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Chapter Eighty Four

Chapter Eighty Four

*Milly's P.O.V*

Tying of the end of my braid, I push it behind my shoulder before walking slowly walking out of the en suit, without my crutches. Ever since talking the boys yesterday, I've decided that I really need to try. I really need to try and get better on my own. Their words are fueling my need to get better and I can't help but have them on constant replay in my head. 

I let out another sob, my body shaking with the force of the pain, "I more than miss him Luke. I feel like I can't breathe without him. I need him more than I need air. I need him more than I need those depression pills."

The room is silent for a moment before Calum speaks up, "Then go and talk to him Mil. Go find him and talk to him."

Shaking my head, I let out another sob, "I can't Cal. I can't do that. One, because what he said to me really hurt me and I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive that. Two, because if Ashton really felt the same way I do about him, he wouldn't have said what he did or he would have come and apologised. And third, I can't forgive him without hurting Niall and Liam at the same time."

"Well then, maybe you should just do it yourself," Michael grins as he looks straight into my eyes, his own eyes full of light.

"What do you mean  by 'do it myself'?"

"Well," he trails off while looking away, "I'm saying that you should try and learn to breathe on your own. You stand up there and you learn to do everything on your own. You don't need Ashton to help you breathe. He was your crutch and now it's time for you to leave the crutch behind and do it on your own. It's time for you to let that light out."

"It's not that easy Mikey," I sigh.

"I know it's not but you can do it. You're a strong girl and we all know you can do it. Just leave Ashton behind and be that strong and feisty girl we all know you can be." 

"So you're saying that I shouldn't talk to Ashton anymore?" I question, my mind going into a frenzy as I try to think about what he said.

"No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that until he gets over himself and comes and makes up with you, you should just learn to do it on your own. That way, if anything else ever happens, you know you can do it without him. You know that you can breathe on your own."

After that, Louis barged in, telling the boys that it was time to share me. And whilst I tried to ignore what Michael had said to me, as I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, his words kept replaying in my head until I realised he was right. I do need to learn how to be my own person, my own crutch. So I woke up this morning and decided to ditch the crutches and wear the only pair of shorts I bought with me.

It may not seem like a huge achievement but I honestly hate the scar on my knee and I don't really want anyone to see it, but today is a new day. As I walk out of the hotel room, I spot the boys all sitting at the table, eating breakfast. Guess they thought I don't want breakfast. I suppose I should have expected it though, I don't usually eat but they still ask me.

"Morrning boys," I say quietly.

"Morning Mil, how are-" Harry's voice cuts out as soon as he turns around to look at me.

"Hey Mil..." Calum trails off when he turns around to look at me but I see his eyes flicker down to my knee and I can't help but mentally face palm. 

As soon as both Harry and Calum let their sentences trail off, the rest of the boys look up at me, only to stop and stare. At my knee. And now I can't help but think abotu how stupid I am. How did I not realise what wearing shorts would do. How on earth could I be so stupid as to not think about what the boys would do once they saw my scar. I mean, Ashton full on freaked out when he saw it. Good job Milly. What a great start in my process of getting better.

"Alright, time for me to answer your unasked questions. Yes, I'm wearing shorts. Yes, you can see my scar. Yes, I'm regretting wear these shorts now. Yes, I haven't got my crutches. No, my knee doesn't hurt," I sigh, counting off all the things in my head as I think about questions they could possibly ask me.

"I...wow," Michael mutters, "Wait, you took my advice didn't you?"

"Yeah I did. It's time for me to do this on my own. Time for me to be my own crutch," I try and say as strongly as I can while also glancing at Ashton from the corner of my eye.

But when he pushes away from the table with a huff and storms off down the hall, the door slamming behind him, I can't help but feel bad. I shouldn't have said that. I should have kept my mouth shut until he wasn't around. Shaking my head, I try to clear my mind of him. I shouldn't be thinking about him. I don't need him to stand here and smile, as much as my heart and brain call out for him. He hurt me and he doesn't seem to care. I don't need him.

But as I think that, I can't help but listen to the small voice at the back of my mind telling me that I'm lying. I know I'm lying. I can't be strong on my own because the voices in my head are an overpowering tidal wave. But I have to at least pretend. If I can pretend to be okay, maybe I will start to convince everyone around me that I'm okay.

And if I can convince them, maybe I can convince myself that everything is okay. 

Awwww poor Milly.

Poor Ashton :(

This just makes my heart break.

But don't you guys worry, I have big plans.

Just be warned, the next couple of chapters are going to be brutal. It was hard enough writing them, I'm not sure how you're all going to react. You'll probably all hate me... oops

Also, I should probably point out that when this book finishes, there won't be a sequel.

I know, I know. It's really upsetting. It's just that the book will be finishing and there will be nothing else to write about. But don't worry, there will be other books that we can all hang out while reading.

QOTC: If it's 0 degrees today and it will twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Ohhhhhhh...damn this one is difficult.

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo