'm worthless and broken and yet you treat me as if I've done nothing to you."
"I treat you like this because I love you baby girl and I can see the light inside of you. I can see that light inside of you trying to break through. It seeps out of the small cracks every now and then and it's so bright and gorgeous and I know that one day your walls will finally crumble around you and that light will escape and it will be the most beautiful thing in the world. And I want to help you do that baby girl."
I have literally been working on this all day and I've only just finished it and tbh I'm not that happy with it but here it is. I can always come back and fix it if I need to so it's not that bad.
Guys I came up with yet ANOTHER story idea and I love it but it's like all my other ones, I'm never going to have enough time to write it but I made a book cover for it and I thought I'd show it to you guys.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
So what do y'all think?
I will probably publish that one next once I write a few chapters of it and get ahead in all of my other books. Anyway, there's another one to add to my collection. I have literally got so many book ideas up my sleeve and I love heaps of them and I just don't have enough time to write. It's frustrating!!
Anyway guys, for those of you that read BATTLE OF THE BANDS, I changed it to a Liam Payne fan fic because...well because I thought it was appropriate. But yeah.
QOTC: Is sand called sand because it's between the sea and the land??
HITS BLUNT!
DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT AND VOTE AND SHARE THE LOVE MY NERDS!! LET'S GET THIS BOOK OUT TO THE WORLD ONCE MORE! Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
