Direct Message - A.I 5SOS

Chapter Sixty Eight

Chapter Sixty Eight

*Milly's P.O.V*

"You make me sick!"

"Why would we ever want to be friends with a depressed and suicidal freak like you?"

"You literally make me want to go and kill myself."

"I never even cared about you."

"I never even loved you."

I quickly sit up, tears already gathering in my eyes as the words spin around and around in my head, replaying over and over. This is one of the reasons my insomnia never got better. I mean, it didn't get better because it doesn't just get better but this just made it worse. The fact that I can't even go to sleep and escape the voices inside my head made it so much harder to go to sleep.

"Milly?" 

I spin around when I feel Ashton put his hand on my shoulder, quickly shying away from his touch, "Don't."

He looks extremely confused at the single word that escaped my mouth, "What's wrong baby girl?"

I don't want to do this but I need to do it while the memory is fresh in my mind.

I shake my head and let my weak voice choke out the words I don't want to say but need to be said, "Please don't come near me."

It takes a second for the words to settle in but when they do, I watch as the light dims from his eyes and his worried demeanor is replaced with that of a broken hearted one and it breaks my heart to see him look like that. But it had to be done. I had to push him away, as much as it hurts me to do so.

Because everyone that gets close to me ends up leaving me, hurting me or both.

"Mil, you don't mean that baby girl." he says weakly.

Taking a deep breath, I try to steady my voice, "Yes I do. Just, please. Don't make this harder then it already is."

I feel my lip begin to tremble so I quickly grab the crutches that are lying on the ground and walk up to the bedroom area in the back of the plane. As I close the door, the tears I've been holding back finally spill over my waterline, streaming heavily down my cheeks. I hear the crutches fall to the floor and it doesn't take long before I collapse on the ground next to them.

But I don't hold back the tears. I let them consume me. I let the sobs wrack through my body as the tears continue to stream down my face. I let the voices in my head continue to yell at me and tell me I'm worthless and useless. I let them bring me down. I let them destroy the little progress that Ashton helped me make in the past two weeks.

"Milly?"

"Go away, please. I can't do this right now," I sob, my voice cracking.

"Milly, why did you say that to Ashton? He's out there sobbing as bad as you are right now," Calum asks as he crouches down next to me.

"Because, it had to be done," I stutter through my tears.

"Come here," he mumbles while sitting on the floor against one of the beds before pulling me gently over towards him and wrapping his arms around my shoulders, "You're okay."

"I'm not," I stutter as tears continue to fall from my eyes, "I'm not okay. I'll never be okay."

"You'll never be okay if you keep up that attitude. Also, you'll never be okay if you keep pushing Ashton away like you just did. Why did you do that Milly?" he says quietly. 

"Because it had to be done. It had to be done before I got hurt even more. It had to be done before he left me."

God I hate saying those words out loud like that. It always makes me feel worse when I say them out loud. I've never said them to someone in person before but every time I would say them out loud to myself in my bedroom, it made it so much worse. 

"What do you mean? Ashton won't hurt you and he definitely won't leave you. I mean, he invited you on tour with us didn't he?" Calum says weakly.

"That's exactly what everyone else did."

"Invited you on tour?" he asks, a confused tone lacing his voice.

"No," I scoff, "Acted nice."

And it's true. At first, they act all nice towards me. They act like they want me in their life, like they want me around, like I mean something to them. And then, all of a sudden, it's like a reality check and they change. They stop replying to messages, they ignore me in real life, they ignore me when I try and talk to them. 

And then I'm left wondering why I wasn't good enough for them. I'm left wondering what I did to make them hate me so much. I'm left wondering what caused them to act this way towards me. I'm left wondering why I'm that useless friend that no one wants around. 

"And you're scared that Ashton is going to do the same thing as everyone else?" he asks quietly.

"Yes. No. I mean, I don't know."

"Why don't you know? You must be afraid of that if you just told him to stay away from you because if you weren't afraid of that and you didn't believe that he would be like everyone else, you wouldn't have pushed him away."

Screw Calum and his damn logic. 

He's right though. If I wasn't scared about him doing what everyone else does and hurting me, I wouldn't have pushed him away. I wouldn't have said those words that broke his heart and broke mine. I wouldn't have been the cause of his pain and his tears.

"I guess I'm just scared that he'll hurt me more," I sigh.

"Hurt you more than what?"

"Hurt me more than every other person who's screwed me over."

"And why would he hurt you more?"

"I'm scared that if I get too close to him, he'll be like everyone else and end up getting sick of me and leaving me and it'll hurt me ten thousand times more because Ashton means everything to me," I sob, the tears starting up again.

"Because you love him."

"Yes," I mumble, "Because I love him."

Guys you are all soooooo lucky. I should have been studying for my two tests tomorrow and getting some sleep but instead I updated this so y'all better share the love this time.

God I'm so tired so I'm going to keep this quick.

The other day I published a new book called 

BATTLE OF THE BANDS

You can check that out on my page if you want, share the love for that too. You'll love it, I promise. It's got 5 Seconds of Summer, One Direction and Little Mix so all you'll ever need.

QOTC: Why do they call them apartments if they're built together?

HITS BLUNT!

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo